I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

[SecretsAndLies77]

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

By the way OP, what was the message that was so rude? Who was it send to? A WhatsApp group? You directly? Him but you read his messages?

Also, let's not forget that when the eldest girl visit, she is visiting her dad but also her sister. Maybe she also wants time with her without OP being part of the dynamics knowing that it's conflictual.

I see my parents as regularly as anyone else, text them and speak on the phone all the time 😂

I also host them at Christmas every single year, as long as they still want to come.

I don’t go and sleep in my childhood bedroom for days at a time, though, or tell them who is and isn’t allowed in their home when I am there.

Is that weird?

. An honest question: would you have had the expectation that I have (I've not said this out loud, but deep down this is what I'm feeling), which is that if she doesn't want to "allow me" in his house - which isn't hers to allow or not allow anything - then they should be meeting in a restaurant for lunch? It's not necessarily that I want to be at the house when she's there (in fact I don't - I've no desire to see her) but I struggle very much with this idea that, on the whim of someone who doesn't even live there, my kids and I aren't welcome while she's there (but the next day we're back there for dinner?!) It's a question of principle. My partner is never 'not allowed' at my house. There are times he's not there, but that's because there's stuff going on, not because someone has tried to veto his presence. The asymmetry really hurts me.

If he started telling you who you could have in your house - when your kids could access it - you'd be okay with that?

It's his house - it's up to him who he allows in it and when and even if he's listening to his eldest it's still him doing it in the end.

If you lived in the house togther then expecting him to meet his daughter some where else like a restaurant for lunch would be fine - as you do not it's batshit demand.

As pp have said, this sounds like a partner problem. He's made his choice, and there's really nothing you can do except accept the situation, or split up. It doesn't matter if you're being unreasonable or not.

I feel similarly.

My DP of 16 years sees his SD away from our home & my & our children. My children have met her once 15 years ago at a fireworks event. I don't care for her or her life-style choices. However, when we didn't live together he would have her at his flat & of course I wouldn't go then. It was & is his decision when to see her.

Think about it, you've been in his life 4 years - a significant time, but not 30 years- and he will always want a relationship with his daughter & will take priority at times. You need to find a way to cope & avoiding the house when she has planned visits seems very reasonable. Don't make this a hill to die on.

Indeed, what if he doesn't like your mum or sister and they don't like him. Would you really be okay to tell your mum or sister that they are not allowed in your house and you'll only see them in a restaurant?

OP has still not addressed here about her DP's 'financial contributions' to her household. This evasiveness and putting the focus on DD's 'personality faults' as the cause of her dislike of OP would be a big red flag to me if I was the DD.

@SecretsAndLies77
I can't believe posters making excuses for a 30 year old woman acting like a brat! She wants her father to herself- if she would have been a child one could have some compassion for that. But at 30! That's just weird and kind of creepy.
I was 11 when my mum met a new man and I was awful to him (defending my father sort of). He was exceptionally kind and understanding and my mum did understand WHY I was vile but she didn't accept it. I got a firm talking to; I didn't have to like or love him but every person coming into our home should be treated politely and with respect. I can't believe your dh tolerates that nonsense from an adult child. He clearly missed out on teaching her how to behave correctly so he needs to do that now. And put out some healthy boundaries because she needs it. At 30 she sounds very immature, needy and unhinged.

None of his 30 year old daughter's business what he contributes or not as long as he's of sound mind.

I hear you. I have been in this situation and in the end I had no choice but to leave him.

I went through this . Got on really well with hubbys youngest but the eldest didn't like me at all. Hubby and ex had divorced..nothing to do with me but I felt like she always wanted him back and was jealous.
In the end eldest and I had a big fall out after he accused me of influencing his dad against his mother. I did no such thing. Avoided her as much as possible and said nothing to husband as it was their relationship.
Husband didn't defend me at first but then eldest said he wanted nothing to do with me and gave me a few choice names
We have seen eachother once in all that time at a family function. We were civil but there was no further contact.
Its up to you what you do but I wouldn't be playing second fiddle to his daughter. So maybe either he sorts this out or you vote with your feet.

