I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

[SecretsAndLies77]

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

Be prepared OP to be no.1 on the list for baby-sitting duties if she decides to have kids in the near future. Suddenly the past won't matter to her.

It’s his house. You don’t live together and he’s being a good dad by respecting his daughters view as well as supporting you by getting her to say sorry

you don’t need unlimited access to his place

Thank you so much. This is incredibly helpful. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this, and your ideas are the ones I will take forward. This is exactly the conversation I need to have with him
Good luck because in all likelihood, he won't be interested. The suggestion involves talking to her like she's a naughty 12 years old. If he has any common sense, he won't do that just to make you happy.

He doesn't have to say anything at all to her but not interacting with you. It's you who seem.to have an issue with this because you are desperate for him to tell her off. He's not going to and good on him.

Either accept that he will have private time with her when you'll have to bake different arrangements or move on. She's there to stay as she she should be. You've only been in his life 4 years and not even living together. The two are not comparable.

You still haven't said how the horrible message was communicated to you...

I think that if you are honest with yourselves, it's not going to work long term. These aren't issues which are likely to change and I think will bother you more and more.
Given that it is already turbulent only four years in, I would probably call it a day.
He should have told his eldest to butt out without prompting.
I'm also wondering what you see happening in the future with the living arrangements? Four years together but not living together, and I'm just wondering if you are wasting your time OP.

She's 30, so aged 26 when her dad and the OP got together four years ago.

Ah, well this is the essence of your problem.
First, you are allowing yourself to be upset by her behaviour

Second, you have accepted the terms of the competition she has begun for his time/attention/backing

Third, you think he should choose.

There doesn't need to be a competition. Her thoughts and behaviour is irrelevant to you. You don't need his backing.
If she says something rude to you. You calmly advocate for yourself like you would in any other situation. He's not responsible for her behaviour. He doesn't need to be involved

Try telling my dad that. He hasn’t spoken to me, dh or our children in over a year because of his partner.

I think that if you don't live together you're on trickier ground. I would probably just stay away when his daughter is there, in your position.

I came out of a relationship recently where my ex's kids just used to ignore me outright when they were at their dad's house when I was there. I tried hard to get on with them but they wanted nothing to do with me from the outset.

I found it very hard, and didn't feel welcome at my ex's house when one or both were around. Truthfully, it's a massive relief that I don't have to deal with them anymore.

It sounds as though both you and your partner's daughter have dug your heels in and the situation is currently unresolvable. Maybe you are better off out of it for the time being. Take a break from the relationship for a few weeks, or longer, and see how you feel. I find that everything becomes clear with distance, time and perspective.

I did read it. I think some of her behaviour sounds annoying for sure, but some of your responses are also a bit unusual so I guess I’m more conscious that we’re viewing her through your lens. You’ve also said you’ve only met her 6 or 7 times in 4 years so it’s hard to see how you can understand the reasons for her behaviour (or indeed how it really affects you). You’ve got a good deal with a man who spends most of his time at your house (presumably for your convenience) and contributes financially to a household he doesn’t live in. But you’re upset that he also wants to maintain his relationship with his own daughter and has found the only viable solution to do so.

Posts that say ‘only engage if you share these experiences’ are highly likely to get lots of engagement!

I think that is fair. Personally, I think you should be welcome in his home when his daughter is there. However, sometimes we may need to pick our battles for the sake of the greater goal. For example, is it truly a dealbreaker? As she is older, there may come a time in the next 5-10 years where her old room naturally becomes something else. She may get married, move very far away, become very independent. I’m not saying it makes the situation ok, but the reality is some hills aren’t worth dying on. I didn’t get on with my SILs and, at the time emotions were heightened, it felt hellish. Now they’re all gone and moved on with new partners/families - and it feels silly that they held so much power then. I’m so glad I didn’t lose the love of my life over that!

none of this says she expected him to cancel plans with his dd. She expected him not to just cancel existing plans with her because his dd turned up. Totally different.

The tone of your reply seemed a little outraged to me. 🤷‍♀️

TBH she sounds a bit spoiled and entitled. She's not 5 years old ffs, she is a grown adult and needs to start behaving like one.
I do hate all this bullshit that parents must always put their children before anyone else, at all costs, regardless of how they choose to behave! Unless there's a huge back story, being In her 30s she should be mature and adult enough to accept that you are her dad's partner. She doesn't have to like you, she just needs to be civil. Life isn't fair. It never goes the way we all hoped/planned but we just need to get on with it.
How would she like it if her partner/husband wasnt welcome in her dad's house or yours for that matter?
I do feel though that maybe you should respect her time with her father by not going round unless absolutely necessary though as you're just asking for conflict if she's that immature. Why bother poking the bear??
This is (as always) a DP problem as he is the one enabling this behaviour to continue.
And before anyone jumps down my throat, yes I am part of a blended family so I do understand the dynamics of such situations.

