I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

[SecretsAndLies77]

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

So many people spend their lives agonising over why people don’t like them and how unreasonable they are for it. In reality everyone pisses off other people. It may not be deliberate but it doesn’t matter
One hundred percent. I don't like my mil and she doesn't like me. That's absolutely fine. My husband spends regular one on one time with her and I can't imagine telling him that this has a direct impact on my dignity. He is fully entitled to love us both and I would see it as abusive to put pressure on him by making demands on how he spends time with her.

Thankfully, although we don't like each other we both respect my OH by not expecting this of him.

He’s a well off man in a big house, who has raised a 30 year old daughter to be an independent woman with a career. He’s now dating a (younger?) woman with two kids still at school who doesn’t want to move in with him , but is happy accepting financial contributions from him to run her -separate- household. I’m sorry OP, but unless there’s some back story of horrendous woe, if I was the independent career-woman daughter in this situation, I wouldn’t be too impressed by it either.

He’s doing his best in a difficult situation. You get him 95% of the time, if you can’t live with that move on.

OP also never said how she got to read this message where the daughter said horrible things about her and I can't help wondering whether this was a message to her dad and OP read his messages.

This is what OP wrote An honest question: would you have had the expectation that I have (I've not said this out loud, but deep down this is what I'm feeling), which is that if she doesn't want to "allow me" in his house - which isn't hers to allow or not allow anything - then they should be meeting in a restaurant for lunch? It's not necessarily that I want to be at the house when she's there (in fact I don't - I've no desire to see her) but I struggle very much with this idea that, on the whim of someone who doesn't even live there, my kids and I aren't welcome while she's there (but the next day we're back there for dinner?!) It's a question of principle.

She was asking a question, not saying that was what she wanted. She was exploring the principle that the decision to ‘allow’ her in his house was her partners’, not his DD’s to dictate, and that if she wasn’t comfortable with OP being there, lunch in a restaurant was an alternative. You completely missed that DD turns up without prior warning and expects her dad to cancel any plans he has to prioritise her. That’s what is unreasonable here.

She was asking a question, not saying that was what she wanted
Why even think of this question in the first place? It wouldn't even come to the mind of most partners not living with their partner.

And the suggestion she should stay at her mother instead of father, is that 'just' a question too?

There you go again, making assumptions. And wrong ones too, because if you’d read the opening post properly you’d know that OP said DD messaged her directly and then blocked her so she couldn’t reply.

You completely missed that DD turns up without prior warning and expects her dad to cancel any plans he has to prioritise her. That’s what is unreasonable here
Maybe maybe not.

If she happens to be in town one evening, late arrangement, and the plan was just to spend time at his house, then it wouldn't be unreasonable.

If she's there for a week, and expect her father to take her out when he's made plans with OP to go to the theatre, that's unreasonable. Context is in the detail, but OP stayed away from it.

I am the daughter in this situation, although it is not the same. My parents split up and dad remarried and had 2 other children. I was an adult then and largely kept away by his wife at the time so our relationship changed. When they then divorced we got closer again but she is still involved in his life and I will have nothing to do with her. If she is there I won’t be. In that situation I would expect him to tell her not to be there but we are maybe talking about 2 hours a month and I would never expect Christmas, birthday etc because I know he has that family unit to spend that time with.
I think it should be acknowledged and he should realise that it is hard for you but unless you are planning to live together does it need to be a deal breaker?

I agree fully that this is an assumption. However, you struggle to read properly. OP wrote 'Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful'.
She didn't write sent to me...

Anyway, this is now looking for things, so I agree it's not fair to have shared this assumption even though my gut feeling is that it wasn't written to her.

Because DD30 would walk out if OP came to call.

OP is perfectly happy for all of them to spend time in DD30’s childhood home. It’s only DD30 who refuses to let this happen.

But you already know this. You’ve just got some weird axe to grind. Perhaps you were the spoiled intransigent DD30 in this situation.

@Nocameltoeleggingsplease, in your case, they were married living together and had children together, which is a lot more commitment than what OP has with her partner.

OP is perfectly happy for all of them to spend time in DD30’s childhood home. It’s only DD30 who refuses to let this happen
OP has clearly said that she wouldn't want to be in his house when the daughter is there. Have you not read her messages?

It's not about arrangements as such, it's about principles for OP. She feels he is not respecting her dignity by not telling OP overtly that she can still come whenever she wants even when the daughter is there, even though she said she would go because she wouldn't want to see her.

