I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

[SecretsAndLies77]

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

He for whatever reason believes that in due course she'll 'soften'. I have told him I have major reservations about us living together full stop, though. He said he would accept that if that's my decision but for the moment it's kind of open. My DC are too young for this to be a realistic plan for any time soon.
Yes, I know what you mean about her being difficult if anything happens to him. We are in the process of sorting out power of attorney for health purposes.

Have you said it’s your decision too? You’re telling me your house cannot be a home for ds and I - do you think I and ds would politely leave so your dd can come around if that’s my home? It wouldn’t be happening, but you want me to, so you currently have decided we can’t live together irrespective of any other thoughts I have.

OP, by any chance are you closer in age to your partner's daughter than you are to him? I'm very curious - I think this (rightly or wrongly) is often an issue that adult children have with a parent's new partner.

Not really. He is a fair bit older than me but even so, I'm a "normal amount" older than his daughter, so I don't think it's one of those. I do know what you mean though. The more PPs have asked the more I thought about it, and came to the conclusion, it's really just the fact that he used to be entirely at her beck and call, and now he isn't (which is normal - a man can't have a serious committed relationship while being at his adult children's beck and call - it just doesn't work like that). I just don't feel she's ever forgiven the change.

Ditto

My husband's daughter and her partner had the same age gap as between my husband and me. She actually had step-grandchildren who were older than her daughter - so you'd think that the age gap wouldn't be an issue, but...

I had a very long post written out, explaining what made me think that the age difference was an issue, but I've deleted. As I've said previously, people's feelings don't always follow logic.

So you will have power of attorney for health for him? The man you’re on mumsnet questioning whether you should break up with? Does that seem off to you at all?

You’re also accepting money from this man while claiming to be a professional woman who doesn’t need it. Will you also have poa for his finances?

I can understand why his daughter doesn’t like you and might be feeling protective of her dad. He actually sounds somewhat vulnerable/ naive.

But you don't - this is the thing - it's not your home.

You come across incredibly badly in this thread, this reply is demanding, rude and entitled. You could simply have ignored it. But - and this is key - you want validation. Not advice.

And the person you snarkily shouted down was quite right. Respect her choice to have nothing to do with you, since there is literally nothing you can do about it that won't get you arrested or make you look like an absolute loon at best.

And stop pestering her poor father. He doesn't have to agree with you.

Nobody has to agree with you. Time you started to understand that.

I understand your frustrations but he will always be loyal to his daughter and if she is at the house - which does sound like it is not very often - why would you want to be there. Real life is not ideal so if you can’t accept the situation you may be better apart.

OP don't just turn up anyway. It's completely disrespecting everyones boundaries and a massive fuck you to your partner and his daughter. If my partner did this to me, went against my wishes in regards to my family, I'd immediately end things.

I’d say it was the father. It’s his home and he lives there. Only problem is he’s spineless.

Suffer? And so much that she is in need of thorough pampering afterwards?
For the love of God, the reaction is pîque and her loathing of being thwarted in anything.

His spine (regarding entitlement to the private enjoyment of his own home with whomever he invites, non-romantically) is his own business though.
And with knobs on, where his offspring are concerned.
It’s not as though this exclusion occurs every weekend.
It’s such a fight over very little really, since clearly it isnt a matter that’ll give way to angry pressure, therefore the result will be OP’s loss, by the sound of things.

It occurs to me that her intimations about falling out of love now might be her planning pre-emptive severing of the relationship, lest she has to hear him say he cannot accept her insisting on access to his house when DD is visiting, and making him chose which woman he will put first is intolerable behaviour.
I have probably read too much tangled fiction, and any such plan would never occur to a person!
However, OP has shown a pretty extreme need to be right, vindicated, and to be in a position where her primacy isn’t questioned again.
In such circs, giving way with good grace won’t come naturally and she may be that rare person who’d sacrifice a perfectly good relationship rather than agree to a pretty minor concession for her beloved.

I wouldn't have put up with this and would have ended the relationship long before now. If these things aren't nipped in the bud at the start and resolved then they just cause a growing resentment all round that will never get any better.
From your post you have actually woken up and smelled the coffee . How can you continue to love someone that allows his daughter to treat you so badly without reason?
You probably still love him, but you don't love the way you are being treated and that's important to realise because you can see he doesn't love you enough to sort it out once and for all , he obviously loves his daughter and doesn't want to lose her, that's totally understandable, but to allow her behaviour towards you to carry on especially given her age.... she's 30 FFS! I think it's ridiculous and unfair. I wouldn't give them any more of my time. Find someone who welcomes you and all your family into his life.

