I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

[SecretsAndLies77]

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

I also think POA is a reasonable step because it’s obvious to anyone with half a brain that in the event of a serious health issue, DD would be next of kin and would use that to make sure OP didn’t get anywhere near her dad. I think the fact that POA is even being discussed indicates that DP has his own concerns that DD wouldn’t follow his wishes. I think both DD and OP should be appointed as attorneys (assuming DD would agree) - that way they have to work together and neither can cut the other out.

Joint POA requires the parties to agree on decisions. Since these two don’t even speak it seems unworkable, stressful and potentially dangerous. I’d advise either both DD’s (who are blood relations of course) and then the younger one can manage the OP’s access.

The fact OP wants it to come to her is a red flag to me. Who would ever want that over the living adult children of their partner? 🚨

You can’t avoid conflict when one party is continually inviting it - in this case DD by way of her behaviour towards OP. It’s not avoidance of conflict, it’s accepting the status quo at someone elses’ expense.

OP wants the same deal with free access to DP’s home, as DP gets to hers. He’s welcome 24/7. OP isn’t - there are strings attached. She mentioned upthread that they're spending Christmas at OP’s home, and that DP had invited DD to join them. Had she accepted, OP would have hosted her knowing that she herself wouldn’t have been extended the same courtesy had they been spending Christmas at DP’s home. Had DD accepted that invitation OP would have been asked to stay away. It’s not an equal relationship and it constantly reinforces the fact that OP’s wishes come behind that of her DP and his daughter.

If you can’t see that the daughter storming off would be an attempt to manipulate the father, there’s nothing I can really do to help you.

She is 30!
Sounds like a complete brat - plain bloody rude.
I feel for the OP, and the father, but he needs to put his foot down.

It absolutely could be, but I think we all have the right to leave somewhere if someone we detest turns up, don’t we?

The DP has asked OP not to come around because he wants to avoid conflict. I don’t understand why anyone would wilfully ignore the request of someone they love to deliberately force a showdown. That doesn’t seem very loving to me.

Who would ever want that over the living adult children of their partner?

Perhaps someone who doesn’t trust the adult child to act like an adult when the shit hits the fan. And DP has some agency in this - he’s just as invested in making sure his wishes are followed. But l agree it’s probably best left in the hands of both DDs with maybe some safeguards written into the POA as well.

There’s also a dilemma here because a POA won’t ensure full protection for OP. In the event that DP passes away, POA is automatically dissolved, so OP isn’t assured participation in funeral arrangements, or even access to his funeral. Given that OP says DP is quite a bit older than her, maybe this needs some consideration.

No relationship is equal by every metric though is it? OP doesn’t have unfettered access to DP’s home when DD is there, but DP spends most of his time at her house because it suits her better. Surely a relationship is about give and take and overall balance.

I’m not sure l could feel very loving towards someone who was constantly reinforcing the fact that l’m not his priority. I don’t think he’s so much avoiding conflict as preserving the status quo at OP’s expense. It doesn’t have to be a straight up conflict, but l think by this point he should at least have tried to intervene and explain to DD that her behaviour is upsetting to him as well as OP, and that there is plenty of room for both of them in his life.

OP said that POA will ‘very much’ come to her for that reason. Didn’t even consider that the younger but still adult DD might be a better option.

And yes, if the OP is seeking ‘protection’ she will need to find another way.

Though again I wonder if OP perceives relations with older DD to be so poor that even younger DD can’t manage in the event of a crisis, why she wouldn’t be trying to soothe and improve, rather than blame and inflame.

I just don’t get the impression she has his best interests in front of mind here. It’s another thing to win.

I feel quite sorry for the DP.

This is an excellent answer.
The DP should at least request basic good manners from his elder daughter towards OP. It's unfortunate that's she taken an (apparently) unreasonable dislike to OP but she doesn't have to show it.
I doubt she'll want to risk her inheritance (dad's large house?) by falling out with him.
Is future inheritance of his assets at the root of her animosity?
How has she treated any previous partners of his?

That’s fair. I think he has done that according to OP - the earlier turning up and then the texts. Now she wants him to tell the DD she has unfettered access at all times and he’s set his own boundary.

I don’t think I’d ever feel loving towards a man whose children weren’t his priority. As I said earlier in the thread, a man who prioritises his daughters is a rare and - to me - attractive prospect. As older adults, we have multiple priorities to juggle and mostly family come first. I’d expect a partner to accept that, and I’d expect and accept that too. I have my own Dad, I don’t need someone else’s!

On a practical level, you dont have to cross paths with her. It's annoying but if at all other times things are good then why dont you just leave it. Some ppl just take against others for no particularly good reason. If I were in your position I'd probably be glad things are structured in such a way that I dont have to see this woman..Just avoid her and enjoy your life. And if it bothers you THAT much then split up.

I think I’d want everything clarified rather than ‘unspoken’. For example “ok, I’m going to keep out of the way while she’s around, although who comes to your house really shouldn’t be up to an adult who doesn’t live there, but in that case I won’t be inviting her to my house”.

