I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

[SecretsAndLies77]

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

How was the 30 yrold DD rude and disrespectful to you and your family members specifically?
Why doesn't she like you?
Have you discussed how you feel with your DP and id so, what was his response?
Why is it quietly understood you are not allowed to visit his home when his DD is there?

You’d be throwing them out? When it’s not your house? I don’t think the OP is the drama queen.

Being an adult means behaving like one. Unless there’s a back story the OP is not challenging the DD’s relationship with her dad by merely existing. Of course the OP should give them space to spend time just together but I don’t think that means she shouldn’t drop by at some point without being harangued or the daughter blackmailing her father. That’s not being an adult that’s being a sulky toddler.

“Can’t you see that?”
Um, yes? But isn’t that the problem? We are not talking about a 5 year old girl here, we are talking about a grown adult.
OP you said in an earlier post “Personally, I kind of blame him”. Yes. It is entirely his doing, and it is entirely his situation to navigate out of. Parenting doesn’t stop when kids grow up and he’s not parenting her here, he’s running around after her every wish.
It’s 100% up to him to have a mature conversation with his own daughter. Tell her he loves her and that will never change. And - he has a full and happy life to live, and that includes you.
i do think it’s too late though. It doesn’t sound like he’s capable of that type of maturity himself which is a major, major ick. I can’t imagine being with someone so spineless and unable to parent effectively.
Yes there are emotions here, but we all have to manage our own and if that’s not possible - to therapy with you!
Exhausting. I don’t know how you can be bothered with it. And - I judge all of you who think the daughter’s behaviour (at 30 years old 😂) is acceptable. Understandable? Yes - she’s been raised by a spineless yes-parent. Acceptable? No. Get a collective grip.

I am divorced with adult kids but not in your situation. I do have a friend who is sort of in your partner's shoes though.

She has lived with her partner for 11 years, they both had kids when they met and they are all adults now. My friends DD was fine with the partner to start with but once she was mid-teens she couldn't stand him and it has stuck. She is now 24 and she avoids her mother's home as much as she can. She can't quite articulate why she hates the partner so much other than that she thinks he was too strict, that she didn't like having him around all the time, that her mother stopped spending as much time with her etc.

My friend has decided to stay with her partner and quite honestly, I can't quite see why. She hasn't spent Christmas with her DD for the last 9 or so years, she only sees her outside of the home or if her partner is away and her DD (who also lost her dad as a child) sees her paternal grandparents as her main parental figures. It has had a detrimental effect on their mother-child relationship and I worry about what will happen if my friend one day becomes a grandmother and what kind of a relationship they will have then.

I get that your DPs child is an adult and quite possibly completely unreasonable. There isn't much he can do about what another adult thinks about you. You can't discipline a 30 year old, but at the same she is still his child and nobody would willingly lose their relationship with their child.

Regardless it's bound to be very painful for your DP to have to make this choice. His relationship with his child gets further damaged if he stays with you. His relationship with you gets further damaged if he tries to have a close relationship with his child. There is just no way you can move forward together the way things are.

This was my take on it too. The MN position on things like this seems to be that children - even grown adult children - always come first, no matter how badly behaved and no matter what the effect on the relationship.

What OP seems to be saying is that the relationship is actually going nowhere because they can never take it to another level and marry or live together, because that would impact on the relationship with his daughter. I simply don’t understand why a grown adult son or daughter would be allowed to have such an impact on the parents’ life choices. I think he needs to sit down with his DD and explain to her that OP is now his significant other and she needs to accept it and not be so overtly rude, otherwise he’s going to end up a very lonely old man.

I'm one of the dreaded 'first wives' 🙄, but don't have a knee-jerk 'kids always come first' reaction—particularly because (basing this purely on what you've told us) this isn't about kids needing to come first, but adult kids wanting their own way, regardless of anything else.

I have some sympathy for your partner's daughter unhappiness that her dad's in a relationship with someone she doesn't like (for whatever reason), but that often happens when your parents are no longer together, and as an adult you usually try to get along well enough to share the same space from time to time. It's not unreasonable of you to feel hurt and frustrated by the asymmetry of the relationship and his unwillingness to ask her to be more understanding and respectful of his feelings, if nothing else, whereas he assumes you'll happily accept her in your home (if she ever chooses to come over).

My biggest question would be what happens if/when you ever want to live together. Unless you've both agreed earlier on that you don't want that, it feels like something that could be a big problem. (Maybe you've mentioned this and I missed it...)

Ultimately, if you feel that your love for him is fading because of this situation, does it really matter what anyone else thinks? You're allowed to have your own demands for your relationship.

The relationship is actually pretty established. They spend most of their time together and he contributes financially to her household. Why is living together and marriage seen as the only prize on MN? Look at all the miserable cohabitants and marrieds, who can’t leave because their finances are tied up together. At his and her age, what benefits does shared finances/marriage bring?

