AIBU to challenge a school mum for involving the children?

[TumbleLeaf10]

I will preface by saying I’m the most un-confrontational person.

Having breakfast yesterday DD5 says to me:
”Daisy” told me at school on Friday that “Daisy’s” mummy doesn’t like you.

This girls mum is stony faced, never says good morning and ignores me on the playground. I tried to make friends a couple of months ago as she got very close with another mum friend of mine, the three of us have hung out a few times- I thought we were at least friendly with each other. I’ve never done anything to upset her.

Honestly I’d like to confront her about it- I’m not at all bothered she doesn’t like me. But the fact bringing the kids into it doesn’t sit right with me. By all means don’t like me but don’t bitch about me to/in ear shot of your daughter. Also it’s not exactly how I envisioned having the hard conversation with a 5 year old that not everyone you will meet in life will be your friend or kind about you.

I’d just say something like:
DD5 had told me that you’ve said to Daisy that you don’t like me. This is fine, I have no problems and I’m sorry if I’ve ever done anything to upset you. But what I don’t appreciate is getting the children involved as it’s not fair on them.

I will well and truly have to put my big girl pants on to do this as I don’t like confrontation, especially with people I don’t really know. But I feel I have to stand up for what is right.

What doesn’t really help is that the girls are in Year one at the moment, there is only 4 girls in the class of 9 and we live in a small village so don’t want there to be any bad blood.

Thoughts please?! 🙏

Leave it. If DD says anything like that again I'd brush it off with a swift, 'Oh does she - oh well!'

Just give her some big smiles in the playground and be the bigger and better person. You'll achieve nothing by confronting her. Apart from more aggravation probably!

Don’t do it! Literally just forget it was ever said. They’re five. I would probably continue to smile or just say hi when passing as well to prove I’m oblivious to any gossip. You have many years of seeing this person in passing to go!

Id leave it go. It just ain't worth it.

I certainly wouldn't put anything in writing to her. You will come across as the unhinged one and she will have evidence of it, framing it as being accused of something you made up and will gaslight you

What are you hoping to get out of confronting her? Her to behave better, i.e. not involved the children in future? If she doesn't like you I hardly think she's likely to take parenting advice from you; and if her DD has got it wrong and her mum doesn't have an issue with you...the mum is likely to have an issue with you after you confront her. Leave it and move on.

This is something one 5yo said to another 5yo. It might have been misunderstood. It might have been completely made up by the other kid to get a rise out of your daughter.

If you raise it with the other mum you will look completely mad.

My DD came up with Ava telling her that her Mummy said that you are just jealous. Of what I have no idea . Never said anything but also never forgot it . Very selective about time spent around these two .

By all means don’t like me but don’t bitch about me to/in ear shot of your daughter.

You can't control that though, I'd even have doubts if that is exactly what was said, you have no way of knowing if what daisy said is true or if it has been misinterpreted some how, or even said as a jab because your daughter did something to annoy daisy. Even if it was true, do you think daisy's mum will admit to it if you confront her? it's doubtful and you'll be worse off than when you started as you will be basically calling her daughter a liar.

No good will come of confronting her.

DD5 had told me that you’ve said to Daisy that you don’t like me. This is fine, I have no problems and I’m sorry if I’ve ever done anything to upset you. But what I don’t appreciate is getting the children involved as it’s not fair on them

Be very careful because Daisy may have said nothing of the kind. Even if she did, her mother may have said nothing of the kind. Children can very easily misunderstand things. Even older children get hold of the wrong end of the stick sometimes. I know this to my cost.

Bloody hell ...NO.

You're an adult.
You have absolutely no business getting offended by what comes out of five year olds' mouths.
Grow up and forget about it.

You have to think this through to its conclusion.

If you confront the mum now it will inflame things. What relationship you do have with her will break down. It will make things awkward when you see her at school and exponentially harder for the children to socialise as you will have moved from unspoken "don't much like her but I'll tolerate her" into formal "enemy" territory.

You have no way of accurately knowing what happened.

The child may have got the wrong end of the stick. The mum may have made a face when your name came up actually in reference to something else. The mum may be suffering from a period of poor mental health. The child may have just invented it for fun.

Or she may genuinely have a problem with you (which is unfair but that's her prerogative and you won't change it by sending her an inflammatory message).

