AIBU to challenge a school mum for involving the children?

[TumbleLeaf10]

I will preface by saying I’m the most un-confrontational person.

Having breakfast yesterday DD5 says to me:
”Daisy” told me at school on Friday that “Daisy’s” mummy doesn’t like you.

This girls mum is stony faced, never says good morning and ignores me on the playground. I tried to make friends a couple of months ago as she got very close with another mum friend of mine, the three of us have hung out a few times- I thought we were at least friendly with each other. I’ve never done anything to upset her.

Honestly I’d like to confront her about it- I’m not at all bothered she doesn’t like me. But the fact bringing the kids into it doesn’t sit right with me. By all means don’t like me but don’t bitch about me to/in ear shot of your daughter. Also it’s not exactly how I envisioned having the hard conversation with a 5 year old that not everyone you will meet in life will be your friend or kind about you.

I’d just say something like:
DD5 had told me that you’ve said to Daisy that you don’t like me. This is fine, I have no problems and I’m sorry if I’ve ever done anything to upset you. But what I don’t appreciate is getting the children involved as it’s not fair on them.

I will well and truly have to put my big girl pants on to do this as I don’t like confrontation, especially with people I don’t really know. But I feel I have to stand up for what is right.

What doesn’t really help is that the girls are in Year one at the moment, there is only 4 girls in the class of 9 and we live in a small village so don’t want there to be any bad blood.

Thoughts please?! 🙏

Just in case there aren’t enough people telling you not to do this OP… Do not do this OP!!! No no no. Step away. Do not respond. Do not get sucked in.

You have no idea what the Mum said to Daisy.

Perhaps Daisy misinterpreted.
Perhaps Daisy was evesdropping on an adult conversation.
Perhaps Daisy’s Mum was talking about an entirely different “Tumble” and didn’t mean you at all.
Perhaps Daisy was lying.

If she actually said it (and you have no idea) I guarantee she didn’t intend her little Angel to repeat it to your DD.

If you confront her about it you will just end up embarrassed. And none of your mutual friends will think you were in the right for confronting her.

Also I’ll bet the reason she is cold towards you is that she’s jealous/threatened of the friendship you have with her friend

primary can be a minefield for this kind of thing. It used to amaze me how much bitching and unpleasantness there was. Just stay neutral, be polite to everyone, but be wary of who you trust and get close to

MN does like to brand people as jealous.

She might have excellent reasons for being stony faced.

She might have excellent reasons for not liking the OP

She might in fact like the OP perfectly well and is in blissful ignorance of all this overthinking

I wouldn't trust Daisy at all. They say all kind of crap being so young.

Just adding to the chorus of let it go. No good can come of confronting her.

Absolutely not, do not create a drama out of nothing?

Wouldn't you be so embarassed to actually say to another adult 'Molly says Daisy told her you don't like me'??? Gossip from 5 year olds!
I'd be mortified 😂

I saw a thing today that states that confrontation and resolution is only for if you want to have a relationship with someone as its designed to bring you closer.

So decide if you really want that.

If it was me....I would speak to your mutual first. I'd imagine she might know what is going on?

Some parents really do need to watch their mouths in front of their kids.

You can't control what she says around her own kid and you don't know whether the kid overheard or what was going on.

Just back off.

Mothers of children in primary school aren’t more likely than the rest of the population to be bitchy. And it is perfectly possible to dislike someone without being jealous!

I’d like to know what on earth you think you’d gain by doing this, other than looking absolutely unhinged. “My daughter says your daughter said you don’t like me” - really?? You will gain absolutely nothing from confronting her (other than a reputation for being, putting it politely, a bit odd). Don’t go there, OP.

My DS said exactly the same thing to me when he was 6 and in yr 1: "X says her mum doesn't like you." I figured there were two possibilities here. First and most likely, something got lost in six year old translation: maybe she just didn't list me when asked who her friends were or whatever. If so, not a problem. Second, she did tell her 6yo she didn't like me, and if so, that's not the behaviour of someone whose opinion I value, and so it's not worth my time to address it.

