To cancel going to friends wedding

[Watdidusay]

We have a close friends wedding to attend in 6 weeks. It's been booked about 6 months in advance. We've prepaid for travel, hotels, childminding and bought traditional clothing for the event. I'm in the wedding party.

Just received an invite to my SILs wedding today (DHs sister) for the same date. In 6 weeks time.
Different part of the country.

Family are all saying we have to cancel the other wedding. We are going to be out hundreds of £.

AIBU to go to family wedding instead just to make my life easier? Everyone is angry at me for even considering not going to DHs sisters wedding. I feel terrible.

Just keep parroting that you already made a commitment.

Sorry if someone has already said this, but if it is THAT important that you & your DH attend then suggest THEY change the date - you will then soon find out a) how much they really want you there and b) how prepared & willing they are to make changes that you think are obvious 'BUT how could you not change your wedding date so that WE can attend'?!

Yes, why so aggressive.

Your SIL finds inviting a sibling and his wife to her wedding so stressful that she springs it on you with just weeks to go... and everyone has hysterics because you are already booked and are not available...

but no, in order to make SILs life less stressful you should drop all your commitments, regardless of expense, loyalty or personal inclination and obey the Matriarch. Then everyone in DH's family will be happy.

Well they will still complain that you didn't jump earlier and they will blame you and continue to give you the cold shoulder, not DH. In fact they will be extra vigilant now because they will think you are a bad influence on DH. Fancy his wife encouraging him to stick to a commitment when his Mum wants him to do something else. Outrageous!

Everyone will be happy except you, because you will be wondering what area of your life will they take control of next and how hard a resistance your DH will put up and whether it will be more determined than "Sorry Mum, my wife won't let me"

SIL is creating her own stress, her own drama and your MIL is riding the wave. They won't admit it, but they are enjoying the soap opera they've written.

Boo Double Hoo.
Edited to add. The Boo was directed at SIL getting stressed.

Completely this. 100% agree.

Horribly awful and stressful for you, but you absolutely cannot let down your friend at this late stage. Someone should be asking your MIL and SIL how they would be feeling in the other brides position.

Which bit was aggressive?

So MIL and FIL have laid it on thick, as expected. But what does SIL actually think? Have either of you managed to speak to her at any point since you received the invitation?

Watdidusay

DH did argue that SIL never asked us to save the date and response was essentially "you know she finds this stuff stressful"

Which is tantamount to admitting she should have informed you of the date sooner. It's a SIL error, which you are being expected to solve, despite the completely unreasonable solution they have in mind.

Actions and consequences. Stand strong.

Perhaps you could ask your in-laws to make good the costs that your friend has incurred for your husband to attend her wedding?

If it had been my DH he would probably have told them not to guilt trip him into going and that he had already made a promise to attend a previous commitment

the bottom line is this, you cannot just drop an event six weeks in advance int he diary and expect everyone to just drop existing committments to turn up. You check with the most important people first and/or let them know the date so far in advance that they wont have any excuse not to turn up.

You have a weekend away booked long in advance.
If you had been out of the country, you wouldn’t have been able to go.

Though I would have expected DH to go to be honest.

SIL sending the flying monkeys to guilt trip your husband. She hadn't the courtesy to give you plenty of notice, as your friend did. Neither has she the balls to contact you both and explain her reasoning. She is not doubt winding up your in laws and saying how awful you both are. Have they explained why you both as family were given only 6 weeks notice and do they think that is acceptable?
In this case friends who have respected you both and been considerate, before family.

In this case I think it would definitely be unreasonable to cancel your friends wedding. You or DH are clearly not that close to his sister before she didn't mention anything until 6 weeks before!

You can't go to SIL wedding because you already have a prior engagement. What your DH does is his own affair in this case.

If the family had truly cared, they'd have asked people if they can make that weekend. Dates wise it suggests Halloween or Half Term. Assuming people will be free is foolish. I've been double/triple booked for ages and I'm sure other requests will follow. I'm of course doing what I agreed to months ago over everything else.

Ah, I have a phone-sobbing MiL too. DH normally tells her to pull herself together and hangs up. It's pathetic.

It’s the behaviour of a toddler isn’t it, so many adults don’t seem to know how to control their emotions (or it’s just a manipulation tool). Good your DH deals with it effectively!

I wouldn’t pick up any phone calls from them due to the blatant manipulation and explain after wedding that you both find it too stressful to deal with their histrionics. You had made plans months ago and told his sister that you had a prior engagement. If they don’t like it it’s up to them to deal with their emotions and not expect you to cave in under tremendous manipulation. They can’t force you to go against your will but they can try and you need distance until they learn they don’t get complete control over you.

I also came on to use the flying monkeys analogy
She's a big girl, surely she can have these conversations herself?

Bonkers my sil booked her wedding for the day we were due back off holiday. Mil got her pants in a twist that we were not going to come home early. But it really that simple if you have people who just must must be there check the dates first.

Fortunately Covid cancelled both.

And?

Not your problem to follow.

They weren't organised. You are committed and are unable to break that commitment.

Her inability to manage stress and being organised is not your problem to fix. Emotional blackmail remains emotional blackmail, and I would be spelling out that the emotional blackmail was unacceptable in these circumstances.

They either need to suck it up or change their plans.

You would not have committed if they had got their arses in gear and now are in an impossible situation because they didn't get their arses in gear.

It's is not about prioritising someone else. It's about not being a cunt to an innocent third party because they were utterly feckless and thought they could bully you into submission.

I agree - I think your DH should text to state that the discussion is closed. He and you are unable to attend due to the short notice, prior commitment and considerable financial loss that would be suffered by both yourselves and the friends for cancelled travel arrangement etc. It is a shame you cannot be there, and you wish them all a fab day, but there is nothing you can do about it at this late stage. Further, you will not be taking any more calls if they persist on this matter and may have no choice but to temporarily mute/block their messages.

Just like toddler tantrums you acknowledge their big feelings but you don’t cave in. Obviously with adults it’s different but I would have a sentence that you repeat like a broken record ‘I’m sorry you feel angry/upset that I’m not going to in laws wedding but we had already accepted to go to another.l months in advance.’

I think the only answer is that you go to the friends, and your DH goes to his sisters. Stupid to announce a wedding only 6 weeks out though!

Wow that’s so manipulative of them! I do think because it’s so close to the date that she may get many declines. This might mean that she’ll move the date in the end so I’d hold on.

Sobbing?🤔