I was referring to the Framingham Heart study data:

pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/24748689/

This is a great article that has a link to the original study and also explains some of the findings I mentioned:

’McDermott and her colleagues found that study participants were 75% more likely to become divorced if a friend is divorced and 33% more likely to end their marriage if a friend of a friend is divorced.’

www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2013/10/21/is-divorce-contagious/

Can I ask what you would like his response/ reaction to all of this to be?
Would you like him to still be inviting you for dinner on the times that she is visiting?
Why don't you like the reaction that she would leave if you were to come round- isn't that probably the best way for it?

And I can't remember if you said how often she visits, sorry, but say it's a week every 3 months. If the situation was reversed, and that's how often you saw your DP, 4 times a year, due to him being with/ available to his kids and you not being a part of his life in person for that period, would you be accepting to not having his attention during that time? I appreciate this is of her doing, as she has decided not to be around you, but just to reverse the situation.

I also don't think you can treat this the same as if you were living together, as you have decided to live apart for now, partly because you would like your own space/ time- surely this comes under that?

How happy would you be if you made plans with your partner and his DD turned up unannounced and expected him to cancel his plans with you in favour of spending time with her ? On repeat ?

because to me it seems like she does have something I want (his backing).

I don’t think you should want that. Don’t be the reason that he and his DD fall out or don’t see each other. That would be the end of the relationship if you do.

I’m not divorced, but my parents are. It took me a long time to accept my father’s wife. I didn’t like her and she’s still not my cup of tea but here we are.

You are not his wife, you are just a girlfriend in her eyes. And if she wants to go and stay with her dad and her sister without you around then fair enough. She should be able to do that, even if you were on good terms. There’s nothing worse than parents foisting their partners on their kids. She wants quality time with her family, not you and your family.

Not being able to drop in over the infrequent weekends she is visiting seems a strange hill to die on. Also, you suggesting that he should lunch with her in a restaurant and not his home makes you sound like the controlling one, not her.

If I were you, I would keep the door open as you have been but otherwise just not give her any headspace at all. She’ll either come round eventually or decisions will need to be made and discussed as and when you move in together. But for as long as none of you live with each other, it doesn’t really matter.

An adult child has no requirement to have any positive feelings about the partner her parent is with, nor any need for your paths ever to cross.

The parent is entitled, presumably knowing this, to put measures in place so that your paths do not cross.

I find this comment strange. What has how her father chooses to spend his money got to do with her? I spend a lot of money on trips, clothing, experiences etc for my DH (second marriage) and it has nothing to do with my AC. My DH has 2 adult children, and like the OP, the one accepts me, messages me, is very happy that their dad is happy. The other rarely contacts their dad unless its to complain about what they haven't got or how bad their life is and never initiates contact but complains to their sibling that they never hear from Dad!! I stay out of it as much as I can and fortunately they live abroad so don't see them much. The only thing I have said is that if the one who, for some reason doesnt like their dad being happy, keeps upsetting him with some of the messages sent then I will message them. I am the one who deals with the fallout which has happened several times in the last 5 years we have been together. He defends them but knows deep down that its a one sided relationship but cant stop trying even though he gets upset. Its ok saying "kids come first" which is true when they are young but these are grown arse adults who have their own lives and probably don't give dad a second thought most of the time. Whilst I have never asked my DH to choose between me and his one child if they continued to be rude to me and he didnt sort it then we would have a problem. As I've said, in my situation I have been honest with my DH about his eldest child and the way they treat him, how I find it distasteful and how, if it affects us ongoing then I will have to say something myself. Not sure OP where you can go with this but if he is always going to allow his daughter to be rude to you then I think you deserve better, imo.

This shows a very small minded attitude which might contribute to why your partners daughter doesn’t like you.

There is more than one perspective that needs to be considered here. The daughter might have a valid reason to dislike you or she might not, but either way she is more important in his life than you are and she deserves her Dad to stick up for her too. You seem to think it’s all about you.

The parent in this case wants OP and her kids to move in with him, to his DD’s childhood home and where she still has a room. Can’t see any measures that will work for that.

Putting your hostile tone aside, the point is that - while I may have been in his life for 4 years so far - he is expecting us to spend the rest of our life together. I would very much argue that I am the one who's here to stay, whereas she's off living her own life (as she should). The partner is the one who he'll see old age with, whereas kids go and do their own thing.
Anyway, thanks for writing and best wishes to you - we disagree on some fundamentals here.

Sent to me directly as a message.

I don't really want to live with anyone, though. My DC are only teenagers. Their dad's home has a new live-in partner and her young child. It's only in my house that my kids are completely free, relaxed and the space is 100% theirs. We don't need to change that. Maybe when they both left home for good I'd reconsider. There was a moment when I thought I did want to live with him, but it was a bad idea and passed quickly.