I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

[SecretsAndLies77]

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

Maybe I’m wrong but it certainly seems that way from the complete dismissal of OP’s point of view in favour oof a man who’s too conflict avoidant to stop his daughter from being rude to his partner. Which is what it boils down to
No you're wrong. I just happen to think that looking at options to avoid conflict is the mature approach to a peaceful and respectful life.

OP wants her partner to confront his daughter, tell her how wonderful OP is and reprimand her for daring to not like her. She wants conflict but only if she knows ahead that she'll be the winner. Then when her partner says that's not what he wants, she accuses him of not respecting her dignity and decides he is not worth her love.

This is the ultimate definition of passive aggressive and subtle controlling behaviour.

He’s not spineless, he’s made a choice. OP just doesn’t like it.

despite the fact that not only did OP say quite clearly in her first post that DD messaged her directly
No she didn't! She said she sent a message, not sent ME a message.

As for the he reprimanded her... HEAVILY prompted by me...OMG, talk about controlling behaviour!

Interesting how you are assuming, with no evidence at all, that the daughter would go against her father's wishes.

Hilarious. “With no evidence at all”? Have you not even read a single word in this thread? Or do you think the father has requested his daughter to completely shun OP?

OP said that happened in the beginning and the DP put a stop to it - which is entirely right. She said since then she’s seen the DD 6/7 times, so it’s clearly not a regular occurrence any longer.

Since then she’s also decided she doesn’t want to live with him as she values her peace, is unsure if she loves him the same way, but is pressing ahead with getting POA. This seems very strange to me, and I would be extremely suspicious of a person doing this with my parent, especially one much younger and less well off who was already taking money from them.

I don’t think it’s misunderstanding. It’s a deliberate misrepresentation to suit some personal narrative.

You see, this has got me wondering about how he’s been navigating the relationships with the women in his life. You’ve already mentioned that he depended very heavily on his daughters for emotional support before you came along. Then you came along, so whatever closeness that dependence had fostered between him and his daughter was presumably eroded by this exciting relationship with a new woman. Now you say that he doesn’t want to live alone when the younger daughter leaves home, and I have to wonder if that isn’t because he’s depending on her for some kind of labour that he envisages you replacing. I think a lot of posters are missing the point here. Do you think he may be playing you off each other deliberately? Does it please him to be fought over in this way? It may be helpful to stop seeing this as a you vs her situation, especially when you claim there’s no rational reason for her to dislike you.

Hilarious. “With no evidence at all”? Have you not even read a single word in this thread? Or do you think the father has requested his daughter to completely shun OP?
The only evidence is that the daughter dislike OP. Nothing at all suggest that she wouldn't make health decisions in his best interest.

OP is frustrated that her partner is not wishing to get in conflict with his daughter in the name of her dignity. That in no way implies the daughter would want him to suffer!

Context is in the detail, but OP stayed away from it.

And you have made up detail to support your narrative about the OP, which is why I suspect you are projecting your own issues here.

It’s not about how I’ve written it. It just doesn’t seem appropriate that you would have potential control over making health/ life decisions for someone you’re not sure you even want in your life anymore. I don’t think you should be having doubts whilst in the process of setting this up. It’s a huge demonstration of trust from him and you’re not being honest with him.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to contribute in some way if he’s at yours a significant part of the week. You were a bit vague about ‘financial contributions’ earlier saying it was a private matter and it was unclear what these were for. Buying shopping contributing to bills etc is one thing and totally reasonable but if, for example, his financial contributions was paying for your children’s schooling or whole new wardrobes, that would seem less reasonable. In that case could understand if your daughter felt you were using him and feel wary of you. Even if he was happy to do it.

He can be physically strong and professionally successful while still being vulnerable in a relationship. I think everyone can be to some extent. When you love someone you don’t always see the red flags. That can be true of both romantic and familial relationships.

It makes very little sense to me
to give either you or the elder DD sole POA given the animosity between you. Nothing you’ve said in the thread suggests you’d allow her access either.

The logical thing to do is give it to both DD’s jointly.

I don’t think it’s misunderstanding. It’s a deliberate misrepresentation to suit some personal narrative.
So why are you ignoring OP posting the daughter should stay at her mum rather than her dad? Is this an acceptable demand?

I feel sorry for him to be honest. Don’t set yourself up in competition with his daughter and stay away if she’s visiting. I can understand that he doesn’t want to lose his relationship with her.
She sounds difficult but if you care about him why would you want to put him in a difficult situation just to prove that you come first.

Sorry, yes, l’m aware that she no longer turns up without warning, l should have made that clear. OP has said they are in the process of sorting out POA, but surely that would only be in the event of the relationship continuing, since the only reason for having it was to protect against DD cutting OP out if there was a health event. My own feeling is that it would be better to split POA between DD and OP so they have to work together and neither can cut the other out - l can see how it would be difficult to get DD to agree though. As regards the money DP is paying OP, I had the impression that given the fact that he spends the majority of his time at OP’s home, he’s paying his way.

