I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

[SecretsAndLies77]

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

Loyalty to one's own children has to come first. Anything else, whether it's clearly vocalised or dressed up in flowery language about love and loyalty or not, is boiling down to 'choose me over your children'.

If the consequence of you choosing your boyfriend over your own child was that your child decided to never see you again and to stay with her father and his family, you'd choose your child.

In addition, it isn't your house. He can therefore decide whether he allows you in with or without a key at any time - he is the owner - and forcing the issue (and potentially deliberately acting to create a situation where he potentially loses his daughter) would be an unacceptably malignant act designed to destroy his relationship with his daughter so that you achieved control.

I disagree that posters who've been in the other positions in this scenario can't give "considered opinions". The fact you don't think it's relevant to consider other perspectives might say something about how you got there.

You want unlimited access to your partner's house, to the point you suggest he should leave his own house to meet his daughter. Would you even go there during those times, while he's out with this daughter?

Could it be that you are looking for ratification that you are right and she's wrong (as she might be doing herself), maybe trying to understand why she's wrong, when ultimately, it comes to accepting that you have different perspectives, don't like eachother (your comment about her having no friends does hint to you not really liking her as a person), and leave it at that?

You really don't have to like eachother to live happily in parallel. You certainly don't need to be in competition. Accept your partner will want to have stress free time with his daughter alone and when he does, you will not be fully present in his thoughts. Just like I hope he doesn't spend all his time talking about her when you are together.

I've been in this dynamic before. My eldest daughter didn't like my partner and it was a terrible atmosphere when I tried to play happy families.
With my current partner I made it clear that we woul have separate time even though his children are relaxed with me.
Keep your partner if you want him but don't try to 'blend' the families. It's too much like hard work and nobody's happy

Another example is what if your children or one of them asked to go away somewhere as a break with you only for mum and child time together when he is an adult? Will you insist your partner has to come so that his dignity isn't affected?

You are seeking experience from women in your situation because others might not fully understand but I'm not sure you fully understand how relationship between an adult child and parent, especially separated parents really are.

My kids are adults, I see one only a few times a year. I hope we can go away together for a few days soon. She won't want my oh to come and not will I because the dynamics are totally different.

I would hate to feel that I'm doing something wrong for wanting quality time with my adult daughter a few times a year.

DPs eldest isn’t happy about me - just because he likes it just his dad, brother and him (he’s 17). I stay all week every week and every other weekend. I have keys to the house and I know that he’d never tell me to leave/not welcome but I also know that when his eldest is there it’s better for us all if I’m not. His kids will always be his priority -same as mine are mine

Language can come across clunky when trying not to write 'essays', which I can be prone to. Let me try to correct.

Of course they can be considered. But depending on their experiences, they mightly simply be triggered. That's where I see limited value in taking their points on board, because if people speak from very strong emotional standpoints of their own, that doesn't really help me to more clearly see this situation, it just muddies the water even more.

About your final point, yes I can see how it sounds when you write it that way. I guess I'm not literally saying I expect that, or would ask for that, or that he should necessarily do that. I was - I don't know - venting frustration, expressing a secret fantasy where she doesn't use his house any more and stays with her mother instead, as she's done many times over the last year. But anyway it doesn't matter. It is what it is. The people who made the most sense out of all 17 pages of discussion are the ones who said that it doesn't matter who's right or wrong, it's still my decision to make (to stay or leave). And I find it impossible to decide. Whatever decision I make, within an afternoon I go to the opposite. I've never experienced this kind of push-pull before and, regardless of how sympathetic or not I come across on MN, I'm a person with feelings and this is serious and painful. It's not some kind of game, it's actually my life, and my children's life as they adore him and have an amazing relationship with him.

Then stop making a mountain out of a molehill and give him space when he’s with his older DD. You’re making your own life hard here.

You have his backing, because if his daughter was always first the relationship would have ended by now.

What you actually mean, I suspect, is you want him to take your side. Emotional maturity brings the realisation there are no sides, just a position you can tolerate without compromising relationships. That surely is where you are now?

In my experience of this, shared home with DH who has 2 adult children and we share a child together. His eldest is not keen on me, very similar situation, they are 27, have their own home and live overseas. There is a cool distance between us, particularly since a recent holiday celebration didn’t go as well as hoped. We do not live in their old family home and I had no involvement in the breakdown of his marriage - met 10 years after they divorced. I have no interest in preventing their relationship but I also have no desire to be present. I make myself busy when they visit, I give space, make plans. I am fine with this, it is not often and I make sure it doesn’t affect me. I would be glad to have my own space as you do and to retreat. It is possible to choose not to engage to everyone’s benefit. Also, the less you engage with it, the more unreasonable she looks.

