He was very touchy-feely on date BUT I didn't object and kissed him back.

[NickyC1975]

I was on a 1st date with a very attractive, confident, cheeky man (we're both 50s) and he was very touchy with his moves eg. stroking my knees/legs, holding my hands, kissing my shoulder and lips and even my chest a couple times. I never kissed on a 1st date before but I let him do all this with very little complaint but part of me was just being polite as I did feel uncomfortable about it afterwards and so ended it next day. He sent a voice-clip apologizing and sounded very sincere, took full responsibility and understood and offered to sit on his hands if we meet again. He said he was unexpectantly overwhelmed at how attracted he was to me, esp my soft skin. I did enjoy kissing/hand holding etc but still I felt it was a lot.

I NEVER stopped him and in fact I touched him BACK and NEVER even flinched so it would be very easy for him to assume I was OK with it. But I did feel uncomfortable as I'm a slow-burn. He was a very nice guy though and said he respected my boundaries and would not go too far and was really looking forward to seeing me again and I was planning to see him again until I had a change of heart next day.

Am I being unreasonable for ending it and not just communicating better? He's not a mind reader but part of me feels he should have read my cues better even though I do realise it was confusing cos I never stopped him or even said NOI!

“He said he was unexpectantly overwhelmed at how attracted he was to me, esp my soft skin.”

That comment alone on a first date would give me the ick. Too much.

EUW

He said he was unexpectedly overwhelmed at how attracted he was to me, esp my soft skin.
Crock of shit!! What a chancer!
Someone who over steps boundaries like this is not someone I would trust or see again regardless of AT TIMES you enjoyed it.
FFS he kissed your chest, kept touching you, then tried to excuse his extremely creepy behaviour - you didn't/don't know him.
Of course he has blocked and deleted he's a creep and a chancer. Vile.

Did he choose THAT bar and THAT room by any chance?

If you are going to date you need to get much better at communicating your boundaries. The next person might be worse. It’s not about politeness- there is nothing impolite about making decisions over your own body.

I would just leave things with this guy. Yes he’s not a mind-reader but his explanation was pretty creepy- being overwhelmed by your beauty is not a free pass to do what he wants. I’d have had more sympathy if he’d just said that he thought you were enjoying it.

I also think some posters here could do with reading about the "fawn response".

It's hard. I don't disagree with this comment.

We have an uncomfortable situation in society where women are raised not to say no (be kind) and to acquiesce to keep others (often men) happy. And to expect men to just read unconscious signals.

Except that they are not taught to read these unconscious signals and expect women to put a stop to something if they don't like it. But also not to put a stop to something because they want it and assume the woman wants it too if she doesn't resist.

I think women are far more highly attuned to other people's discomfort than men are. Not because of natural law but because of socialisation. So a woman would notice a slight resistance, a hesitation, a micro tension a man wouldn't even know that he should be looking for because he's never been taught to.

Enthusiastic consent is talked about a lot but a lot of men would read reciprocating as that whilst a woman might feel she is just be being polite.

OP, don't beat yourself up about this. If you don't feel comfortable seeing him again, then don't. Lots of people (of both sexes) would be up for sexualised behaviours on a first date and very many wouldn't. Take this as an opportunity to reflect on how you could communicate discomfort earlier on or know what your own boundaries are so that you can communicate them more confidently earlier on.

Yep. This is creepy and/or the start of love bombing - "I'm not usually like this, it took me by suprise, you're so different and special". Agree with others that not objecting in the moment can be a fawning response too (highly recommend this book if you're not familiar with how that shows up in life https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fawning-Need-Please-Makes-Ourselves/dp/1785123068).

You can end it for any reason you want. Feeling uncomfortable after date one is a very good reason.

Oh dear lord that made me cringe just reading it! How on earth did you not slap his grimy paws off you OP!! A man in his 50s groping and slobbering all over you on a first date?? 🤢🤮

But he was 'full-on'. Too full-on, so he didn't get what he wanted, but it sounded, to me, strategic.

If you think this is a load of 'mumbo-jumbo', you really are at risk. This man was testing boundaries. @ThorsRaven's advice is sound.

Just to add, OP, that you decide what your boundaries are. A few people have said he was overstepping boundaries. Boundaries are not universal and they're not necessarily transferable either!

