I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

[SecretsAndLies77]

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

You me ruined that your partner is conflict avoidant as if that's a flow but it's actually a quality.

It's a good thing to avoid conflict. In his eyes, he has a daughter and a partner he lives who don't like each other. He can't bake either like the other. What other option does he have? He either takes the side of one, and lose the other. Or try to give each what they need separately.

It's okay that he devotes some times to his daughter and it's inevitable that he doesn't give you much attention when he does because he can't give it to both at the same time.

If there's to be a winner, it's you since you share a family life with him AND her sister. Why do you want even more? You'll have your happy family for Christmas and she won't be with her dad and sister. Cut her some slack and enjoy the life you have.

If DD refuses to be around OP and is rude to her when she is, then l would think at the very least OP is entitled to know why. And if her partner is prepared to allow his DD to be rude to OP then l think OP needs to reconsider the relationship. DD may be important in her dad’s life but not to the extent where she’s allowed to be rude and disrespectful and to ruin his relationship with a long term partner. If OP is genuine and the situation is as she tells it, then yes, it is all about her, because she’s the one whose feelings come behind that of her partner and his daughter - not a position l would want or tolerate for myself.

What would you do if one of your children had a massive fall out with him and be er wanted to see him again? It could happen. Would you force your child to accept that your partner can come whenever he wants regardless of how they feel?

So where do you and him see relationship going- do you intend to ever live together? Because surely this won’t work?

That’s entirely different though - OP would know what the problem was. In her own case she has no idea what she’s done to make DD dislike her.

Ah, fair enough :-) I know that various people will comment, I guess I was just trying to say I'm not really interested in the opinion of someone who's never been in these kinds of dynamics, because it's totally different from a first marriage where you have DC together. Of course people have opinions, but it's like having an opinion about the landing on the Moon even though you've only ever been in an airplane - it's just not the same thing.

I have thought about this a lot. The answer is no, I wouldn't force my children, but they are children. They aren't adults. Also, it's really difficult for me to try to imagine this because my children would never do that.

He thinks it's going to change over time and we will live together! He doesn't want to live on his own when his younger daughter leaves home, which could be relatively soon. It's a bit crazy tbh. I don't really want to. I did at one point, but don't any more as I've come to seriously value my peace.

And yet there have been posts from people who have been in your situation who haven’t agreed with you, and others who haven’t but whose advice you’ve listened to.

Empathy and thought don’t always depend on having been in a situation, and don’t always magically appear even if someone has.

Genuinely not. It's just a private matter between a man and a woman who're in a relationship.
Also, it seems from a few of the comments about this that people assume she knows about it - I'm pretty sure she doesn't, because, why would he tell her?

Again, it's a private agreement between us. It's not any staggering amount of money (nor is he some rich old dude I want to marry for his money. I'm a successful professional woman myself, so I don't need that). It was a matter of showing commitment to us as a unit, and him being a higher earner, it makes sense (to us). It's really no one else's business. My kids don't know either and they benefit from it, so why would his daughter who lives 100 miles away.

She has said that her sister is always like this and once she decides she doesn't like someone, that's it. That's all I know, and I heard this second hand (from DP) so I can only guess that it's true but can't say a billion percent that's exactly what was said.

If you don't actually want to live with him, what's the issue? Just don't cross paths with her. Let her have him when they agree to meet, you have the rest of him. You don't even want him for yourself full-time, why would you want him to restrict her access to him for when you're busy doing other things?

It sounds like he hasn't stopped you coming over, but you both know it is likely she will leave. So you are not banned from the house you are just doing him the courtesy of staying away while dd around to facilitate him having a relationship with his dd. As long as it isnt too frequent I wouldnt mind.

I also wouldn't mind her being invited at Christmas but if she said yes i would expect this meant a new start and willingness to have at least a basic civil relationship. As she has said no then nothing to worry about, you get the Christmas you want.

Can I suggest you widen you net in seeking advice to include the people who were children of blended families. Only hearing from women in a 2nd marriage gives you an echo chamber. It is off-spring of blended families who might be able to give insight into DD30’s possible thoughts and feelings, which may potentially raise ways forward.

Have you made it very clear to him that this isn't going to happen, and that in fact the situation with his DD means you might not even be staying together?

