I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

[SecretsAndLies77]

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

First post nails it. You want your lives to operate differently. Neither of you is wrong but if there isn't a compromise you can both live with then the only other option is to split up.

You and the older daughter sound as bad as each other - both trying to stake a claim on the man in the middle. He already spends the majority of his time with you and contributes to your household (why??), why are you insistent on this issue? He is ‘allowed’ to spend one on one time with his daughter in his own home.

I'm starting to wonder if the cause of the tension between you is how similar you both are. I see I'm not the only one who has picked up on it.

I dont think yabu to feel the way you do and you seem to understand he doesn't want to risk to losing his dd, which is not unreasonable of him. He's in a no win situation where either way someone is unhappy with him or he potentially loses someone.

i suppose whether you continue might depend on where you see it going long term. For now it sounds like she doesn't visit often so it's easy to stay away, not ideal, but I wouldn't let her drive a wedge in your relationship. Long term if you move in together he's going to have to address the situation one way or another.

why is he contributing to your house if you spend time in both? Is this is why she's concerned? If there's genuinely no reason for her to be weary, she's 30 and shouod build a bridge and get over it, parents move on with their lives and she's not a child/teenager or still living at home.

I have adult SC and TBH I wouldn't accept the situation you've described. Children don't have to come first at every point, especially when they are into adulthood. I'd say she's probably insecure and wants to make sure of her position. After 4 years it's not unreasonable to expect your DP to make it clear to his DD that you are non negotiable. From your post it does seem like your relationship wasn't so important to him as it is to you. Speaking personally I have a close relationship with one SC and a very distant one with the other. It's their choosing and I am ok with that.

Why has she still got a room in his house when she is in her 30’s? Bizarre

OP has said it's a large house. I have a dd in her 30s and she hasn't lived here since she was 20. We have 4 bedrooms one of which was and still is hers (when she visits) There was no reason ever to change it. We don't need it for anything. It's more by default than anything else. If we lived in a tiny house it'd probably be taken over by now.

It doesn't seem like a particularly important "principle" to be honest. What would the practical impact be if he gave you the green light to go over when his daughter was there? None, I hope, because you wouldn't want to. Or if you did, you'd put everyone through a hostile atmosphere.

It seems more like your issue is the contempt you feel for your partner. You dislike his conflict-avoidant tendencies, you think his close relationship with his daughters means he was enmeshed with them. Maybe you're right, maybe not, but you basically seem to think he's a wet lettuce. So why are you with him?

The larger issue, I guess, is that you think you can change people. You want to force him to "stand up for you" when that's not his personality. You want him to force his daughter to accept you which is a hiding to nothing. What you see as him avoiding conflict is actually maturity - he recognises that if two people in his life just don't like each other, he can't force either of them to change their minds, so the best course of action is to keep them apart.

"Winning" this point of principle would change nothing about the relationships or people involved. She'll still resent you. He won't want to take sides. You have to either accept that there's this rift which means you and his daughter keep away from each other, or you let the relationship go.

She needs to grow up. If the relationship between her and her father is that fragile that he can’t say you don’t have to like SecretsAndLies77 but at least be respectful. There isn’t a back story, she just doesn’t like OP and is allowed to control her father in her 30’s.

@SecretsAndLies77

Divorced, in relationship post divorce. Kids on both sides. Your age group, I am guessing.

I think you are being really unreasonable and irrational too. The main theme in your post is that you need him to CHOOSE you over is daughter. You seem really needy and insecure. While he seems like a decent man - who is good to you and your kids, including financial contribution to your household, which is so rare. Trust me - so many of my dating divorced friends would love to be in your place....

He doesn't want conflict with daughter? WHY on earth should he want conflict?
You want him to coddle you over her not liking me? How old are you?

Seriously - being this dramatic over one of his daughters not liking you is bonkers. You and him have most of your lives together. She occasionally visits and to avoid conflict you stay out of the way. THIS is the main issue in the relationship? And the reason why you are "falling out of love"????
This is really an OTT reaction. You seemingly want some sort of adoration and complete devotion to you over his daughter. This is teenage level of emotional intelligence.

A grown woman can look at this and realize that, yes, while unpleasant on some occasions - this is not really affecting your relationship with him. But if you really are this far gone - please leave and do not torture him.
There are really not that many decent men out there who want to be in a relationship - throw this one back in, so some wiser woman can find him and not create unnecessary drama.

IMHO

Ive had a number of step parents and parents partners pass through my life. Some partners are just a bad fit with the wider family, some wanted to be new Mum or Dad and others were fine. The best adapted to our family dynamics a bit and were not territorial about the parent in question, the family home or wider family relationships.
I think being a good step parent to adults is very hard and seriously underestimated by many. Just because I was a adult doesn't mean my relationship with my parent needs to change as they brought a new person into our family.

The Love-Of-My-Life had three adult children when we got together - two daughters and a son.
From day one I was treated wonderfully, in fact it was his eldest daughter who encouraged him to ask me out.
I do feel terribly for you, it does sound as though a tipping point has been reached.
Not for me to tell you what to do but may I suggest something?
Give your partner a copy of what you have posted.
Sending you strengh and blessings.
xxx

What exactly do you expect him to do, really.
Because reverse it. The "child" is 30yo, what can he actually do? You are asking him to chose between the 2 of you and that's not really fair.

He can put his foot down with his ridiculous daughter, of course he can, but then she just disappear from his life. Can you blame him for not wanting that?

Would you even trust a parent who can delete their own child from their life so easily? I wouldn't.