What plan ? OP says she used to turn up unannounced and expect him to cancel his plans. What more detail do you want ? There is no context in which that’s reasonable.

I disagree. When you are with someone 95% of the time, sometimes, changing plans is not always unreasonable depending on the situation.

It happens all the time in healthy relationships. Gosh, my OH and I are supposed to play tennis together later, we do most week. If he text me in the next hour to say that his close friends who lives in Manchester will be over later and is it okay to cancel our tennis game exceptionally so they can go to have a pint at the pub, I'd say of course and have fun.

Some people look for outrage and conflict at any chance.

Nope. It’s about him having free rein to visit OP any time he likes with no constraints, and not extending the same courtesy to her. To the point where he invited DD to spend Christmas with them at OP’s home. Had she accepted, OP would have had to host her, knowing that had the plan been to spend Christmas at DP’s home, the choice would have been OP or DD, not both. I think that’s a pretty awful way to treat OP to be honest.

That’s very different to DP calling OP and cancelling plans because his DD has just turned up and doesn’t want OP around.

So he’s much older than you and he pays you money for your living expenses, I can see how that doesn’t look good to her, for me, competing with his child will never work, just accept she doesn’t like you and get on with it, this isn’t a hill to die on.

I get the feeling that there’s some sort of projection here too. Maybe I’m wrong but it certainly seems that way from the complete dismissal of OP’s point of view in favour oof a man who’s too conflict avoidant to stop his daughter from being rude to his partner. Which is what it boils down to.

My partner's DD doesn't like me after 20 years. If she threatened to walk out if I visited his home while she was there, I would stay away, because he's terrified of losing her. But importantly he is really grieved by her attitude towards me and knows I am upset by it, which makes me find the situation bearable.

No, he pays OP for his living expenses as he spends most of his time at OP’s home. On any ther thread he’d be a cocklodger for not doing so.

OP has clearly said that she wouldn't want to be in his house when the daughter is there. Have you not read her messages?

OP has clearly said that she would be happy to be there, but it’s her DP that doesn’t want her there when DD30 is around. Have you completely misunderstood the situation?

Some people do keep their existing dc and their relationship separate. I think this is fine to do.
Especially when one party has no desire to spend any time with the other whatsoever.
I have keys for my parents and siblings homes. I don't think that means that I can come and go as I please, so I find that a bit of a strange take tbh.
In your situation, maintaining separate homes sounds like a sensible choice. It means that dp can have a relationship with everyone who is important to him and avoid things being more awkward than they need to be.

Ideally, everyone would get along and be able to spend time together, but it isn't a necessity and often just doesn't happen ( seen on here a lot).
Sharing a home together In the future could be something that isn't going to happen due to the dynamics though.

I struggle to read properly ? Really ? Well you’ve mentioned the message DD sent twice now and at one point you intimated that OP was reading her DP’s messages. Not only did you miss that OP said quite clearly in her first post that DD messaged her directly and then blocked her so she couldn’t reply, but you also missed my reply to yourself pointing that out. And you’ve also missed that at 15.54 yesterday OP replied to your post of 15.09 yesterday telling her that she still hadn’t said how that horrible message was communicated to her. Her reply confirmed (for the third time) that it had been sent directly to her. There’s nothing wrong with my reading comprehension. At all.

i wonder if it would help you if he made more recognition to you of the fact that she is being unreasonable and badly behaved. Of course it is completely natural that she is jealous of the good relationship he has with you and your family - and may have concerns for long term financial issues. Most mature people realise that they have to acknowledge those feelings but cannot act upon them.

She will not “soften” and she does not in fact care for him so cutting off relationships with him is not a concern for her - but she might be worried about being disinherited!

in the future there will be many difficulties going far beyond being welcome in the house particularly around family occasions
christmas - weddings - grandchildren - and as you have mentioned when your partner is ill.

eventually will there be two funerals? One that you are at and one for her!

I understand that what has triggered your understandable indignation is the fact that she was being invited to your house for Christmas

this is not a natural consequence of her refusal to tolerate your company
the natural consequence is that she misses out!
so
I actually do think this is a moment for your partner to choose - you or her!
but mainly because if he chooses you and stands up to her she actually might realise that her behaviour has negative consequences for her and this will be the only way things will change. At the moment he has chosen you but is trying to placate her! It won’t work!