I should always be welcome in DP's home, regardless of who's there - AIBU?

[SecretsAndLies77]

I will try to not make this too long, but also not drip feed. Please help me distinguish reasonable actions from my own emotions because, to put it simply, everything's at stake.

Been with DP for 4 years and, on the whole, it's a very loving relationship. He's good to me and my kids, fun to be around, reliable and helpful, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together but spend much (most) of the week at each other's homes (although more mine than his), as well as every weekend and holidays.

At the same time, it's been a turbulent relationship (I know that sounds odd after what I've just said, but it can be both good and turbulent, as it's about very defined areas of problems, i.e. one problem = his adult daughters). I have a good relationship with his youngest DD (early 20s) who lives with him, but his eldest (30) who lives away doesn't want to have anything to do with me. At times she's been really rude to me and various members of my family. Most recent example is a message she sent where she was incredibly rude and disrespectful (before blocking me, so I couldn't even respond - a coward's move, IMO). My DP did reprimand her, sort of, via text and heavily prompted by me, which I hate as I don't think it's my job to stand up for this relationship and my dignity, but his. I think left to his own devices he would just always avoid all conflict. He is very scared she will cut him out of his life.

I feel I've come to the end with being able to accept that he doesn't stand up for me of his own free will, and that when he sees her he doesn't feel a shred of annoyance, resentment or anger about the awful ways she's behaved. I understand we all love our children, and I understand he's scared of losing her. I'm not even saying that he should necessarily show her that he's upset about her bad behaviour, but simply that he should feel something for me, the way she's treated me (in other words, show ME - show some kind of outrage, empathy, solidarity). If someone mistreated my DP, even if it was my kids, I'd be pretty livid. I know people are different, and I know men and women can be very different in their emotional processing. But still. How can it be true that he loves me, but that he doesn't feel anything when someone repeatedly hurts me?

The other thing is that, when she comes to stay at his, although at all other times I'm (more than) welcome in his house, there's an expectation that I won't come while she's there. Now, I get that it's her former home, she still has a room there. But, at all other times, I have complete access to his house, not just that but he's even repeatedly hosted friends of mine for long weekends (because the house is big and has spare rooms and bathrooms), but when his daughter is there, the quiet understanding is that I'm not welcome. But, just as an example, we're spending Xmas at mine this year and he of course invited her too. I knew she would say no, but that's not the point. So, she's meant to be always welcome in my house, but I'm not only not welcome at family events, but also my own partner's house when she's there? It strikes me as very unfair and unreasonable.

I've been living with this for a while, and this morning I woke up and thought, I don't know if I love him any more. This has seriously eroded my feelings for him. It's a huge shame, as four years is a lot of time together and he's amazing in many ways and I love(d) him possibly more than any other man before him, including my ex husband. But this continued unfairness and indignity has eaten away at the core of our connection.

YABU - this is a reasonable compromise in a complicated family dynamic because parents will always put their children first, even when they're nearly 30, and most women would find a way to live with this, even if it hurts them

YANBU - this is a major breach of love and loyalty towards me on his side, and if he's not prepared to let her know that his home is always open to me, I should walk away even after 4 years together.

Can I just say (if you're read this far), if you're not divorced and in a relationship with a man who's got adult kids, you won't have any kind of realistic perspective on a situation of this kind. I'm looking for some thoughtful and considered responses based in first hand experience of these kinds of dynamics - thank you (and I'll disregard any responses that are rude or unkind, as often I see "pile ons" when it comes to these kinds of questions)

Yes, my reaction is that OP would relish an increase in her boyfriend’s taste for family drama, and his avoiding conflict greatly irritates her.
A big showdown with his daughter, probably in front of her (OP), where the DD really does end up flouncing out cursing her weak father for not dumping OP instantly, would be her idea of progress, I think!

As has been observed by a good few in the thread, for OP winning seems to be the main aim, casualties be damned.

I think the issue of unfettered access to this man’s house is a very misguided hill to die on, since resolving it to OP’s satisfaction will surely mean everybody loses, including OP whose boyfriend would presumably be unable to regard her with equanimity after the carnage.

Thank you.