Why is it immature ? What OP is essentially saying is that she will never be able to move the relationship forward to marriage or even living together because it will impact on the relationship with his daughter.

You’d be crazy to throw away a good relationship because of this one issue.
Your negative thoughts about the situation and what it means about him are toxic.
Try to get clarity and use your wisdom.
In the great scheme of things it doesn’t really matter. I guess he knows how you feel and to make him choose between you isn’t wise.

A life where both partners keep their home an independence (though OP isn’t entirely independent) and enjoy spending time together sounds like a great set up with few downsides. Unlike getting married into a blended family set up that is unlikely to bring additional happiness to anyone.

That might sound like a great set up to you, but moving in together and get married is a completely normal relationship progression too.

And it sounds as though the OP’s children and her partner’s younger daughter would be completely happy with this set up.

I would die of shame if either of my parent’s had to live on their own for the rest of their lives, despite having a loving and supportive partner, in order to appease me.

Which is all irrelevant if living together or marriage is actually what OP and her partner eventually want. And it’s really not the point is it - the point is that a grown woman is behaving like an entitled brat without the slightest care for the fact that it’s affecting her dad’s relationship with a long term partner.

You can absolutely expect his daughter not to be rude to you, but you can't expect her not to have a private relationship with her father. They are entitled to time alone together. I'm not sure why you would want to encroach on this time? Your DP seems kind, loving, and open with you in all other aspects. It's obviously up to you entirely whether this is a situation you can accept long term.

If you were to live together, I would absent myself if the daughter was coming, or maybe your DP would go to her.

I have a very complicated extended family so lots of experience!

Going to go against the grain and say he needs to manage the situation differently. I have grown up children, or adults as they are otherwise known, and I am entitled to live my life as I want to, as are they. He cannot expect to be able to invite his daughter who will not interact respectfully with you to your house and ban you from his when she happens to be there. I have always taught my DC to treat people with respect and would be pretty disappointed in an adult woman who felt a tantrum was more appropriate. Saying that, I also wouldn’t bother to have the argument with a man that couldn’t figure that out for himself, and the lack of consideration would indeed kill any feelings I had for them.

Although there's more to it than just this, some people don't like others popping by their house unannounced. They like some notice and want to feel they can chill out in the boxer shorts or whatever without you popping in unexpectedly.

Yes she doesn't live there, but it's still her dad's house. She should be able to see him one on one sometimes. She should also accept that he's allowed to have a partner and not be manipulative with the threat of nc.

At his and her age, what benefits does shared finances/marriage bring?

Companionship, for starters.

It would also give them both more disposable income. Why would they run 2 households instead of one?

Not sure what you mean - there's nothing for me to address, and it's certainly not the adult daughter's business what DP does with his money. She's financially independent and our reasons for his contribution are between him and me as a couple.

Yep, pretty much this.

He shouldn’t have to choose between them and OP isn’t the one forcing the choice. Refusing to interact with her dad’s long term partner for no good reason and being overtly rude when they do cross paths is a clear indication that DD thinks she can dictate what her dad does, with the threat of NC if he doesn’t comply. It’s batshit.

I'm reading the responses backwards so I may be missing some messages that put this into context.

I don't necessarily want to live with him. He was initially expecting that my DC and I would move in with him, as there are spare rooms in his house (actually, the eldest daughter would have lost her room that way in any case). But I didn't really want to, the location isn't good for my DC's schools and I enjoy having a bit of time and space for myself. It's good for the soul. My issue isn't with him spending time with her alone nor do I feel I have to be with him every second of every day. It's just this very specific feeling - that's the only way I can explain it, a feeling - that at all other times I'm welcome at his house, but not when she's there. But then the next day I'm meant to just go back to normal life and accept that now I'm welcome there again and let's all eat at his house....I feel like, my feelings / sense of dignity / place in his life shouldn't be on some kind of switch so now it's off, now it's on again.

I have a key to my partner’s house and he mine but neither of us would turn up out of the blue, that’s just being polite.

from OPs post and subsequent comments, have to say I am Team Daughter….

This is exactly how it's been. I've just never heard of or come across such behaviour. No one is forcing her to be friends with me (nor do I want that, after everything) but she is exercising a veto. I've put up with it, but am coming to the point where I wonder why I'm still loving a man who allows someone - anyone - vetoing who he can have in his own home (and then he expects me to just return to normal afterwards).

Took the words right out of my mouth.

That's fair enough, but people are different, and also I'm not necessarily talking about turning up. Although at all other times I could turn up, for example if I was in the neighbourhood for some reason, as my partner has a number of times - pop in for a cup of tea sort of thing. Why don't people do that with partners? I don't understand. It seems very normal and natural. But in any case, I'm not talking about dropping in from the sky.

Thank you. I appreciate the comments.