To cancel going to friends wedding

[Watdidusay]

We have a close friends wedding to attend in 6 weeks. It's been booked about 6 months in advance. We've prepaid for travel, hotels, childminding and bought traditional clothing for the event. I'm in the wedding party.

Just received an invite to my SILs wedding today (DHs sister) for the same date. In 6 weeks time.
Different part of the country.

Family are all saying we have to cancel the other wedding. We are going to be out hundreds of £.

AIBU to go to family wedding instead just to make my life easier? Everyone is angry at me for even considering not going to DHs sisters wedding. I feel terrible.

You are heavily involved in your friends wedding - your SIL is being unreasonable expecting you to be at hers giving you only 6 weeks notice. Go to your friends wedding and your DH can go to his sisters.

Is your friend's opinion of you not far more important than your SIL's opinion?

If a close friend in my bridal party got a better offer last minute, that would be the end of the friendship. This twat SIL doesn't sound worth sacrificing a friendship over.

Good etiquette is to stick to your first promise. Going to a wedding out of fear is a terrible idea.

Of course you go to your friend's wedding! DH can go to SILs.

This - obvious you need to go to your friends wedding and him to his ridiculous sister 🙄

"I will not let someone down who is relying on me just so that you dont have to deal with your sister and parents having a tantrum. I am going to Friends wedding, you can do what you like".

Fin

I sincerely hope you’ve told him no, and to stop asking you. If he hasn’t got the ability to stand up to his parents then he needs to tell them that you have declined and he cannot physically manhandle you into SiLs wedding.

They are never going to be happy with you or treat you like you are the perfect DiL. There will always be something that you could have done differently. Even if you gave in now, they’d probably spend the next decade sniping about how you didn’t immediately cancel your plans and they had to insist. Put your foot down here and show them that you are your own person, you make your own decisions and you are not going to cater to SiL’s every whim just because they’ve chosen to.

Tell your PILs that they might be angry with you but that is entirely their burden to bear. You won’t be carrying any guilt. You had already committed to be in the wedding party of a friend and you will not dishonour yourself or the family name by going back on your word. It would be a terrible reflection on their whole family to not be people of their word.

DH is just going to have to suck it up and remain firm against his family. It’s not for your to take on the guilt for this

Tough one but wedding party you cant pull out at this stage. What's the rush with SIL?? 6 weeks is no notice for a wedding

Friend's wedding obviously.

SiL clearly doesn't actually want you at her wedding or she'd gave checked the date with you beforehand.

If I was the friend in this scenario, and you even hinted that you were considering dropping out of my wedding in these circumstances, the friendship would end immediately. I'd also send you the bill for any costs I'd incurred for inviting you (eg if the meal had already been prepaid).

OP, your SIL is hugely out of order, and your PIL are enabling her. Ask MIL how she would feel, letting down a close friend (I assume she is close if you are a member of the bridal party) when she’d already accepted an invitation and made all the arrangements? It’s very unfortunate that your SIL has chosen the same day, but you are UNABLE to go because you have a prior engagement. What your DH chooses to do is up to him, but he can’t expect you to bake in your friend just because his sister is so disorganised - family weddings normally involve much discussion and a fair bit of notice.

You have a husband problem, not an in laws problem then.

I hate family trumps everything shit.

Both you AND DH should attend friends wedding as planned.

If you really want someone at your wedding you check the date with them first.

They are acting entitled.

Ain't it always the way?

Exactly. Emotional manipulation. He's no better than his shitty family.

Well the fact that he asked you 'a few times' means you obviously haven't agreed to it, if his family are angry at you for not cancelling on your friend then they are not very nice people, and I absolutely wouldn't give an inch.

DH can go if he wants. I would not let me friend down. His family will get over it, and if they don't you can enjoy the peace and quiet.

Go to your friends wedding. Your in-laws come across as entitled and controlling. Best off drawing boundary lines now.
DH can go to his sisters wedding.

Absolutely this. He should not be putting pressure on you to let a close friend down because his sister is selfish and has given inadequate notice for her own wedding. He needs to learn to stand up to his own parents like a grown up.

Definitely friend's wedding calls trumps

You're in the wedding party for your friend. They told you in plenty of time so you could make arrangements. Your sister in law must surely have been planning this for a while, and should therefore have mentioned it to you. If it's a last minute plan, she must expect some people not to be able to make it.

Worst case scenario is DP goes to the other wedding, you go to your friend's.

OP ehen I read your OP, I did wonder if you had married a wazzock and lo and behold, you did!

This is when 'First Commitment' is a God send.

A note to SIL and PIL's along the lines of

"I am really sad to miss SIL wedding - thank you for the invite.

I have always understood and practiced the idea of first commitment. That means that if I agree to do something, I will be there - even if a better or more exciting offer comes along! Over the years, I have stuck by this rule and it has served me well. People know that my word is good and it stops difficult situations like this escalating.

I have committed to being at my good friend's wedding which has been in my calendar for 6 months. I have spent money and made plans around it. I do understand that SIL's wedding feels more important to you and in truth, the clash of dates is really disheartening, but for the reason's I've explained, I won't be able to attend. As a compromise DH and I have decided to split up for the day and he will be at his sister's wedding representing us both.

Hopefully, we will be able to do something lovely - a dinner perhaps - to celebrate some time soon.

Best wishes
OP"

I'd go to my friend's wedding without any question. It would be friendship ending imo to pull out, ignoring all the lost money.

I wouldn't feel bad either. SiL was very foolish not to check the date with close family if it was that important to her for you to be there. If it's only been announced now is it even a big event?

I'd let DH make his own decision given it's his sister.

I would cut your husband out of the conversation. He is obviously the peacekeeper in the family and is trying to soften it with the "I'll have a word" type stuff. And it will never end.

Just phone your Mother in Law, tell her you appreciate she would prefer to have the whole family there but you are part of the friend's wedding party and there's no way you'd let her down at such short notice.

She'll bang on a bit. Just listen politely and regretfully repeat versions of the above. The conversation will terminate either with her being icily disappointed or she'll slam the phone down. Either way, the matter is closed. Her feelings are her problem. Hopefully excitement over the wedding will mean it's quickly forgotten.

And they're going to continue to make you feel like a horrible person even if you go to SIL's damned wedding, because you suggested not going. So, you're going to be hanged anyway - do you want it to be for a sheep or a lamb? I would go to your friend's wedding, she deserves your presence.

"They do as its family which trumps everything unconditionally yes. To be honest this is normal for SIL and parents in law go along with it as they are scared she'll cut them off entirely. It has been this way forever."
Your husband can go to his sister's, tug his forelock to his parents and continue being the family scapegoat to his sister's Golden Child. Or, maybe it's time to change the family dynamic, and tell his parents tough shit, busy that day. What are they going to do? Be even nastier to you than they already are? Cut you off (now there would be a blessing!)?

Give it some thought. But go to your friend's wedding. Your in-laws are arseholes, and that's not the type of people I want to hang out with.

Think about it OP. Your DH would rather you lose a good friend and negatively impact her wedding than that he would have to deal with his family being upset. He's prepared to throw you under the bus. He's prepared to cost you a very good and close friendship for his comfort. This isn't good.