I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

[SecretsAndLies77]

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

But you don't think the daughter should be, it is her father, you cant change that

Precisely this!!

I just want to write to say thanks to everyone who replied thoughtfully, whatever their opinion or advice was. It's been really helpful to discuss this and hear some new points of view. Thank you also to the couple of people who DM-ed me, that's appreciated (why is the messaging functionality so weird and you can't see what you're typing??)
There were a few people who were needlesly aggressive - I'm not sure what that's about but it's definitely more about yourselves than me. Keyboard warriors and all that.
Back to real life now so won't be reading this thread any more, but it's been really helpful.

The more PPs have asked the more I thought about it, and came to the conclusion, it's really just the fact that he used to be entirely at her beck and call, and now he isn't (which is normal - a man can't have a serious committed relationship while being at his adult children's beck and call - it just doesn't work like that). I just don't feel she's ever forgiven the change
Of course you came to that conclusion. It's the one that suits your narrative. It's the one shows you as being the victim to an entitled vindictive daughter.

Maybe you are genuinely not aware of it but your dedain for this woman is spilling out from all your posts here, so it's not hard to assume that it's even more obvious in real life.

You got this man that came into your life and played prince charming. Take on a father role, helps you financially, takes you all on nice holidays and you want him to have only eyes and time for you. His eldest daughter didn't fall for your charm and you took a dislike in her right there and then.

You show no interest whatsoever here in wanting to understand her better, make amends or find a compromise. The only option is to portray her the nasty woman that suits your narrative.

What is most telling in everything you wrote....that you would consider getting POA for a man you wrote you were falling out in love with just because he is not prepared to say to you that he'll treat his daughter like a second citizen like you want him too.

Poor guy who is desperate to secure a companion for the rest of his life and can't see that your love come with conditions that require him to dump the daughter who gets in your way. He is going to have a rude awakening one day. Also be prepared to have to deal with his second daughter too soon when she sees beyond your intentions.

If there is no possibility of you building bridges with his daughter, then sadly yes I think your relationship has ran its course.

It's been really helpful to discuss this and hear some new points of view
Helpful? You finished the discussion concluding that she's horrible and everything is her fault. Exactly what you came here to hope to hear.

There's no discussion and certainly no reflection and it can only be assumed to be how you deal with things in real life.

They’ve discussed POA because it’s clear that DD wouldn’t allow OP anywhere near her dad if something happened with his health - if he knows DD wouldn’t comply with his wishes he’s perfectly entitled to make other arrangements. Nobody has said anything about him making the same decisions for OP and her own kids are still children, so it’s not really relevant.

And OP says he spends most of the time at her home - 5/6 nights a week. That being the case, why would anyone be suspicious of him giving OP money - he’s likely covering the extra expense. If he wasn’t doing this posters would be calling him a cocklodger, so OP really can’t win can she ?

I expect OP will be back in another thread in a few years to relate how his horrible daughters made her life so miserable, manipulated her dad, she had no choice but to break up with him but nothing is her fault.

There have been quite a few of those over the span of MN.

I’ve read all of OP’s posts and I really can’t see how you’ve come to that conclusion. At all.

if he knows DD wouldn’t comply with his wishes he’s perfectly entitled to make other arrangements
And if he was pointed to this thread and read that OP was falling out of love with him because he is supposedly neglecting her dignity by agreeing to his daughter staying at her childhood home, do you really think he would go ahead with getting OP to have POA for him?

What thread are you reading because it’s clearly not this OP’s.

Probably not, but OP didn’t say they had made any hard and fast arrangements, just that they had discussed it. Clearly if she decides to end the relationship there would be no need for the POA to be arranged.

What thread are you reading because it’s clearly not this OP’s
Oh it is this one and a fair few are reading it just the same.

because he is supposedly neglecting her dignity by agreeing to his daughter staying at her childhood home

There is no indication that OP wants to prevent DD30 from spending time at her childhood home. Quite the opposite in fact.

Probably not, but OP didn’t say they had made any hard and fast arrangements, just that they had discussed it. Clearly if she decides to end the relationship there would be no need for the POA to be arranged
If she has doubts about the relationship, just as she's told him she prefers they keep their separate properties, she should tell him that it's not a good idea to get POA at this stage. It's simple. But getting POA is a way to get that 'dignity' she is so keen on and show the eldest that she is more important.

I don’t see anyone else making things up. Just you.

There is no indication that OP wants to prevent DD30 from spending time at her childhood home. Quite the opposite in fact
You need to read the thread again. OP wrote that she wants him to only meet her in a restaurant and that she should stay at her mum's rather than her dad. Have you missed all that?

How often does she visit her Dad? Is it always planned in advance?Just trying to get a sense of the scale of the issue….??

Actually no - it’s his home and he can decide who is there.

Good luck with telling people not to bother replying unless they are in the exact situation though.

In any case it doesn’t matter what people say. She doesn’t like you, you don’t like her. So he sees you separately, which is reasonable.

When your kids are adults, would you prioritise a partner over them or would you facilitate relationships with both of them separately

Either accept that you can’t just swan in when you want or split with him.

Nope. Getting POA is their way of stopping DD from going against her fathers’ wishes, should anything happen to him. Seems pretty clear to me. DD wouldn’t allow OP anywhere near her fathers’ bedside so they’re discussing how they can prevent that - it’s in his interests to have someone who will honour his wishes so why are you assuming he’s not on board with it ?

In my experience, there’s a lot to be said for accepting people disliking you. It’s part of life. There’s no need for you to have any interaction with her whatsoever. If it’s a dealbreaker for you, then of course, end the relationship. But personally I wouldn’t throw the baby out with the bath water (as my grandmother used to say!).

That’s one of the most sensible things I have ever read on here.

So many people spend their lives agonising over why people don’t like them and how unreasonable they are for it. In reality everyone pisses off other people. It may not be deliberate but it doesn’t matter.

Nope. Getting POA is their way of stopping DD from going against her fathers’ wishes, should anything happen to him
Interesting how you are assuming, with no evidence at all, that the daughter would go against her father's wishes.

I would have much more trust in my children having my best interests at heart than a partner of 4 years who doesn't want to live with me, says they are falling out of love with me because I insist my kids come and stay at my house, and is happy to receive financial support from me.

I’m not assuming anything. I’m going on what OP has actually said, not what l think she means.

Cringing for having a room in your parents house? How sad for you to think that way. I am 41 and my parents kept my room and I immagine they always will, is my safe space and their way of saying I am always welcome to go home, no matter what life throws at me. I live in diferent country from them as well. My belongings, my photo albums, my journals, my clothing, including tampons, make up remover, socks and underwear are there for me. Of course the room is used if needed, but the love my parents have for me is a blessing, not a reason to "cringe".