He's not hiding you, she's invited to events with you.
No one is trying to ban you from HIS home, where she still has her bedroom (many of us adults do!) , not even her if I read rightly, she would just walk away if you turn up.

You are dismissing the divorce and their lives before you turn up. As a parent, he must have made mistakes along the way (dont' we all) and is trying to make up for them

No wonder she's got no friends, when you think about it.
You are both adults, but look at it, you 2 are just as bad as each other.

He is always going to put his children first and you know it - he would have proposed marriage if he cared about you, you know this thing - if you are mad about anything, like a person, or even a toy - you grab it and don't let it go and if you have a chance to make it LEGALLY MINE you would grab this person and propose marriage. This nonsense you write - he contributes to the household - this is you trying to make the fact that he buys some food and maybe an occasional holiday into something which will read 'contributes to household'. You don't need this shit - he is not a partner. You know the normal definition of partner - all in. A partner is all in. All the profits are shared and all the losses are shared. All of it. What MN describes as 'partner' is really a 'fuck buddy'. A fuck buddy should be delightful, happy, it should bring only lightness and happiness and no hassle, that is why he is a fuck buddy - pure joy. What you describe is not pure joy.

This makes no sense at all. His daughter sometimes wants to come and see her dad? Are you saying that she should stay and pay for a hotel for the privilege because his dad's girlfriend, who has her own place is insisting that that what she should do if the daughter wants to spend the occasional few days with her dad without OP being in the way considering they don't like each other? That's absolutely ridiculous!

This is simply my perspective on the situation - I am married, with 3 children and also run a business. I have no time or desire to go and spend days at a time staying over in my parent’s home. I would actually find it really, really weird if my parents had kept my bedroom intact for me to stay over, at my age. It makes me cringe thinking about it. Especially if my presence in my father’s home, meant he couldn’t just go about his usual life.

No, I am not saying that his daughter should stay in a hotel, but I am saying that she should get a life, and allow her father his own.

OK, you seem to want to control everything.
On one hand, yes, I can see why you want the same courtesy extended that you offer, but this isn't going to happen. It's more her house than yours by the way, it's not your house whatsoever, nothing, nada, it's your boyfriends house.

If you can't go because his daughter is over, that is the issue of his daughter, and no, they shouldn't be forced to meet out the house for lunch! You are coming over as unreasonable and a little petulant, sorry. Rise above it, be the better person. Stop putting yourself in between the father and daughter because it won't work out how you want it to.

Lesson in life, you cannot control people's actions, only how you respond to it.

It doesn't sound as if he is protecting your relationship.

Has the older daughter accepted any of her father's girlfriends, or is this consistent behaviour?

When the daughter visits, she stays in her family home with her dad. OP thinks that should stop and the dad restrict daughter's access to his home and see his daughter in a restaurant. This is because she and the daughter don't get along and she feels because she's in a relationship that she should have 24/7 access to her bf's home and daughter should stay away. OP wants priority over daughter, and that doesn't seem like a reasonable request given it's not her home.

He gives OP money to stay at hers to cover the cost of his staying there. That doesn't give her rights to his home.

@SecretsAndLies77 I think you feel entitled to his home now and you're becoming controlling about his home and where he sees his daughter. You're trying to make him choose you over his daughter using your access to his home as a wedge between them to cause drama. That's manipulative. If it's a choice between drama with gf and daughter, I'd pick daughter and I think he will too if you force the issue.

My kids are always welcome in my home.

So because you wouldn't do something, you judge others for not being like you??

I still went to stay at my parents house - they lived miles away from us kids as we moved away. No way would they or I suggest a hotel! They were happy to have us kids over.
When they moved further away, 5hrs drive, they got the same amount of bedrooms so us kids could come stay for weekends/Xmas whatever.

You are weird.

My siblings and I have a room in my parents house, and most of my friends do 😂

I have no time or desire to go and spend days at a time staying over in my parent’s home. Fair enough, but surely you can realise that many people still see their parents? Even when they are grown up, parents themselves and have their own business?

you NEVER spend Christmas with your parents?
I like mine, I do visit occasionally. 😂

My bedroom is handy when they have my kids around too.

I can't imagine not keeping my kids bedrooms either, why on earth wouldn't I. It's their home, they'll be able to visit whenever. I would quite like for my kids to want to visit me!

No, I am not saying that his daughter should stay in a hotel, but I am saying that she should get a life, and allow her father his own
But she does have a life! Normal adult life does involve going to see your parents and if they have room, stays at their home.

OP is the one who needs to get a life. Her boyfriends gone is NOT her home. She has her own. Having a key gives her no right over his home. If he wants to be a normal father, ie. Spend time with his daughter and have her stay at HIS home, then she needs to act like a grown up and accept it rather than have a tantrum and decides she's falling out of love because he dares to say no to her.

100% clear. TBF when I was reading her post I felt she was actually being a little immature about the situation. However after reading on I realised I am not in a position to comment. As I would never be in uncommitted situation with a person who didn't put their kids first. IF we were married and then a situation like this evolved there would be a difference.

This is why my IL do not have a key to our - they don't respect boundaries.

Thing is while I do think the OP is being odd about key and access - I think she does have reason to feel aggrieved with the eldest daughter who is behaving very badly and with her DP who letting her.

The key and access is where she focused this upset - but it's where she is most unreasonable.

His daughter doesn't like you. She wants to visit her father without you being there. This is perfectly reasonable imho. You don't live in the house. It's not your home. Sounds like it's unlikely to ever be.

Well I think at thirty the daughter needs to get a grip. Are you the cause of the parents breaking up? If not, she's being a dog in the manger with her father's affection and house.