To cancel going to friends wedding

[Watdidusay]

We have a close friends wedding to attend in 6 weeks. It's been booked about 6 months in advance. We've prepaid for travel, hotels, childminding and bought traditional clothing for the event. I'm in the wedding party.

Just received an invite to my SILs wedding today (DHs sister) for the same date. In 6 weeks time.
Different part of the country.

Family are all saying we have to cancel the other wedding. We are going to be out hundreds of £.

AIBU to go to family wedding instead just to make my life easier? Everyone is angry at me for even considering not going to DHs sisters wedding. I feel terrible.

Be prepared that it may end the friendship of you cancel, OP.

Your friend gave you plenty of notice, you've paid for accommodation etc. Personally I'd stick to original plan and you & husband go to your friends wedding.

Group message SIL & PIL and tell them you're already committed on that date, that you wouldn't expect SIL to change her date, but unfortunately 6 weeks notice is too short to let your friends down. That you will be sad to miss their wedding but hopefully they will understand.

And then stick to your decision.

I’m sorry but this attitude is really poor on your side, and makes you look like a terrible friend and person to be using her rightful upset at the last minute cancellation to justify your potential poor behaviour of cancelling on her.

Either your husband goes to his sisters wedding and you grovel to your friend for forgiveness and offer to reimburse her for what she’ll have paid for his food OR you both go to friends wedding and apologise to SIL but say the late notice is the reason. Either way your husband tells his parents that their daughter’s poor organisation is to blame for the situation and they are not to bring it up with you again. These are the ONLY options that stop you from being a terrible human being

Well you are not available for the wedding with 6 weeks notice. You are going to burn a ton of bridges with the original wedding people if you pull out now. Your husband can go to his brother's wedding but you are required at the other wedding.

If you cancel your friends wedding you'll lose a friend. If you don't go to your SIL you'll thankfully maybe lose family. Definitely do the latter. They aren't family, they just use it to bully people.

Already committed to your friends wedding. 100% go to it otherwise she might not be your friend for long. The family wedding is short notice. Not your fault you already have commitments.

If your husband is so spineless he can’t stand up to his family, you’re going to need your friends for the day in the future when his family pushes you too far.

you are not an evening guest at your friend’s wedding, you are a bridesmaid, so one of the people she most wants to be part of her day. You obviously wanted to be a part of it too as you’ve spent money booking everything for it. Why should you drop her now for another offer - not even a better one, although that would also be a dick move - but to dump her on the biggest day of her life so far just because you Sister in law has said JUMP!

Ask your husband’s family how they would feel if their wedding had been planned for months and at six weeks to go you told them another invite had come in and you were choosing that instead.

Your SIL is never going to show you any gratitude for turning up at her wedding, because you will have just done as you were told, and she expects it. If you don't go, she'll just carry on being the spoilt bitch she already is.

Your friend, on the other hand, will be thrilled to have you as her bridesmaid, and devastated if you let her down now. You will lose a friend.

Personally I don't think it's much of a muchness at all. One person, who presumably is NOT in the bridal party, cancelling because his literal sister is marrying on the same day I would think was unfortunate but would accept. A bridesmaid dropping out because a SiL she didn't even like (?) was getting married with no notice is pretty unforgivable tbh.

I really think the right thing to do is obvious in this case.

Oh my god you already have a bridesmaid dress for wedding 1!!!!!???? You absolutely cannot pull out. It would be the absolute end of that friendship. Yes she might be gutted if your DH doesn't come, but I'm presuming he's not in the wedding party - or is he? Perfectly reasonable (but annoying) for someone to say my sibling is getting married that day. It was very short notice but I can't miss it then a ton of apologies. But you CANNOT miss it for an in laws wedding. Let your in laws be annoyed. Their choice. Stop people pleasing where the result is dishonourable behaviour to people you genuinely care about.

Go to the wedding youve prepared for and paid for.obviously over a long time and a lot of thought. 6 weeks at is nothing. do not feel guilty in any way. She will have known i am sure about your previous commitment. Have a lovely time.

You can win, you can develop a backbone and insist that both you and DH go to your friend’s wedding as you should.

Family with such low intelligence and poor values to have an issue with this are not worth placating.

Agree with this

If you don’t go to the friends wedding you will feel like a bad person. Because that is what a bad person would do.

Your power balance with your in laws sounds really weird. My MIL would not even dare trying this nonsense on me.

Who expects people to be available at such short notice?
Dorry SIL you dip out on this one. I dont even think hubby should go if she cant be arsed to ask him sooner

That would be such a dick move OP. I can’t believe you’re even considering not going given it’s a close enough friend that you’re in the wedding party.

I thought from this thread that you had a DH problem, but it seems you’re the problem too. FWIW, I think your DH still needs to attend the friend’s wedding. I don’t think it’s acceptable for either of you to pull out. But even if your DH decides to go to his sister’s wedding, you certainly still need to attend your friends wedding otherwise you will cause undue stress to the bride by being a terrible friend and ruining her longstanding plans.

What horrible family dynamics with the parents in law enablers and the queen bee SIL. What roles do you and your husband play in these family dynamics? Scape goat?

if you don’t go to this SIL wedding they will react by pushing you out of the family. How nearby do they live? I’d go to your friend’s wedding

I suppose the cowardly way out (which admittedly I might take) would be to tell both of them that you’re going, and then on the day itself you and DH both come down with terrible food poisoning and send your apologies.

Organising a wedding in six weeks takes some doing. She must have known she was getting married before six weeks ago.

I think we should all save ourselves the bother of replying.

Its perfectly clear what the OP will do, and she will be back here at some point because her marriage has fallen apart, her IL's have circled the wagons against her so co-parenting will by nigh on impossible, and her friends have all cut her off.

It is not ok to prioritise your husband's discomfort over your commitment to your friend. He is being extremely unfair and needs therapy to disentangle himself from his parents approval. Fuck them.

I am maid of honour for a very close friend next year and honestly I wouldn't even consider missing it for my SIL in these circumstances, and we have a great relationship. I also wouldn't be mad at DH for going to DSis wedding. If they're mad at you then that's their problem...

Who are you likely to have a longer more fulfilling relationship with, PIL or your friend (who assume is close as you are a BM)

Are the PIL going to give you the money for what you have paid for, for your friends wedding and contact your friend to tell her why you wont be there?

It is a tough decision, but you need to decide who is going to be in your life longer and who you will need more going forward.

Your in-laws sound like absolute nightmares, I'll bet this isn't the first time they've pulled a stunt like this, and I agree totally with PP that your DH really needs to grow a backbone and stand up to them.

Is this sister the Golden Child?

I agree with a PP, start a group chat with everyone in it, apologise but say you're gutted but are already booked to be a bridesmaid on that date and can't cancel at such short notice.

That said, while I am talking tough, if you do decide to go to your friend's wedding with DH going to his sisters, I'd have to hope your friend will understand what dicks the IL are and that you've been put in an awful situation. I would sympathise with that, if it were someone close enough to me to be a bridesmaid, but also I'd suspect I would already know what they were like based on previous discussions.

Would their behaviour be a surprise to your friend @Watdidusay ?