Double standards are not an option!

I have been in your situation @SecretsAndLies77 and while my DP has struggled sometimes with being manipulated by his ex and his DC, he wouldn’t entertain me being excluded from his house (I have on occasion chosen to keep out of certain situations, but entirely my decision).

It's always a woman's fault.

On another thread (not one I'd started) another poster - ostensibly a woman - asked me what I had done to 'facilitate' my husband's relationship between his daughter and granddaughter.

That was the point when I gave up.

In all honesty, I'd have been here all day if I'd written down the whole tale, but there was no point in subjecting myself to more vitriol. I was daft enough to give a short answer but then just moved on.

You can’t avoid conflict when one party is continually inviting it - in this case DD by way of her behaviour towards OP. It’s not avoidance of conflict, it’s accepting the status quo at someone elses’ expense
Oh yes you can, you don't engage. OP is doing exactly the opposite. HEAVILY promoting someone to reprimand their adult child is definitely steering thing and putting fuel on fire. OPs posts makes it very clear that she IS provoking conflict. She is calling her partner names because he doesn't want conflict. That says it all!

I’m not sure l could feel very loving towards someone who was constantly reinforcing the fact that l’m not his priority
But it's not constantly here, it's a couple of occasions a year! I couldn't love or even tolerate a partner, especially not living with me or planning to do telling me how to manage my time the very few times they come to visit me.

I missed the bit about the financial contributions! Wow. So despite him doing that, OP you still expect to be able to be present in his home whenever you like

I genuinely thought that my husband's kids would both have their dad's best interests at heart at all times.

Gradually it became clear that that wasn't necessarily the case. When we realised that a POA was needed for him, I was put down as primary POA with his son being the back-up.

Having his daughter down as his POA would have been disastrous, though I do think that she loved him in her own way.

I've mentioned elsewhere on MN that the turning point for me was when - after I'd been caring for DH for some years I hit health issues of my own. I phoned the daughter to let her know and to emphasise that if anything happened to me, her dad would need care.

I didn't want the kids to provide hands on care - just to advocate for DH if I wasn't there. Her immediate response was "You're not thinking of leaving him are you?"

When I got the all clear and let her know, I again emphasised that her dad would need care in the event of anything happening to me. I just wanted reassurance that DH would be taken care of.

Her response this time was "But you're all right, aren't you?" And no, it wasn't a case of her checking that I was okay - that wasn't the tone. She never did tell me that that they'd make sure that DH was looked after.

I do recall letting her know at a later date (during lockdown) that DH would inherit my pension and giving her the emergency number for the local social work department if it were ever needed. I told her that she only needed to phone that number and she then agreed to do that.

It doesn’t have to be a straight up conflict, but l think by this point he should at least have tried to intervene and explain to DD that her behaviour is upsetting to him as well as OP, and that there is plenty of room for both of them in his life
The most common position in these circumstances is that the person stuck in the middle agree and/or disagree with both parties so they say to both what they want to hear because they are tired of the pettiness of it. Of course, one or both take it that the person stuck in the middle is taking their side, which makes them feel they are winning the battle and then have a tantrum when they don't.

I just can't comprehend any grown up who gets caught into it. It really really isn't hard to just ignore any situations deemed provocative and just get on with ones own life.

In this instance, we are talking about a you ger adults whose been close to her dad all her life Vs a partner who has never lived with him, isn't keen to do so, is not sure she still loves him and ultimately has only been in his life less than 1/10th of his life. It's obvious who the balance falls on!

Its sounds like you want to compete for his love with his child. She may be 30 but she is still his daughter. The other daughter likes you so theres obviously something that has got under the older daughters skin. I do think she needs to grow up and act like an adult, but you are also being unreasonable expecting your partner to put you first. Would you really choose your partner over your child if this were the other way around? I dont think anyone can say what they would do unless they have experienced it for themselves, but as you should know, the love for your kid trumps all.

I think this message from the daughter is probably important.

Even if you don't like someone, if you've only met them a handful of times in the last 4 years, what would you have to be angry about on a day to day basis. It's got to be pretty rare that an abusive message comes out of nowhere, with no context, but it's also a one off (or the OP would have surely said).

No one just gets up one morning and completely randomly decides to send a nasty message to someone that hasn't been in their lives for a long time. Did it follow a meeting, an argument, What's the context, because there absolutely is going to be some.

Something just have triggered this specific message, so what was it?

I will always have my adult children as my priority, especially over a partner that I have been with for 4 years and don't even live with. If that stops any man from loving me then good riddance. No man will ever be more important to me than my children, it doesn't matter if they are 5, 20 or 40 years old.

So do I, and find it curious the op hasn’t said what it was, just about their relationship.

I suspect the age difference and the fact the op takes money from him has something to do with this issue and it’s a lot more than it costs to have him there.

How old are you both op, you’ve given the kids ages, but not yours or your boyfriends,

Huh? They're both women, and OP has specifically called out her DP for being weak. I really don't understand what point you're trying to make.