Sorry, yes, l’m aware that she no longer turns up without warning, l should have made that clear. OP has said they are in the process of sorting out POA, but surely that would only be in the event of the relationship continuing, since the only reason for having it was to protect against DD cutting OP out if there was a health event. My own feeling is that it would be better to split POA between DD and OP so they have to work together and neither can cut the other out - l can see how it would be difficult to get DD to agree though. As regards the money DP is paying OP, I had the impression that given the fact that he spends the majority of his time at OP’s home, he’s paying his way.

I think you need to remove the emotion from this situation.

Your partners daughter has only been in your company a handful of times but is clearly threatened by you. Does she crave her father’s attention, what influence or input has your partners ex-wife had in shaping her view of you or is your partners daughter projecting forward and in the event of you marrying your partner, her father, potentially seeing her inheritance being left to a woman with whom she does not have a familial connection. Obviously her father could make cast iron provision in his will for such circumstances, however it is a legitimate concern.

I would give it one more attempt arrange to have a meeting, lunch or coffee with her and go with a clear agenda of things you want to address. If she remains steadfast in her stance I think you have to give serious consideration as to the longevity of this relationship.

Been in pretty similar situation - we ended up marrying and setting up a new household. I put a lot of time into becoming more friendly with the adult child and it's worked out ok.

I think it sounds like you're pressuring your boyfriend, and you should accept that now and again he needs to spend time in his home with his daughter and without you - and that should be ok. You're not married, you're not co-habiting, and no two situations are never the exact same so the fact he can always be in your home but you can't always be in his is just the way it is.

You said elsewhere that it's his house and not hers - she might see it as family property as she'd inherit it presumably (some people do think along those Iines).

says that he knows she's arrogant and horrible
I really think discussing her personality should be off bounds, and saying he 'knows' implies you've been trying to get him to agree with you about his own child. You may think she's caused this division between you, and he's augmenting it by not being on 'your side' etc but honestly, why is it such a big deal that now and then you don't go to his house?

Do you think that refusing to accept OP in her father’s life is acting in his best interest?

Sounds like OP should just start turning up at her father’s house and see if DD30 does just leave in a huff.

Again, this is what OP wrote I'm not literally saying I expect that, or would ask for that, or that he should necessarily do that. I was - I don't know - venting frustration, expressing a secret fantasy where she doesn't use his house any more and stays with her mother instead, as she's done many times over the last year

That was in response to this question from another poster You want unlimited access to your partner's house, to the point you suggest he should leave his own house to meet his daughter. Would you even go there during those times, while he's out with this daughter?

Once again, you’re making it up - OP isn’t demanding and hasn’t demanded anything of the sort. She might secretly wish that was the case but she hasn’t voiced the thought to either DP or DD.

OP - it sounds like you feel in competition with his DD and want to force a choice between the two of you which you hope to win. You appear personally affronted that his DD doesn’t want a relationship with you, which she is perfectly entitled to for good, bad, or no reasons. This isn’t healthy. I’m surprised as a parent you’d expect a 4 year relationship to trump DD. You don’t seem to think very highly of your DP because you describe him as passive and weak when it comes to his DD. You also can’t seem to see things from DD or DP perspective, even when asked how you’d react in their shoes your best response is your DC would “never behave this way”. You also come across as overbearing, demanding and unreasonable by blowing this out of proportion given she rarely visits, you don’t live together (and don’t appear to have any plans to) he’s usually at yours, and you don’t even appear to want to spend time with her so are not really inconvenienced at all on the rare occasions she visits her dad. I think you should separate and save everyone involved the drama and angst.

You seem to have very fixed ideas about what family and other relationships 'should' be. You say elsewhere she has few friends and her dad spent a lot of time with her before he met you. So, she could be sad about that, and however irrational you might find it she might want time just with him in her childhood home. That you want him to 'back' you instead of her suggests you're trying to get him to compete in a way he doesn't want to, and are not very imaginative nor empathetic about someone who sounds pretty unhappy. Not that you have to be, just accept you can't always get precisely what you want.
And in her mind, it probably is her home. I'd back off and accept that if you won't even commit to living together then you can't dictate how he shares his home. If he's contributing financially to your home, maybe he feels he has more rights there anyway

Do you think that refusing to accept OP in her father’s life is acting in his best interest?
She's not accepting her in HER life. Nowhere has OP said she has told her father to dump her!

Sounds like OP should just start turning up at her father’s house and see if DD30 does just leave in a huff
What does this fit to do with OP saying the daughter should stay at her mum's so SHE can stay at his whenever she wants?

Why are some posters so determined to create conflict when it can be easily avoided? It's so immature and pathetic.

Yes, one would hope POA would be on hold while OP is considering her feelings.

The finances seem to be a bit more than paying his way at her house. She’s said he makes a (she emphasises modest) contribution as a demonstration of his commitment to them as a unit, and that she assumes his children don’t know as hers don’t even though it benefits them. I guess modest is relative but it sounds like more than just buying groceries etc (which I agree would be entirely expected).

Once again, you’re making it up - OP isn’t demanding and hasn’t demanded anything of the sort. She might secretly wish that was the case but she hasn’t voiced the thought to either DP or DD
No you're right ...she definitely didn't write that she heavily prompted him to reprimand her....oh yes, it's only prompted, not demanded 😁