In either case, the best course of action was to do nothing. And the same goes for you.

Scenario 1. Daisy's mum has said this to her daughter who's then carried it into school, in which case Daisy's mum is a bit of an arsehole and you're losing nothing by not being friends with her. Confronting her is likely to lead to Daisy being told not to speak to your DD and cause issues for the children. I wouldn't.

Scenario 2. Daisy is havering (talking rubbish for the non Scots among us), as 5 year olds can tend to do. Confronting Daisy's mum leads to WTF are you on about and you look a fool.

Scenario 3 (IMO most likely). Daisy's mum is indeed not that keen on you, we can't be everyone's cup of tea. Daisy has overheard a conversation between Mum and Dad or mum and an adult friend and taken it upon herself to repeat it to your DD. Confronting Daisy's mum likely to lead to mutual embarrassment and awkwardness.

I'd let it go, I can't see any way that bringing it up to Daisy's mum improves relationships, just be polite when you see her and continue to facilitate DD and Daisy being friends if that's what DD wants but not pursue any closeness with the mum.

DD5 had told me that you’ve said to Daisy that you don’t like me

She didn't say that though, did she? You don't know that the mother said it to daisy, or daisy overheard it, or daisy just decided for herself.

And that's only one reason why not to bring it up

I wouldn’t say anything. 5 year olds are not reliable sources.

I literally witnessed my niece telling my DD “my mummy doesn’t like your mummy’s shoes” when what had happened is her Mummy was looking to borrow shoes to wear to a specific event with a colour theme (so she didn’t want to buy for a one off) and I offered a pair and my SIL offered a pair and she borrowed SIL’s. The interpretation of the 5yo was totally incorrect.

"challenge her for involving the children"

Don't be ridiculous. You have no proof that she has done anything of the sort. Third hand from two five year olds! You'd be mental to go confronting someone based on that evidence!

Children get things wrong all the time, it may not have happened or it might have been out of context or she’s only heard half a conversation ‘I really don’t like tumbleleaf10s sweatshirt’ but her DD may have only heard ‘I don’t like tumbleleaf10’ I really just would leave it be.

I would leave her to it as she's making a bellend of herself perfectly well without your input.

You can't stop unkind people by confronting them, and you can't control how other people talk to their kids, even if it is obviously wrong.

Don’t say anything. You’ll only embarrass yourself.

And this is why I really do not miss the primary school years!

Honestly OP - just ignore it.

I had a mum come up to me one morning. She indignantly told me that my DS had told their child that his big sister didn't like them. I just laughed and said "he says that to everyone"

The mum was one of those who went in all guns blazing if anyone so much as looked at their child. As a consequence, their child was an absolute little s**t who, in their parent's eyes, could do no wrong.

Just ignore and carry on with your day.

Something may be lost in translation children can easily misunderstand what they overhear. I wouldn't say anything it could be very awkward particularly if it isn't what she said. Can you arrange another get together and try to judge what is going on? As you say if she actually doesn't like you it is of no consequence you just keep her at a distance.

If you read some of the teacher pupil threads there are some real howlers of children misunderstanding and saying all sorts of outlandish things.

Don’t get involved in thus kind of drama. Smile and wave & just act the same as normal. If she doesn’t like you then there’s nothing to gain from confronting her. If it’s a misunderstanding then you’ll look like a loon trying to talk about it.

I'd turn it in to a game and try and raise a smile every time i saw her

Also, something (that might have or might not have been) said in the privacy of her own home!

@chirrupybird ohhh yes. When DS was in nursery they did a session on emotions. The children were asked 'what sort of things would make you sad', my darling piped up 'Daddy locking me in the cupboard!'.
Now DH has never locked him in a cupboard or anything remotely similar, so when asked why he said that DS looked at us like we were daft and said 'I KNOW Daddy hasn't done that, but she asked what WOULD make me sad, and IF he did lock me in a cupboard I WOULD be sad'.