I don't have any experience but I can totally see your point OP. I think you have to set your own boundaries somehow. It's not fair that you can't enter DP house when she is there, she's a grown ass woman fgs! She is acting like a spoilt little princess. I imagine if your DP was with someone else she wouldn't like her either. Your DP will never be able to settle down with anyone because she is holding all the cards. He will have risk losing her if he wants true happiness.

I like one of the posters ideas about DP asking his DD how would she feel if he acted that way with her partner. If her partner broke up with her because of how he acted. Might make her think a little bit? Who knows, he must ask her those questions though.

You could also tell DP

"If that's the arrangement when she's visiting, I'm not going to argue about it. But I'm also not going to carry on as though it doesn't matter to me. I won't come over the following day and pretend everything is fine just because the visit is over."

And then don't go to his house for a few days afterwards, and don't let him come to yours. This is your new boundary. Let him be alone for a few days afterwards, the longer the better. I wouldn't want to pretend all is fine either when this is not ok.

I wouldn't want this type of relationship. After 4 years I wouldn't want to be excluded from my DP's home if his daughter is visiting. Your DP is content for you not to visit and doesn't see any need to change the situation.
So it comes down to you. I would leave the relationship.

He’s known you 4 years, known her 30 . It’s as simple as that. Sorry op, you won’t win this one. She’s old enough to behave better BUT at her age no one can change her.
I would just walk away.

It all feels a bit contradictory at times.

You say you have unlimited access to his home, can (and should) come and go as you please, but that doesn't go both ways because you don't want him there all the time, you value your own space in not living together etc. So there are also limits to how much your want him at your house.

The difference is you want him not there's so you can have space. He wants you not at his so he can maintain a tricky relationship.

It's like what's his is yours, and what's yours is yours.

I don’t see a future with this relationship

That 'freedom and relaxation' you mention above is exactly what DSD is seeking in time with her Dad

Exactly this.

Yes, and your hurt is very real and understandable, OP, so during the time you are banished from DP’s home while his daughter is, you should totally spoil yourself. Massage, pedicure, dinner out, maybe a mini break to somewhere warm. Don’t allow yourself to suffer because of that daughter.

I think you have to set your own boundaries somehow. It's not fair that you can't enter DP house when she is there, she's a grown ass woman fgs!
I love it how some people use the expression 'setting your own boundaries'! You can set you own boundaries about the decision you make, in your own home.

Setting your own boundaries when it involves telling others what they should do in their own home is called trying to control them!

Of course it is fair that OPs partners sets HIS own boundaries in his OWN home!

You don’t know anything about me, my situation or what number of wife I am! 😂

You should maybe have asked for people to only respond to you if they agreed with you, silly me for having a differing opinion.

He is in a lose lose situation. He has two adult women who he loves on either side of him wanting him to support them and whatever choice he makes is the wrong one, so he’s doing the sensible thing and keeping the hell out of it.

You don’t live together so don’t need access to his home when she is there. Equally, she likely won’t attend events at your home. Life could muddle on quite well so long as you both just keep out of each other’s way.

My instinct is if you push him on this you will lose, and I think you worry about that too, which is why the relationship feels unsafe.

I hear what you're saying - I was in a similar situation. However, in my experience blended family dynamics still come into play (particularly when the children eventually have children of their own).

No matter how much time has passed, the children often look back at what were to them the halcyon days when their parents were together and still see themselves as a family unit with their parents.

I'm fairly certain that this was the case with my husband's daughter, in spite of the fact that her partner had adult children (and grandchildren) from a previous relationship.

I don't know what the answer is, but I know that I spent my marriage trying not to rock the boat for my husband's sake.

What’s that supposed to mean?

This is good advice.

You say that your OH would like you to live together in the future, how does he envisage this happening with the way things currently stand with his daughters attitude towards you? Will you be expected to leave what would be your own home any time she is to visit?

Something for you to consider also if you are to continue the relationship, where will you fit in if your OH gets seriously ill, is incapacitated, or dies? I could see this madam banning you from entering hospital rooms/funeral etc.