In none of these scenarios will confronting her work in your favour.

Just let it go, rise above it. She will either realise she's been a bit of a dick and just keep her own counsel or she will continue to be embittered and childish and other people will suss this out. Keep the peace for the sake of the kids and stay out of her way.

What was it like when the three of you met up? Do you have a group chat? I'd maybe suggest meeting up on that as a group again and see how or if she responds. If she doesn't respond or ia rude you can maybe ask your mutual friend if she knows if the mum is upset with you for something.

I agree with PP you can't go to her on what you have so far. You don't know that she had involved a child deliberately.

Just tell DD thats ok, not everybody likes each other and leave it at that.

Oh my god, please don’t do this. You cannot take the Chinese whispers of two 5 year olds as gospel. I have absolutely said no to my dc when they asked for a play date with a friend and said something like, I wasn’t happy with them going to that friend’s house or I didn’t think it was a good idea for friend’s mum to supervise them.

My dd has absolutely parroted back at me that she couldn’t go to a friend’s house because I didn’t like her friend’s mum. That is absolutely not the case. It often had to do with concerns about safety: a big reactive dog, a busy road and being looked after by grandparents who didn’t really keep an eye on them, a cokehead dad, a mum who I knew would be 2 glasses of wine in by the time they got back from school, secondhand smoke. Sometimes when they were little, I was simply peopled out and did not want to spend time after school chatting with another mum. I was tired or I had emails to return.

It’s not a situation I’m comfortable with you in isn’t the same as not liking. Nor is I don’t want to hang out with Katie’s mum today.

She might have excellent reasons for being stony faced

Yeah it's my natural look. I sometimes remember to slap a smile on but I just naturally look a bit miserable even when I've had a good day.

Just let it go. Don’t be a drama llama .🦙

Oh God - please don't!! You cannot rely on tiny children's he-said-she-said and you have to be in the same playground as this woman for years. Give her a nice breezy smile and move on.

My sons attended an at-home childminder along with the children of my best friend. There was one mom who was like you described. Very unfriendly, ignored when we said "good morning", etc. My friend and I were baffled as to why and discussed it periodically.

Well, once we apparently discussed it when my oldest was in earshot, which I did not realize. The next day when I picked them up my son said to me "Don't worry mom, I took care of the problem you have with Mrs. Jones." I said "what do you mean you took care of it?" "I told her that my mom and her friend hate you and say you are terribly unfriendly". I almost ran off the road. (I am still currently hanging my head in embarrassment).

Tbh op, even if I'd told my dd you were the witch queen from hell, if you came up to me and said this I'd tell you 5 year olds are unreliable narrators and the little darlings must've gotten themselves muddled. There's no way anyone can prove anything here so you'd just end up looking a bit unhinged!

Do not do anything. 5 years old make things up, misunderstand things that they overheard, recount things totally wrong. The poor woman may not have said anything of the sort, Your child and theirs could be in school together for may years, be at the same clubs etc out of school. Do not make an enemy out of someone when you have no idea if it was said or not.

I think you should confront her in front of the other school mums for getting the kids involved. Now you, this mum and the two five year olds are all involved. Tell her she shouldn’t be using her child to create drama - that’s definitely the best way to handle this. Model to your daughter you won’t stand for this behaviour and teach her anyone who doesn’t like her must be confronted and they MUST offer an explanation she finds sufficient!!!

I will preface by saying I’m the most un-confrontational person.

on the basis of this thread, I would dispute that

Yabu

I’m not scared of confrontation but I don’t think this is something that needs dealing with - you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

It was simply mentioned to/in front of her child that she doesn’t like you. Yes that’s bad form but it’s not like she’s trying to turn her child against yours, or instigating a hate campaign against you. Honestly you’re creating drama where there is none if you say something. Just let it go.

The fact you fall hook line and sinker for what your 5 year old has said and leapt on it in fact.

The fact you even think this is appropriate….

… I would hedge a bet you are actually very lairy confrontational in RL

Rise above it OP…….continue to say ‘good morning’ etc and leave it at that…..above all, do NOT apologise, if she’s upset over something you might have done then she should be an adult and speak to you ffs! And don’t bad mouth her to your own child.

It's the non-confrontational people I'd be wary of, they are the ones most likely to bottle up their emotions and then explode at an innocent person.