I have zero desire to live in his house, in any case. I'm not going to uproot two kids. Maybe when they leave home but then his house would be absurdly big for just him and me, and I'd want to start afresh somewhere new. Anyway all that seems very abstract and in another gallaxy, so to speak. We spend most of our time together, it's difficult to justify such a major upheaval just so that it would literally be 7-nights a week together rather than, say, 5-6 which may be the case now.

Why would you want to go there when she's there ? She doesn't like you. Why do you discuss just turning up, what's the point ?

The way you've written it sounds contradictory but it's not really when you stop and unpack. Yes I will have POA for health and that's entirely reasonable, precisely for the reason someone else had mentioned - currently, his next of kin would be his DD and, given the situation, literally no guarantee she would allow me to be by his bedside if he got run over by a bus. So yes, I'm very much going to have POA. It is for health only, not finances which I neither need nor want.

I agree it's not ideal that I'm on MN debating what to do about the relationship, there's no question about that. But I wanted to see what the average person in my shoes would feel, think and potentially do.

Yes I can be a professional woman and him still being a higher earner than me - and it being logical that he should contribute to my household as he spends a lot of time here. It's funny because on various women's chats I often see warnings against 'cocklodgers' and becoming 'a nurse and a purse'. Here we have a high earning man who is happy to support my household (in a modest way I'd add - it's not a huge amount and to me the meaning is more symbolic than anything) but that also raises suspicions somehow.

I assure you he's about as far from vulnerable as you can imagine - a very masculine, 6 ft man in a terrific physical condition and with a senior job in a multinational corporation, just really passive when it comes to his adult daughters due to complicated family history.

My sister and a neighbour have a key to my house….they don’t have 24 hour access!!! You’re not wanted when she’s there, she doesn’t like you, stay away while she’s there 🤷‍♀️

First wives? Wow

Look, am I selfish? Possibly, sometimes, as I'm human, and I'm sure if someone was to dissect your life they could find instances when you've been selfish. Show me a person who doesn't to some degree, sometimes, have self interests at heart!
He's most definitely not looking to dump me, I don't know where that comment comes from. This is a very committed man who spends every weekend taking my kids to football and drama, takes my kids and me away on holidays, entertains my colleagues, cooks / hosts / helps to look after my household as though it's his own. He's taken on the role of the man of the family because, in essence, he is (there certainly isn't another man around to do all that!)
And maybe that's the reason why his DD doesn't like me, maybe she doesn't like the thought that he has built a new life with new people BUT she lives away and has her own life, so why should he not have his - should he be alone? I was perfectly happy to include his DD in everything, and initially loved the idea of big family events etc. I did not push her out. She checked out for her own reasons and now he's left trying to balance things.
I would absolutely not say that he chooses her over me, nor that he chooses me over her either. It's literally comments like this that suggest that it's some kind of zero sum game, a competition - why? I'm talking about emotional fairness, about inclusion.
I'm not sure why you've felt the need to write such a hostile response - 'I hope he dumps you' - you should maybe look to see where your own hate is coming from. I'm surprised you didn't just write 'I hope you die', lol.

I don't particularly like my Dad's partner. The way she talks to people and her attitude just grate on me. I don't mind being in her presence for a few hours but I wouldn't want her there every time I visited my Dad. My SiL really gets on well with her though.

You just need to leave them to it. Or if it really bothers you that much keep poking the bear and see what happens I guess.

The whole thing about 'just turning up' was something I never once said, it was suggested in someone's response and then everyone started assuming I was turning up announced all the time. I have sometimes gone to my partner's for a cup of tea if I was in the area and he was at home, as he has done too. It's a nice surprise and we both enjoyed that kind of intimacy, at the end of the day we have each other on 'Find my' app so we can see who's where and it's nice to surprise someone at home. Both my kids and I have enjoyed him popping in sometimes. But I wouldn't drop in when there's someone at his house who hates me. I don't know why there's an assumption I would? I only said I had a key because someone said 'but you don't have access anyway'. In any case it's not about physical access - it's about the sense of being welcome.

The more you post, the more I sympathise with the DD. I would also be highly suspicious if my dad met a considerably younger woman who he gave money to every month, although they didn't live together, and who he is giving POA to for something as important as his health. You have known him for 4 years and are just boyfriend/girlfriend at this stage.

Are your kids OK with him making decisions about your life too should you be in a serious accident for example?