AIBU to challenge a school mum for involving the children?

[TumbleLeaf10]

I will preface by saying I’m the most un-confrontational person.

Having breakfast yesterday DD5 says to me:
”Daisy” told me at school on Friday that “Daisy’s” mummy doesn’t like you.

This girls mum is stony faced, never says good morning and ignores me on the playground. I tried to make friends a couple of months ago as she got very close with another mum friend of mine, the three of us have hung out a few times- I thought we were at least friendly with each other. I’ve never done anything to upset her.

Honestly I’d like to confront her about it- I’m not at all bothered she doesn’t like me. But the fact bringing the kids into it doesn’t sit right with me. By all means don’t like me but don’t bitch about me to/in ear shot of your daughter. Also it’s not exactly how I envisioned having the hard conversation with a 5 year old that not everyone you will meet in life will be your friend or kind about you.

I’d just say something like:
DD5 had told me that you’ve said to Daisy that you don’t like me. This is fine, I have no problems and I’m sorry if I’ve ever done anything to upset you. But what I don’t appreciate is getting the children involved as it’s not fair on them.

I will well and truly have to put my big girl pants on to do this as I don’t like confrontation, especially with people I don’t really know. But I feel I have to stand up for what is right.

What doesn’t really help is that the girls are in Year one at the moment, there is only 4 girls in the class of 9 and we live in a small village so don’t want there to be any bad blood.

Thoughts please?! 🙏

It is the self-proclaimed “not confrontational” people that I’d be wary of

along with “I just tell it how it is”; “I am too honest” “I am too nice”

Why are you getting worked up over the stories of 5 year olds? My DD has had the same said to her in primary school, I'm pretty sure it was just an attempt from the child to hurt my DD. The mum seemed like a mature and reasonable woman, I had no need to think that she would be telling her young child she didn't like me. If she had, so what? If someone wants to expose their child to that more fool them, it will bite them when their child gets older and has no respect and a mean streak.

In my school gate days I was usually thinking about my workday and worrying about some issue I had to solve.

I was very polite to all the school gate Mums and Dads but, no, I didn’t like them all. Why should I?

I certainly didn’t expect that they’d all like me.

If you do anything based on what 2 5yo reported, you will make sure more than one person doesn't like you and keep a wide berth from you , which means your own child will be punished because no one want to invite the child of that parent.

By all means don’t like me but don’t bitch about me to/in ear shot of your daughter. that's absolutely none of your business what a mum tells her own child! You know nothing of the discussion or what the child overhear, but if a mother tells her kid that they dislike someone, it's absolutely their right.

If she tells YOUR child, then we have a problem, but hers?

Who do you think you are telling other parents how to raise their own kids 😂

I don't think I'd say anything unless it escalates.

Relationships in small rural schools can be difficult and any pushback could result in DD being left out of parties and playdates. The pool is so small you may be forced to grit your teeth through things you wouldn't usually put up with for DD's sake.

If neither you nor DD are upset by it, I'd let it go and just not bother with her going forward.

If you feel you can trust your mutual friend, I'd consider telling her, just so there's some external knowledge of it and to stop her trying to arrange future get togethers involving you both.

It could be something as simple as jealousy that you share a mutual friend she wanted to herself.

Some school Moms are absolutely unhinged, IMO.

Best to not feed the beast unless you have to.

Yes, agreed.

Honestly? Whether or not this woman likes you is of no interest to you.

Someone upthread has said that this woman is probably jealous of you. This is unlikely - mainly because jealousy is actually a rare emotion. If there were a swingometer, going between “utterly adores” and “absolutely detests”, most people would find that they fall around the middle - mild indifference.

Any thread starting with "AIBU to challenge a school mum"
generally deserves a resounding NO 😂

It's the children who go to school, not the parents. Leave the drama to the 5 yo, you are too old for that.

A 5yo girl in my DS class told him that her mummy does not like him (DS)… her mum had never even met my DS.

