To cancel going to friends wedding

[Watdidusay]

We have a close friends wedding to attend in 6 weeks. It's been booked about 6 months in advance. We've prepaid for travel, hotels, childminding and bought traditional clothing for the event. I'm in the wedding party.

Just received an invite to my SILs wedding today (DHs sister) for the same date. In 6 weeks time.
Different part of the country.

Family are all saying we have to cancel the other wedding. We are going to be out hundreds of £.

AIBU to go to family wedding instead just to make my life easier? Everyone is angry at me for even considering not going to DHs sisters wedding. I feel terrible.

This is all entirely the sisters fault.

Agree with the consensus here - you should go to your Friends wedding, and up to your husband but I can understand if he did let down your friends to go to his sister's wedding. You should be very clear with your friend that you think the sister is being entirely unreasonable but ultimately it's his sister - she'll be upset but that is understandable and will appreciate that you are annoyed too and share in the frustration. There's a huge difference in you also pulling out - assuming you must be one of her closest friends (even if you've paid for your dress she's still not having her chosen bridesmaids for her big day!). Choosing to prioritise incredibly unreasonable non blood family is basically a sign that you don't prioritise her or that you take her friendship for granted, and either would be friendship killers.

And to the in laws you just repeat that you're a bridesmaid at a wedding booked will in advance and you would have loved to come but can't pull out now. You're husband needs to defend that to the hilt too. If they honestly can't get over that then they're not people id personally be too worried about...

What would you actually WANT to do?

Forget about money for a minute.

Your friend may well be irritated by the short notice of him cancelling but she’ll understand. Especially if she knows what your in laws are like.

Yes I'd do that

I also think you go to friend's wedding, DH go to his sister's.

Who gives only six weeks notice to close friends/family for a wedding, though?! Unless you are very chilled about who is or isn't going to attend, surely most people give much more notice than that to the 'must be there' guests? I know I did!

Have they (in-law family) always been like this OP?

"actually dear mummy yes I can, given that sister has done such poor job of organising it. Even fucked up the date - failed a t the first hurdle."

💣

In that case definitely don’t go to SIL wedding. It’s a power play. Show them you won’t put up with her nonsense.

Well actually, yes he can. You can definitely miss it. You've both already got an unbreakable prior commitment elsewhere that day, and if it had been so important to your SIL that you had to attend her wedding, she should have ruddy well checked that you were available on that date.

Is she the Golden Child by the way?

You mention traditional dress in your opening post. Are you part of a culture where the daughter in law is expected to defer to her husband/husband's family in every situation?

If your SIL is informing ALL the guests for the first time of the wedding date with six weeks to go, you won't be the only person not attending! People will be on holiday, unable to get time off work, have other unchangeable arrangements etc. She is going to be upset with lots of people, not just you. Are you even the only close family member who can't attend? I suspect not.

I wouldnt forgive a "friend" for this.

If you came here looking for justification for being a shit friend and dumping your long term commitment, you’ve come to the wrong place.

The reason your PILs and SIL throw tantrums is because they work. Your H is already bullying you into going, because he’s a coward who would prefer to hassle his wife than stand up to his stroppy, unreasonable family.

The bonus for them is that your inability to set boundaries is now going to totally isolate you from your friendship group. When the penny eventually drops that you don’t have to martyr yourself to this ridiculous family, your friends will have long given up.

Both go to your friend's wedding. You have to just stand up to people like this in the end, don't let them guilt trip or bully you.

Unless she’s dying, I would go to friends wedding.

If she really wanted everyone to attend, she would have asked if everyone was available.

The family can be angry if they like, just be firm and consistent with telling them that you’ll be sad to miss it , but you made a commitment and you won’t break it.

Knowing most men - they’ll refuse to take the children so will either go wherever the wife goes or jump at the chance to be child-free. I personally think the blood relatives should attend SIL but the OP has firm commitments and less loyalty/ties to the SIL.

Of course your friend will be upset but she would understand the compromise. It’s a rock and a hard place situation and DH with kids sister and you as a bridesmaid is the best scenario in a lose-lose situation

Ah, so if you don't go to SIL's wedding, she'll cut you off forever?

Hooray!!! So that's a win/win then. What could possibly be better? You get to be bridesmaid at your lovely friend's wedding, and you'll never have to speak to Bridezilla SIL or the PILs again. Seems ideal to me.

I could forgive a friend if they were just a guest. I think it would be unforgivable if they were part of the wedding party .

You can’t drop out of being a bridesmaid 6 weeks before the wedding just to keep the peace with your inlaws! I’m shocked anyone would even consider it.
It sounds like they will always find fault with you, why bother trying to appease someone when it will never be good enough.

My best friend cancelled being my bridesmaid at the last minute. The relationship never really recovered.

You absolutely cannot let your friend down at this late stage.

The only way I would ever cancel one wedding invitation for another at such short notice would be if either B or G was terminally ill and didn't have long left.

Are you really wanting to bin off your friendship by bailing on being her bridesmaid with 6 weeks notice? Few friendships would recover from that.

DH not going for his sister's is understandable even if it is disappointing.

You're not going to be rewarded for this by the in-laws. They'll carry on being demanding and un-grateful while you've lost a friendship too.

This is tough but you need to hold your boundaries here. Go to your friend's wedding.

Of course you would love to be at your SiL's wedding but she's got to accept that whilst she'd like you there - she's not given you enough notice.

If this was for a wedding in 6 months time the choices would still be difficult (I always feel first invite is the fairest way of dealing with it - but family is different and I can see the pull).

This is a totally different situation. Your SIL can't expect people to drop everything with 6 weeks notice. It's putting you in an impossible position and is unfair.

The next one will be the kids parties with 4 days notice (prior experience).

"Sorry guys I'm not coming to your wedding now, I'm going to someone else's instead" It just doesn't sit right- unless there's extenuating circumstances.