This 👆🏼

I appreciate your flowery writing style (it's fun!), however you're missing the point. I get it, my original post was a bit long and has much detail in. It's NOT about me dropping in announced. It's the principle of being welcome at most times / not being welcome at some other times, on the whim of a person who doesn't even live in our bloody town let alone that actual house. But never mind - thank you for the input.

OP , that’s just the way it is I’m afraid , it really is as simple as that ! .
There’s not a whole pile you can do about it .
You are kind of being very dramatic.
Your partner does love you, & due to circumstances that out of his control , it’s not viable , you & his daughter being together at the same time at his house .
This is how it is !, you either learn to accept it or don’t & leave your partner.

The daughter used to live in that house. It is her childhood home.

The OP has never lived in that house.

If anyone 'should' have more say into who is welcome at which times, I'd say it was the daughter.

It seems like you want him to show his daughter that you mean more than her and her feelings don't matter.

Good morning, I promise you there is no backstory. He was divorced way before I ever met him.

As you've mentioned your children are at school, I do wonder how old you are, OP. And also, why he's contributing to your household. It seems possible those could be factors in the daughter's dislike.

Ultimately though, your boyfriend obviously prioritises his daughter's happiness over yours – and whether that's right or wrong in this situation, it seems unlikely to change.

I find it refreshing the views here that children (yes even adult ones!) should come first. For many in my generation I think we have realised many things our parents have done that have intentionally or inadvertently fucked us up so royally and the lasting impact on ourselves, our relationships and what type of parents we too become. Perhaps I'm a snowflake but there you go ❄️

Of course it’s entirely normal to want that too. But in some cases the blended family situation means it’s unlikely make for a better life. Of course anyone can push their partner into a choice, or creating boundaries for their children. But if I did that to my partner I’d always know that I’d had to do that, and I’d know that it would hurt him and his relationship with her. Just so I could get what I wanted? Each to their own, but that’s not me.

At this point I don’t think we know if the older DD is unreasonable, the abusive texts is out of order but we’ve no context. And we don’t know how the other kids feel, other than they don’t hate OP.

It all sounds pretty sad to me OP. I think you hit the nail on the head when you mentioned that your DH used to be 1000% available for them and chose them all the time and also that she doesn't have friends. She must see her Dad as 'hers' and no-one will ever be able to take her place or come before her. She clearly doesn't understand relationships very well (the no friends thing?) and it seems she just can't accept you or your children. Perhaps she is jealous of them too?

I do feel a bit sad for her tbh - she sounds like an upset and angry young woman but at 30, she's not a child.

In an ideal world, DH would speak with her properly, tell her he loves her but that you are a constant now in his life and he loves you too. There is no competition. Does she want him to be lonely and have no partner as he gets older? If he is unable to do this and she is unable to accept this then I'm afraid that your relationship doesn't have anywhere to go. You will never accept the situation and it will always upset you - so you have a difficult decision to make I think.

And you appear to be one of those people who bring their own hate to internet forums where something is being discussed in good will.

"I would be throwing them out" - such an unnecessary flexing of some imaginary power.

All best wishes to you.

What if the daughter is specifically asking her father when you won't be there so she can come? I.e. she acknowledges you just don't get on, you don't want to see her, she doesn't want any drama, so she's just scheduling her visits when you're at your own house. Would that change your view?

My issue isn't with him spending time with her alone nor do I feel I have to be with him every second of every day. It's just this very specific feeling - that's the only way I can explain it, a feeling - that at all other times I'm welcome at his house, but not when she's there. But then the next day I'm meant to just go back to normal life and accept that now I'm welcome there again and let's all eat at his house....I feel like, my feelings / sense of dignity / place in his life shouldn't be on some kind of switch so now it's off, now it's on again.

While I think it's down to the homeowner to say he does or doesn't come into their house when they choose - I think it's the issue that has just highlighted that he's not demanding his eldest have basic courtesy towards you.

She doesn't have to like you but there a level of basic politeness you'd expect from an adult - that she failed to provide and your DP when that's become obvious failed to demand. You feel you are always the one made to compromise becuase he's so worried about bringing things up with her.