The same girl also told my DS that his mummy (me) won’t like the drawing that he did!

Some kids are just little menaces and lie… you will just make yourself look completely ridiculous if you mention this to her unfortunately. Even if it’s true you will sound petty. Deep breaths and rise above it.

I sometimes (often) talk about other people in front of the kids, even to them at times!

Edited to add this isn't just straight up bitching but I will be honest about what I think about others and/or their behaviours etc. I don't think it's a bad thing for kids to realise a bit of reality - not everyone gets on or does stuff you agree with.

My DD knows about "at home" conversations and doesn't repeat them but if she did and someone then told me off for her having heard it..... 😂

You don't get to police what other people do with their own kids. If she doesn't like you then that's her opinion and she can tell whoever she wants!

YABU because she may not have meant for her child to overhear.

"Also it’s not exactly how I envisioned having the hard conversation with a 5 year old that not everyone you will meet in life will be your friend or kind about you."

This ^^ should have been a conversation long before your child started school.

Don't say anything. Children misunderstand, exaggerate and some tell bare faced lies! You have absolutely no proof that this child's Mum does dislike you at all. It's all built on hearsay and comes from two 5 year olds!

Let it go.

Possible the children have misheard but even if not I imagine the Mum would just deny it and suggest you are being over the top. I would however treat her with caution in future!

There are four possible futures here. 1) You and the Mum never hit it off and politely ignore each other 2) you get to know each other over time and can spend polite time together 3) you get to know each other over time and become friendly 4) war

If you confront this Mum... For what? Having an opinion? Sharing an opinion? Not checking a door was shut when she shared an opinion?... you are choosing outcome 4.

I have a school mum friend who I never imagined would even acknowledge me when I first met her. She wouldn't even look at me. We still meet up for coffee and our children are 19. She was just socially awkward. The friendly bunch turned out to be quite superficial and happy to be 'nice' but weren't actually all that nice!

Play the long game. Ignore it. Don't change your behaviour. Be friendly but don't invest. Time will tell.

I can't even count the people I know for sure don't like me, never mind the ones I'd suspect... Why care? Do you like yourself? That's all that matters.

In the words of Anna (or Elsa?) LET IT GO.

Honestly ignore it, definitely don't mention it to the mum given there is such a small pool of parents..she might be having a bad day/week whatever, may not have actually said this (kid got the wrong end of the stick or plain lord maybe)

Be polite and crack on with life. Don't create drama unnecessarily

My then-5yo told a teacher than she had a baby brother. Reader, she had nothing of the sort.

Nothing to be gained by bringing it up. Just explain as planned to your daughter (but don't make a big to-do about it), then go on as you normally would. There may be a misunderstanding. Maybe Daisy overheard her mother when she thought Daisy was asleep or out of earshot. Maybe Daisy's mother is a horrible person who gossips and says bad things directly to Daisy. Either way, bringing it up can do no good. If you want to avoid drama, let it go.

Brush it off, give your child an age appropriate answer and move the conversation in a different direction. There are far more important things in life.

This!

Don't be silly. Kids that age say all kinds of nonsense, who knows what the mum actually said? Who knows what Daisy actually said or meant, for that matter. No evidence at all that she 'got the kids involved'.

(FWIW, I am going to absolutely rue the day my kid starts gossiping and inadvertently throwing me under the bus. Just a matter of time, quite frankly..... 😅)

@TumbleLeaf10 will be so confrontational in real life I suspect. Terrifyingly so! This school is going to see some awful behaviour from this one over the next 6 years I imagine.

Oh my goodness OP this is your chance to have a HUGE amount of fun with this. I realise I am the pettiest of the petty, but knowing that this woman disliked me so much with so little apparent reason would inspire me to be out there visibly smiling, laughing, glowing and living my best life. Let her seethe and marinate in her own poison. Just be your own fabulous self, but magnified by a hundred and get under her skin even more! Im sure you are pretty wonderful and thats what gets up her nose LOL