I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

[SecretsAndLies77]

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

You are being a big simplistic here.

The OP and the daughter clearly can't stand each other, but the daughter might have some reasons why she has issues with the last girlfriend. The OP wont' tell us, or has been careful not to quote the "rude and disrespectful message" and is going on and on about her dignity, so it would genuinely be very interesting to read the daughter version of events. We won't sadly.

he did say she'd probably walk out. sounds sensible with someone you can't stand and you dont' want to make a scene.

Bottom line, a man, or a parent in general, who tries to compromise to keep their child in their life sounds reasonable.

On a public forum you don't get to specify who can reply...

When you visited your parents, did you forbid others from entering their home?
OP hasn't said the daughter demanded it. It might be OPs boyfriend who decided that it was for the best. OP acknowledged that she wouldn't go.

The outcome is the same but OP wants the satisfaction of her boyfriend telling his daughter that OP can walk in at anytime and make herself at home when she's there whether she likes it or not. It would make her feel great that she couldn't indirectly say to the daughter 'see your dad think I'm more important than you, it hurts doesn't it'.

Honestly, how immature!

Yes Op .
Makes perfect sense , he is torn .

I’ve already said to the OP that I wouldn’t be losing sleep over this, and would happily stay away during her visits, as long the OP’s partner didn’t take it upon himself to invite his daughter to her home again.

But what happens if the OP and her partner decided to get married and move in together? It’s not the current situation that is the issue, it’s what happens in the future. Should the OP’s partner have to “compromise” and live on his own for the rest of his life, in order to keep his DD in his life?

That isn’t reasonable in the slightest.

It’s not about who is more important, and the OP isn’t the one being immature.

She is very likely thinking about her future with her partner, and what that is going to look like.

I think YABU but I also think you should leave him because I couldn’t live like this.

His DD is obviously being unreasonable but there’s nothing you can do to change that.

Also, we don't know how long the daughter was free to come back home however she wanted and encouraged to do so before OP came into the picture.

I'm in my 50s and go and visit my mum in her home. She loves it that I stay in her second bedroom. We have great times together twice a year as she lives far away. If she ever gets a boyfriend who has his own place who she sees regularly and my mum insisted I had to stay in a hotel when I visit her, I'd be shocked. Who knows, I might not like his presence. I might find him arrogant, that he uses my mum, self-centered, that he smells, who knows, I'd be entitled to not like him or spend time with him, but if he blackmailed my mum to tell me that he was free to enter my mum's property as his home when I was there, I'd certainly be concerned for my mum and how he was trying to control her and her home.

She is very likely thinking about her future with her partner, and what that is going to look like
Well ages falling out of love with him because she's not getting her way, so the future is not looking too good for them and he is right to prioritise his daughter.

What makes access so urgent at such times?

Blimey. Tough crowd.

Of course if that’s what the OP is hoping for this is an issue, but perhaps her DP doesn’t see that in the future. If she’s said how old she is I’ve missed it. If he has grown up kids I assume she’s a similar age and not looking to have more together. So why get married? In fact why even live together?

A life where both partners keep their home an independence (though OP isn’t entirely independent) and enjoy spending time together sounds like a great set up with few downsides. Unlike getting married into a blended family set up that is unlikely to bring additional happiness to anyone.

If she lives away but comes to stay with her dad regularly why would he not keep a room? No one else has moved into it so what’s wrong with having a room for her to stay in when she visits?

I'm a 2nd wife and have had a similar dynamic, but in our case my dp daughter did something pretty awful that i cannot forgive - not to me - but that affected the whole family, for many years. I dont want to go into the sordid details on here.

I put a boundary in place that means I tolerate her, but I don't want a relationship with her, but my dp can do whatever he chooses.

Once you put in your own boundary it's a lot easier. Accept you won't have a relationship with her because you don't want a relationship with someone who does not know how to behave. Withdraw any invitation as a consequence of the rude message, and allow your dp to get on with his relationship with his daughter.

To put it this way - she has nothing you want - just put in your own boundary.

Exactly, it'spointless! I can see this story being massively expanded to deflect anyone that dares to disagree 🍿🍿🍿

The only thing I can think is perhaps he wasn't a great father to her when she was growing up and she resents him having a positive relationship with your kids and is taking it out on you? Other than that, her attitude and behaviour is absolutely ridiculous and childish. Perhaps best to go separate ways as he clearly doesn't want to tackle this disrespect of you as his life partner.

It does sound a bit messed up for sure and the older Dd sounds exhausting. However, he obviously doesn't feel like doing anything about it, maybe in fear of losing the relationship with her all together? I think you have to decide whether it's a deal breaker for you and stop trying to control any more than that.

I'm not a first or second wife but do have lots of divorces in the family and all adult children have all juat accepted new partners no issue. I wonder if she had a bad experience with one or other parent picking a new partner over her when she was young (not that that excuses rudeness).

Why do you want to be there when she is, if she's so horrible?

My sibling is extremely nasty to both my step-dad and Mum a lot of the time. It's different because they are married so of course he's at home when sibling visits... But he often makes excuses to be out!

Mum will never give up on sibling regardless.

fair point

If someone is so open to discussion in a forum, imagine in real life.

YABU. What can he do? It’s not his job to discipline a 30 year old ‘child’ to accept you, she’s an adult who wants nothing to do with you, and as she’s his daughter he understandably wants to maintain his relationship with her. It doesn’t sound like he’s doing anything wrong except keeping the two of you separate, which is understandable. As a PP said he’s spending Christmas with you and is with you at other times, so it’s not like he’s fully dancing to her tune (or that she’s demanded he ends it with you - if she has, then he hasn’t done so!)

If the situation doesn’t work for you, then you can end it, but I don’t think it’s reasonable to demand that he forces his DD to be there with you (or in practice doesn’t see her). You live apart so surely there shouldn’t be an expectation to be there all the time anyway.

Seconded; must make for many a fraught moment.

I am the partner with the child the adult-child who dislikes my having a SO. I am accepting of my DC's wish not to have any relationship with my partner. This has resulted in the end of several relationships. I am accepting of it. I don't think there is anything you can do. Your partner's child is not obliged to like you or want to spend time with you. I think it is reasonable for your partner to not want to include you (i.e. you are unwelcome) in visits with his adult child. If this is not acceptable to you, it is probably the end of the relationship, yes. Blended families are often very difficult.

Kids should come first. Even if they're adults.

He's right to consider his daughter's feelings. There's no need for you to be at his house all the time.

I think there is quite a big difference between saying to a parent (or sibling, or any other family member actually) with whom you’re staying ‘I’d rather not see that person I don’t like’, and saying to a partner ‘I don’t want your family member staying with you unless I can come over while they’re there’ .

One is certainly demanding, though I think families are entitled to be a bit demanding with each other. One is just a bit weird, imo. A family member who made demands on me might be annoying, but a partner who did so would become instantly unattractive tbh. She has her own home, which he financially contributes to, and now she wants to create a competition between herself and his (presumably a couple of decades younger) daughter? It’s just a bit…undignified.

She knows the kid doesn’t like her, in her shoes I’d say ‘your kids are visiting that week so I’ve made plans to do X, and i’ll
see you when they leave. Have a great time!’

ETA: A man who prioritises his children - and daughters at that! - is refreshing and attractive.