To cancel going to friends wedding

[Watdidusay]

We have a close friends wedding to attend in 6 weeks. It's been booked about 6 months in advance. We've prepaid for travel, hotels, childminding and bought traditional clothing for the event. I'm in the wedding party.

Just received an invite to my SILs wedding today (DHs sister) for the same date. In 6 weeks time.
Different part of the country.

Family are all saying we have to cancel the other wedding. We are going to be out hundreds of £.

AIBU to go to family wedding instead just to make my life easier? Everyone is angry at me for even considering not going to DHs sisters wedding. I feel terrible.

OP do not talk yourself into this.

Why are you scared of upsetting them? Do they provide you with financial help or childcare so you think that you owe them something? From what you have said, they don't sound like kind or supportive people at all.

After agreeing to be a bridesmaid to your friend, you would be incredibly rude to cancel and it will ruin your friendship with the bride and probably any other mutual friends who will be attending the wedding.

yes. yes you can.

If they cared that much they would have given you more notice. I would stay with my original plans. DH needs to make his own decisions but it is an important lesson to learn that you don’t back out of things you are already committed to.

You're a bridesmaid and you intend to cancel? !!!

Absolutely not!

If you do you can say goodbye to that friendship. I would have thought she would understand that your husband is being guilt tripped to attend his sister's wedding, but if you cancel on your friend that is an utterly shitty and unforgiveable thing to do, and not something a good friend would do.

I would put up with the family tantrum to not let a friend down.

I think explain to your friend that your DH’s sister has landed him in it and is behaving unreasonably. But you should still attend your friend’s wedding. I’ve been in a similar position where I was already committed when a wedding invitation came through short notice for DH’s family. We went our separate ways. It’s why people send save the dates

No I think terrible is pretty accurate.

She's close enough to her friend to be in the wedding party and she's thinking about letting her down just to keep her MIL happy? Pretty damn terrible in my opinion.

Well you’re going to lose your friendship, and so you should.

“I’m so sorry SIL, but my friends wedding is the same day and she asked me a few months ago to attend and I said yes, I’m not just a guest, I’m part of the bridal party so I have a commitment to fulfill and I can’t let her down.
Not only that but everything is paid for and I cant afford to waste it all. I would absolutely have RSVP’d under different circumstances as you are both very important to me, but I have to be fair. Husband is going to attend your wedding and I’m going to go to friends as both of you are relationships I hold dear and intend to keep”

If shes your SIL, how did the date of the wedding not come about in prior conversations during wedding planning? Are you close? Surely family (MIL, hubby, SIL ect) discuss and gossip potential dates and things with one another, way before it’s a “save the date” official affair? Like “oh your sisters thinking of booking it for October time”
You were really that blindsided, with only 6 weeks notice? They’re being unreasonable (and entitled tbh) expecting you to cancel your friends wedding and attend hers.
That’s not how life works. Just because it’s your SIL does not automatically make her more important than your friend (who I assume you’re actually close to given you’re in the party)

have you discussed the dilemma with friend? What have they said? Are the understanding/empathic to your situation and supportive of your decision either way, or are they upset and frustrated? Because that would also be the deciding factor for me.

I’ve only read the OP’s replies so apologies if someone else has already asked this.

How big is the sister’s wedding? There surely must be other people who can’t make this date due to lack of notice!

You do not need your Inlaws permission to go to your friends wedding, or to live your life the way you want to. @Watdidusay Your in laws will make you feel like a "Horrible" person?
So they've done that before then?
I can tell you they will again.
If not this, it will be something else. DH will say you have to give in. I bet Christmas is fun in your family set up.

OP I look back and really resent the fact that certain relatives thought they could threaten us (usually me) with anger. That's what it is in reality, a threat. Obey or face our wrath. You are not children. You are not their child. In fact it sounds like you are already in the exclusion zone. Of course we should respect our elders, but can you really respect people who control by threat? If they really cared about you or DH they wouldn't spend their time making you feel horrible. Pity them instead for the way they choose to live their lives.

DH under pressure too.. control your wife... and is probably relieved in some ways that you are the target for all the flack. It was probably aimed at him before you came along. Eventually, I decided that since i was always wrong whatever I did, there wasn't much difference in their response if I did what suited our own family unit best. No is a very powerful word, but you have to keep saying it and meaning it. Guess what. Once they realised it wasn't happening whatever they said. They had to put up with it (until the next time) Try it.

You know they are being very unreasonable. but you also know that you are in the right. So don't let them. Yes, you will face some huff.. But. So what. Let them be angry. What are they going to do about it apart from say some nasty things. They already do that. Answer back. "What a horrible thing to say." Call it exactly what it is. "Is that a question or are you just enjoying ranting at me?"

Grey rock it, remain serene and calm as if all is well and as it should be... a careless cheerful "oh well, it's done now. Let's not dwell on the past!" Once they see their huff is having no effect, it will take the wind out of their sails. I promise you, this works.