I don't think you're being at all unreasonable not wanting to be shut out of his home when you have a key and are usually there all the time. Of course our children come first, but when it's an adult child behaving in a horrible way for no reason, there's definitely some nuance.

Ultimately I think you have a choice to make, are you prepared to have this happen for potentially decades to come? If he's not going to support you and and she's going to continue to be like this, it's really on you to make a change - unfortunately.

Yeah, that's fair too. I think we all feel better when someone appears to get what we're saying - I don't think I'm alone in appreciating some external understanding for my situation. I have also really paid attention to what some PPs have written even if it's not necessarily my 'ideal' response.

I mean, what IS my ideal response? In a way it would be easier if everyone simply told me to stop BU. I could maybe try to put away how I feel about this if I knew that unanimously people condemned it as irrational.

But that's not the case, and also some of the people condemning it are definitely just here for the laughs and to throw a few stones as they've nothing better to do - so, yeah, forgive me for totally disregarding their comments.

As I said, everything you’ve shared here is private between the two of you, so it’s not that surprising someone would ask.

I do find it interesting that you’re unsure if she knows and cagey about whether she does. Of course it’s entirely up to him who he chooses to give money to. I’m sure you can accept though that cash isn’t the usual way to demonstrate commitment. But since you’re happy with that arrangement and it benefits your kids, it seems a bit controlling to also want him to ‘back you’ against his daughter. You seem to want everything your own way. How do you demonstrate your commitment to him?

You can disregard anyone, of course you can. I’m just saying that sometimes you can get good advice and understanding from people who haven’t been in your exact shoes. Sometimes there isn’t a good answer, it’s just what it is. You are being unreasonable in real
terms - right now, the issue is in your head rather than in reality. She’s at his house a couple of times a year, you have your own home, career and kids to keep you busy. But if you do plan to move in together, it becomes a problem and you need to address that. I’m not sure asking for his backing in all situations will work, especially if he doesn’t like confrontation. You’ll all end up unhappy. Personally I think you’ve got a good set up. If you’re otherwise happy, why rock the boat?

Has it occurred to you OP that some perspectives given here are from adults who have experience of being the DD in such a scenario?

I don’t think you’ve understood the OP. It was the DD who expected her dad to cancel plans with OP when she visited unannounced. OP has never demanded that he cancel plans with his DD - it’s completely the opposite. And it may not be customary for adult children to ‘make appointments’ to see their parents, but it’s courtesy to call beforeand to make sure they’re not busy. Turning up unannounced and demanding your parent change their plans is downright rude.

And in the event of them eventually marrying or living together, l sure as shit wouldn’t be vacating my own home while DD visits - they can go out to lunch or something.

You’ve got a good deal with a man who spends most of his time at your house (presumably for your convenience) and contributes financially to a household he doesn’t live in.

This is a contradiction surely ? If he spends most of his time at OP’s house then surely he should contribute as he will incur extra expense. If he didn’t MN would be advising OP that he’s a cocklodger !!

Ok, I'm a woman with a DP, both of us have older kids, been together about the same time as you two. I do not have him over when my kids are there as frankly they don't enjoy his company. We have tried, holidays etc, and it was awkward and not pleasant. Yes, it does mean I'm seriously thinking of ending the relationship as there's no real future to it

Up to that point OP hadn’t clarified the financial situation. If someone was regularly at my home I’d expect them to contribute to food/cooking/cleaning up if we were eating there. But I presumed they spent most time there because her kids are in school, so it suits her and them. As it is he gives her money to demonstrate his commitment, which I think is a little different.

Perhaps, and I do sympathise (my own children have a step mother so it's not like I've never seen the other side), but how are they going to give considered opinions as opposed to just try to bash someone for whatever they personally had experienced?
How does that help or answer my questions?
It's comparing apples and pears - I wanted to know how my thoughts about this sit with women who've been in my shoes. That's the relevant comparison that it would make sense for me to consider.

Thank you, but she's not an offspring of a blended family. She was 26 and already living away from home, with her own DP, when I entered their life. She's never had more than a passing contact with me. I don't think that's comparable with someone who had a step mother or had to live with completely new people. This is an independent adult.