I could really appreciate an outside perspective on an exchange I had with my SIL, because I genuinely can’t work out whether I’m being unreasonable or whether she crossed a line.
We’ve known each other for seven years and I have never really called her out on anything before. She can be quite bitchy, argumentative and judgemental, so normally I let things go, but this one didn’t sit right with me. For years she’s been like this with comments, she’s 26, works in a gym and has had no real education and has no respect for anyone besides her husband and 19 month old, oh and her parents. Not her in-laws. I am 37, married and work in corporate and grateful for my role.
I went to visit my family yesterday and I tend to travel around on foot (I am London based, learning to drive). She essentially interrogated me on text about when I was going to pass my driving.
THEN..
She sent me a voice note yesterday randomly saying “I wanted to ask you, those Bad Bunny tickets weren’t cheap. My cousin told me how much you paid. That isn’t saving.” She also sent a load of shocked/laughing emojis and seemed genuinely surprised that I had spent £120 on the ticket.
My immediate reaction was basically, wait, did she actually just say that? I questioned why what I had spent was even being discussed between her and my cousin. Her response was, “I didn’t know it was a secret.” That completely missed my point. It wasn’t a secret as the ticket prices are online. What bothered me was that my spending had apparently been discussed and then she had taken that information and made the judgement, “That isn’t saving.”
I told her I would appreciate it if my finances weren’t discussed or commented on because ultimately they’re personal and don’t really have anything to do with her.
She replied: “I commented as a caring joke to you. Not to anyone else because I know you want to move. You do you. If you took offence to what I said, I’ll be careful in what we speak about in future.”
I then sent her a voice note because I genuinely didn’t want it to become an argument or create unnecessary drama. I explained that I wasn’t offended. I was simply saying that the comment didn’t make sense to me because she doesn’t actually know my financial situation. She doesn’t know my salary, what I save each month, what my husband and I save together or how we manage our money.
I also said that I respect her enough not to question what she earns, how much she saves, what she spends her money on or how she and her partner manage their finances, and I’d just like the same respect back.
I also mentioned that maybe part of it is where I am in life now. I am 36, married, work in a corporate environment and I have just become a lot more private about certain things as I have got older, especially finances. I work hard, I save, but I also enjoy my money when I choose to.
I wasn’t saying that being 36 somehow makes me superior to her because she’s 27. I was trying to explain that I am settled in what I consider a personal boundary. She’s private about certain areas of her own life too, which I’ve always respected. Her response was: “Don’t use the age line with me.” She then started saying things like: “I didn’t say that. I didn’t question how much you earn. I didn’t question this or that.” She seemed to reframe her original comment as though all she had jokingly said was, “Bitch, you should be saving.”
But that wasn’t really what I was responding to. Her original comment was specifically that she’d heard how much I’d spent on the tickets and that “that isn’t saving.” Throughout the conversation she also kept coming back to the idea that I was offended. She repeatedly said, “I didn’t mean to offend you,” and later, “You’re clearly offended.” That’s probably the part that has confused me most, because I don’t personally see being offended and setting a boundary as the same thing.
From my perspective, I wasn’t saying, “How dare you say that to me?” I was saying, “That assumption isn’t correct because you don’t know my finances, and I’d rather you didn’t comment on them.”
She also started explaining that what she’d said came from a place of caring and brought up personal things I’d previously confided in her about, including the stress of living with in-laws (me and husband are gearing towards a move) and difficulties I’ve had with my living situation.
That made me uncomfortable because I couldn’t really understand what those things had to do with whether spending £120 on a concert ticket means I am or am not saving money. Her face has changed a lot since I met her, and I know it’s all fillers and hair injections, but I don’t care! That is where her money goes, you do you 😂
I’m genuinely curious how this comes across to someone completely outside the situation. Was I reasonable to say I didn’t want comments made about my finances? And does correcting somebody or setting a boundary automatically mean you were “offended”?
She is unreal in the worse way. She also threw a dig to the fact she has a child sleeping and needed to sleep, they will be waking up in the night. Fully knowing me and my husband are childless (I don’t let in how much me and my husband wish to be parents). But I hope I offended her because she needs to be bought back down. I am constantly polite to her and she’s so lucky to have ME as a SIL.