Eg you might he someone who generally doesn't kiss on a first date. That doesn't mean you can't meet someone and decide you do want to kiss them on the first date. But don't just let it happen because you are being polite.

Someone can't really ignore your personal boundaries if they don't know what they are.

I agree with others though, his comments afterwards are actually more concerning than the behaviour itself to me.

Yes, this. OP, you shouldn’t be dating if you are incapable of maintaining your own bodily boundaries and sat through an entire date allowing yourself to be kissed and touched in a way that made you uncomfortable just to be ‘polite’. That’s what you should take away from this encounter.

Yep this leapt out at me too. Like he's excusing himself for having some kind of momentary lapse of self control. As soon as he touches a woman's skin he's compelled to paw at her endlessly regardless of her opinion on the subject. Like 'oh yeah whoops I raped you because you're so attractive I couldn't stop myself.' Victim blaming fuckery.

Perhaps you were uncomfortable
but you felt like you had to go along with it
it's hard to know what to do in these situations at the time
but it is clear you did not want it or like it
It was HIM not you
This man was over-friendly, handsy and sexually suggestive, gropy

He has crossed your physical/personal boundaries touched you in a sexual manner persistently

You should not feel guilty at all and it's no wonder you were uncomfortable.
Do not blame yourself
Ditch this person, Do not contact them ever again.

He sounds incredibly sleazy
he likely wanted sex too

Is she also a slimy creep then? She kissed and touched him, or does that only apply to men?
If you don't like him, don't see him again. You are totally within your rights to say it doesn't work for you. You do need to work on your communication/confidence though. It was okay this time but I'd hate to think of you getting hurt because you were too polite to say no.

It is not your fault the man was a sleazy creep
you did not ask for it

but would be good idea to work on your boundaries and repeatedly practice being assertive if/in these situations/and what you will do to protect yourself.

Sometimes when the time comes it is difficult but you will not stand for it or allow person to do that to you.

I think it's fine to finish it. He doesn't sound like he is ideal for you anyway.
But - you really need to work on your own boundaries and behaviour.
It's not fair on a guy to reciprocate physically because you're too embarrassed to say no. And it's totally unacceptable to do that to yourself. You're worth more than that.

This

It certainly applies to this man. He instigated the touching, said he couldn’t help himself because of how unexpectedly attracted he was to OP 🤮 and went too far.
Sounds like OP was taken by surprise, and not sure how to react. Politeness stopped her reacting properly.

She regretted her actions; he defended his.

No idea how you get she’s also a slimy creep from that.

YABU for this: "part of me feels he should have read my cues better even though I do realise it was confusing cos I never stopped him or even said NOI!" because from other parts of your message, it sounds like you were an active participant - what was he supposed to think?

However YANBU if you don't want to see him again, I wouldn't either. He didn't make you feel comfortable and that's all you need to know.

Sounds like he was really full on, and he clearly either didn't notice that you weren't as enthusiastic or that you hadn't been the one to initiate any of it.
I think now you're home and recognise that he actually made you feel quite uncomfortable.
You're absolutely right to not take it any further with Pépé le pew.

Listen, don’t feel bad, no decent man would have done this, we’ve all seen sleezy guys behave inappropriately, you may not have said no but he shouldn’t have even thought it was ok to do this, dump and block and move on, if you are on a date and someone goes to far again practise what you will say before you go. X

I feel a bit uncomfortable with everyone saying you should have said if you didn't like it. Maybe you should or could have but its not that uncommon for women to go along with stuff due to social conditioning or freeze response whilst feeling uncomfortable.

I think someone shouldn't go around kissing someone's neck and shoulders and touching their knee when they've only just met, and not check first or read the signals, and just think 'oh they'll tell me if they don't like it'. I thought it was all about 'reading the mood' and 'enthusiastic consent' now...not go for it and rely on someone else to tell you when you've gone too far

Because according to you touching and kissing which she responded to is slimy. Yes he might have instigated it but no-one was forced to kiss or touch back. The comment was just him being stupid, I think.
Personally I don't think someone kissing or touching makes you a creep, unless the other person says no. The comment? Well maybe.
Anyway as I said to the OP she doesn't need a reason to stop seeing him if that's what she wants to do.