TBH if you'be brought up the lack of basic respect to you and he's not addressed it - he likely won't change. Not surprised that erode your affection and respect for him to point you are wondering if you even like him.

My goodness, you read as incredibly petulant and unlikeable.

Unless you’ve got children together, I can’t see a reason why he would need to be contributing financially to your household. Perhaps the daughter has clocked on to some gold digger vibes, and is not shy in letting you know how she feels about that.

You might do that if all everything else is fine and dandy - but it's not so you don't do it!

No point throwing your toys out the pram, just live and let live...without pissing all over your relationship and moreover your DP's relationship with his DD.

I understand your problem, you feel he is putting her happiness above yours and it is letting her know she is more important. In a lot od waya she is even though she is an adult just like you dont want to move because it doesnt suit your kids school.
The main problem is, she sees it as her house as jt is her childhood home. I still see my bedroom as my bedroom at my parents house. It is silly I know.
If he bought a different house (not for-/with you) I think the dynamic might be different. I would also be annoyed my dad was giving money to another womans children whether it was my business or not.

He's not going to change. Why should he? It's his house. You have your house. She sounds like a nightmare that I wouldn't want to get to know, anyway. Don't involve her in your life. Don't expect him to stand up to her, it's gone on for too long. Why split up over a "child" who seems to have her own problems and who is not in your life? This is her problem, why make it yours?

God you do sound like hard work OP. Sure, these are your feelings but it’s not a ‘principle’ any more than it’s a principle that she doesn’t want see someone she dislikes when she’s visiting her one and only father.

She has feelings, you have feelings, he has feelings. None are more important than anyone else’s and ultimately the DP is the one who has to do the tapestry work where they overlap. He has done, and you don’t like what he’s done. Fine.

If you keep making it into something bigger, you’ll destroy the relationship.

To be fair I think your statement that you had ‘24/7 access’ because you have a key sounded very much like a flex.

The daughter sounds hard work, I cant imagine holding a grudge and actively making my Dad's life hard.

But...something happened in those early days. Your involvement with her Dad altered their relationship and not for the better. She couldn't just turn up and see him and have his undivided attention because you put a stop to it.
I'm not saying she is right to expect his undivided attention whenever she feels like it for the rest of her life, but the reason she hasn't got it is you.

I'd be wondering exactly how those conversations went in the early days. Did he tell her she can't just show up and expect him to drop everything because you said so? Probably, sounds a little spineless so he blamed you. Easier in the moment than admitting to her that he wanted to spend time with you doing whatever you'd planned together.

Honestly, if my Dad was in a new relationship and I was used to just being able to turn up to his house whenever I fancied it and having a beer with him, chatting on the phone etc, and the new gf decided that wasn't acceptable I'd probably be pissed off too.

Been with DP for 4 years...good to me and my kids, contributes financially to my household. We don't live together

If a woman started a thread saying she financially contributes to the household of a man she doesn't even live with, you can guess how the replies would go!

@Cherry8809 probably OPs response will again be a disingenuous 'I don't understand what you mean'. Or that the 'financial contributions' are nobody's else's business except her DH and her.

It isn't very difficult to understand that an adult DC would have concerns that their DF might be taken advantage and not like it. The DD sounds quite mature really in that whilst not liking OP (for whatever reason) she accepts the situation enough to limit her visits to her DF and only asks that the OP isn't there when she does.

The main problem is, she sees it as her house as jt is her childhood home. I still see my bedroom as my bedroom at my parents house. It is silly I know.
If he bought a different house (not for-/with you) I think the dynamic might be different.

I agree - it could well be making things worse.

My siblings who didn't move out of the area can be like that - last stop for care I did they were sweeping in and out and taking and leaving stuff without a by your leave to her as they grew up in house they still see it as theirs. She moaned to me but it was her places to tell them not mine. She did after Dad death have to tell one sibling it was her house and she was only one living in it so it was none of his bussiness who she invited in.

I suspect as we've moved kids rooms round so smallest room is with one at uni - we'd get slightly less of this but it's certainly a reason to move when they do get to full independence - think about what we'll need in a house as we age. Both actions I've seen greated with horror by some posters on here.