None of his 30 year old daughter's business what he contributes or not as long as he's of sound mind
Not for her to comment but it's her right to not like OP if she thinks she is using her dad financially.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to feel how you do. It sounds like your partner is doing the best he can, given the circumstances. He can’t really win no matter what he does and he can’t exactly pick a side.

It all boils down to how you feel and what you’re willing to tolerate to continue with this relationship. It’s easy for us to say what we would/wouldn’t do in the situation but family rifts and dysfunction can be utterly unbearable to live inside. A lot of resentment comes from always being the person to grin and bear it.

what is weird is that you "cringe" at the idea of people who do.

I don’t go and sleep in my childhood bedroom for days at a time,
again fair enough, but what is weird is that you find shocking others do.

I'd rather stay at my parents than going in a hotel, I am not sure why you find that so cringey. But then again, on MN most posters faint at the idea of hosting or being invited by friends, while in real life it's just normal. I genuinely don't know anyone who book a hotel when visiting friends, let alone their own family.

My late husband had two adult children when we married.

His daughter had a partner who was a bit of an arsehole. DH was not one for tolerating my being disrespected, but there were a couple of times when the partner made a dig at me and both DH and I just ignored it for the sake of DH's daughter. (They were together longterm and eventually had a child together.)

There was one time that the partner was rather drunk and behaved very badly towards DH and DH was the one who smoothed things over for his daughter's sake - there's no doubt in my mind that the daughter would (no matter how upset) have backed her partner and broken off with her father otherwise. There's also the fact that the young granddaughter was there at the time and I shudder to think how seeing her father's drunken rage had affected her.

With hindsight, I now realise that the daughter was a victim of coercive control.

In your case, @OP, I suspect that your partner is terrified of losing his daughter. I don't think you're unreasonable at all, but you're not going to win.

I look back now and I recall DH's daughter making a comment to me about her father only wanting me. I should have said more at the time, but was constantly worried about putting my foot in it.

Your message is basically saying you expect your Partner to put you above his kids. His daughter doesn’t like you (why is he contributing to your household?) there’s clearly a reason. He is trying to keep the peace by keeping you separate. Respect that. He knew that she wouldn’t come to Christmas at yours.

It sounds like you would all be better apart.

I don’t judge others for not being like me, but I do judge people who try to exert control over other people’s lives.

When you visited your parents, did you forbid others from entering their home?

It's a tricky situation. My DP has a key and free access to my home but doesn't live with me as he has his own home with kids. If one of my DC was uncomfortable with him being here, I'd probably tell him not to come over when my DC was there. If I am brutally honest I'd always choose my DC over my DP. But I suppose I can't also imagine my DC being as unreasonable as his daughter !
I agree that it's not fair to expect you to invite her for Xmas though. If she doesn't like you, so be it, but then she doesn't get to come to your house either.

Well, given you are also trying to control who comments, and what they comment on this MN thread .....i'm thinking that you may well be the the problem.

And before you disregard my opinion, I can confirm that I do meet your criteria; Divorced, have adult children and am seeing someone with adult children.

She doesn't know you, you could be any woman, she just doesn't want anyone to replace her DM, to live in the family home or take her place. Understandable but rather selfish. If you never want to live with him full time then it doesn't matter Op. I would however tell your DP that he's not entitled to invite her to your home even if he thinks she won't come, he's trying to pretend there's not a problem when she's rude to you and that's not on

Your response is fair, if OP is being 100% honest. But how in 4 years could her DP not have got any reasoning for this behaviour? And the younger sister has no idea why either? It would make sense if OP said "she says xyz happened but that's not reality". I know it seems like a lot to ask OP but when she wants very specific responses from a very specific pool of individuals, context is everything.

Why post in AIBU when you have already decided YANBU then dismiss any contrary opinion as 'trolling'?

I do find it cringey that a grown ass adult, with their own life, would stay over in their childhood bedroom at their parent’s house for days at a time, and dictate who could and could not enter the home during that time, yes.

They absolutely should get a life.

There are a lot of holes in the OP's story - what the daughter said in the very rude message, and why. I think it would be very interesting to hear the daughter's version of this story.

I'm glad he's a good man and putting his daughter first.