To cancel going to friends wedding

[Watdidusay]

We have a close friends wedding to attend in 6 weeks. It's been booked about 6 months in advance. We've prepaid for travel, hotels, childminding and bought traditional clothing for the event. I'm in the wedding party.

Just received an invite to my SILs wedding today (DHs sister) for the same date. In 6 weeks time.
Different part of the country.

Family are all saying we have to cancel the other wedding. We are going to be out hundreds of £.

AIBU to go to family wedding instead just to make my life easier? Everyone is angry at me for even considering not going to DHs sisters wedding. I feel terrible.

That is their problem though, not yours.

Your answer is simple "I have already committed to friend's wedding. If it is so important to SiL that dh and I attend her wedding, then she should have checked if we were free on the date they were thinking of before booking anything. Our commitment has been in our diary for well over a year. I am sorry to miss SiL's wedding but there isn't anything we can do".

The friend takes priority. Obviously.

Your PIl can say what they want. You have plans for that date. It's a shame your SIL doesn't plan better.

6 weeks notice for a wedding?!

Are you so bloody feeble that you can’t tell them to jog on! Find your backbone for fucks sake!

Let the family be angry, the self-centered sods. You don't let down your friend 6 weeks before their wedding when you're important enough to them to be in the wedding party. I could understand your DH dropping out and going to his sisters wedding solo but you absolutely shouldn't do that to your friend.

Most of the time you get a lot more than 6 weeks from invitation. Is there some reason, like extreme illness? Pregnancy (some people want to be married asap, though personally I'd wait, but we're all different)? Redeployment?
If so, I'd go, but if they have just decided on a whim, then you're already committed and it's unlikely you can physically attend both.

@Watdidusay

Yep you should go to your friend's wedding. You've already committed to going and shelled out a shed load of money; you can't pull out at this late stage. If SIL wants you at her wedding tell her to change the date.

And you won't make your life "easier" by kowtowing to entitled PILs. Things like this will just keep happening, so you may as well have the fallout now and let them see you are not going to be a pushover.

What does DH think?

I have read all OP’s replies and she’s been quite silent on acknowledging this perspective of how bad it would be to do this to her friend.

So I have a feeling Op IS going to go to her SIL wedding.

Once again it’s absolutely shocking what women will do to friends in the interests of their man. I know SIL is a woman but really OP is connected to her because of a man who I suspect won’t be happy if she goes to her friends event because he’ll get grief from parents. And that’s what this is about.

OP - it’s up to you, but just prepare to lose the friendship if that’s what you choose to do. “Family over everything” as I’ve said is a mindless mantra and doesn’t apply to every single situation.

Personally I hate it when people use family they barely know or like as an excuse to be a dickhead to their friends who are the people they actually chose to be in their life.

Well then your husband needs to clearly tell them to be unangry.

So they’re going to make you feel horrible whatever you do. If you’re not feeling horrible about this, it’ll be something else they make you feel horrible about.

I would speak to DH, tell him that you would love him to come with you, but you completely understand if he feels that he can’t miss his sister’s wedding. You won’t be attending but you won’t have a row with him if he can’t, providing he makes his decision now so that the B&G have enough time to make other plans. And once he’s decided, that decision is set in stone. There’s no chopping and changing.

Then speak to in laws and tell them that they might be angry with you, but there is nothing you can do about it. You wish SiL a wonderful day but you are in someone’s wedding party and you will not be losing that friendship because you’ve dropped out. Tell them that SiL is not an idiot and will understand that if someone only gives 6 weeks notice then not everyone will be able to attend. Tell them that you’ve made your decision, there’s nothing else to be discussed and you’re not prepared to keep going over old ground.

I wouldn't let a friend down on her wedding day because some unreasonable people wanted me to, no. So what if the unreasonable people get angry? I would see that as a price worth paying in order to do the right thing by my friend.

But to be honest, I would probably just ignore the ranting and I certainly wouldn't take it to heart.

I would go to the friend’s wedding. Let your husband go to what he wants (which I assume would be the sister’s wedding) especially as SIL is many years and 4 children down the road and you’re in the wedding party.

If DH’s family is annoyed you won’t be there then I would keep reiterating the friend’s wedding came first and you’re in the wedding party. I wouldn’t feel guilty as they are being unreasonable and you’d be doing the right thing honouring a commitment. Just make sure if your husband goes to his sister’s wedding he defends any nasty remarks from his family about why you’re not there.

You have made prior plans to go to your friends wedding and I can’t believe how entitled your in laws are expecting you to ditch your friend at the last minute. They are your husband’s family so he can deal with their tantrums that they can’t bully you into complying to their wishes. You tell husband his family have made you feel like shit but you had made plans for that day prior to his sisters last minute wedding plans.

Honestly DH is stressed about it and has asked a few times if I'd consider going to SIL wedding

Friends

You’re in the wedding party.

I’m in the divide and conquer team. You go to your friends wedding (guilt free) and dh goes to family wedding.

That's really unfair of him. He wants you to do something horrible to your friend to placate his parents, just so he can feel more comfortable and not have to deal with them. He's worried about his own comfort, not yours.

Tell your DH he can go to the wedding alone. How would he like it if ir was one of his friends? Does he know you will lose this friendship and possibly more if you back out.

Explain to your in-laws that you are sad to miss SIL's wedding but you are already in your close friend's wedding party that day so can't attend. If they're still angry after that explanation, they are being unreasonable.

That would be getting on my nerves. Tell him to stop being a wet lettuce.

This. Cheeky buggers on your DH family side. You've made a commitment and you should stick to it.

It’s not on that he is trying to get you to go to his SILs wedding. Tell him you won’t make him feel guilty about not going to your friend’s wedding (that you committed to first and spent a lot of money on) if vice versa. That you will respect and defend his decision if he does the same.

I would calmy explain to dh that you BOTH accepted the invitation to your friend's wedding a long time ago.
That you have sympathy with him feeling pressured to go to his sister's wedding, and that is up to him, but it simply isn't happening that you would let your friend down, so he needs to stop asking.

Why don’t they all be angry at SIL who was extremely silly and planned a wedding with no notice when she’s been engaged for 3 years and has 4 kids….

You must go to your friends wedding. SIL will get over it. I’m not sure your friend would. And presumably you’re much closer to your friend and they matter more. SIL doesn’t care or she would have checked.