I'd suggest that you don't have much to lose but you do have a chance to know that you are doing the right thing. Your friend will appreciate it. So many have put forward the sensible suggestion, you go to friends and DH to SIl.

Talk to SIL she may understand. Suggest celebrating with her afterwards and get her a nice wedding present. And get DH to back you up. Teach him to say "It's been settled. That's enough."
Your friend will understand that you are going but he "can't".
When you are older and your children have grown up you will be glad that you struck out for independence and didn't just end up doing things you knew were not right.
Do you have your own family for support?

Go to SILs wedding as one of you is cancelling anyway?

Oh come on @Watdidusay is that your reasoning or DH or MIL talking?

Please add up all the money you have spent so far on your friends wedding. Itemise everything and send it to him. I have spent £xxx on this wedding. Also list the time and effort that has gone into it.

Was your friend at your wedding?

So DH has made a firm decision?
Sounds like he didn't hesitate making his choice and sticking to it, regardless of what you thought.. The wrath of his parents was too much for him

and sounds like you are considering ditching your friend, throwing away the entire sum you've already spent, and humbly trailing along after DH to the wedding where your In laws will make you feel their wrath for even considering going to your friends wedding, and you will spend the whole day feeling miserable. They have got you quite scared of displeasing them.

Please.

Set aside all the In Law "anger" and pressure for one moment.
Where would you rather be.. With your friend or at SILs wedding?

If you want to go to your friends wedding just tell DH and them ( text is a wonderful thing)
"I am going to my friends wedding and I don't want any further discussion about it." (worded more appropriately of course.) You only get one life. Let it be yours and not under the control of others who only have their own wants in mind.

If you're this unbothered about going to your friend's wedding, do her a favour and take yourself out of her wedding and her life.

So your (yours and your DH’s) status in the family is so, so far below SIL’s that you are mere bit players in her life, not entitled to be the main characters even in your own lives.

Your needs and wants are entirely subordinate to her whims. And yes, getting married to your long term partner of many years with only six weeks notice and no consultation with others as to their availability is a whim.

Your only question is if you are happy to accept that and allow that to continue. If you are indeed, and tbh it sounds like you and your DH both are, then obviously sack off your friend’s wedding, let her down massively and put your own wishes and feelings aside in the pursuit of putting SIL/PILs first. Let them continue to dictate your lives to you.

If you’re that desperate to maintain a relationship with these people who clearly couldn’t care less about you, who see you as mere service humans to them, the ones who actually matter, and it doesn’t bother you - and if it doesn’t bother you that your children see you being at the bottom of the hierarchical pile like this - then sure. Be meek and obedient and cast aside your own plans to fit in with SIL’s. When she or PILs say jump, you continue to ask “how high”.

If OTOH there is any part of you that thinks this is not ok, that you might actually be worth as much as SIL and PILs are, and that you deserve to be seen and treated as such; if you could imagine having an iota of self respect, then please do rethink this.

Why are you going to such lengths to please people who care nothing about pleasing you in return? Why do you accept such one way traffic? Why does what they want matter so much to you, but what you want matter not at all to them?

It’s sad to see how incapable you are of advocating for yourselves.

There are so many other costs associated though like printing of orders of service already with your name in them, table plan, name cards, bridesmaids flowers/gifts/shoes/pyjamas etc, potential deposits for hair and make up plus final numbers for meals, table favours and drinks packages.

No, you can't win.

So you need to make the best out of two shitty choices.

You can go to your friends wedding, and upset a bunch of people who have no good reason to be upset.

Or you can go to your family's wedding, and upset your friend, who will have a really good reason to be upset with you.

Go to your friends wedding. Preserve the relationship with the person you actually like rather than the ones you don't.

Well said. You have summed this up beautifully.

I had a very similar situation post covid, one of my best friends had their wedding postponed from may 2020 -twice - and finally rearranged full wedding - (rather than with just a handful of covid allowed guests)- for July 2021, we'd agreed to book a room, stay over etc for 2 days
And then 2 of my other friends booked a wedding in early 2021 for the same date, miles away from each other so not even a chance of showing my face at both.
I still don't think they've properly forgiven me years later, but I'd already committed to the previous one, as well as all the costs
Appreciate it's a bit more difficult when it's family, but it's a lose-lose situation whatever way you decide, somebody is definitely going to be mad at you.

I agree. And it’s a generous solution, as SIL is BVU giving only six weeks’ notice.

@Watdidusay PLEASE don't do that. It sends a TERRIBLE message to your inlaws for a start - you're basically telling them they can bully you as much as they like and you will just roll over and take it. If you give in to this the rest of your married life will be hell.

Moreover, you would be seriously letting your friend down. Don't you care about that? Shame on you!

Let your DH make his own decision about which wedding he goes to. Personally I think the answer to "you can't miss your sister's wedding" is " if she really wanted me there she would have checked my availability before fixing the date". But it's his decision to make.

Why are you going to such lengths to please people who care nothing about pleasing you in return? Why do you accept such one way traffic? Why does what they want matter so much to you, but what you want matter not at all to them?
It’s sad to see how incapable you are of advocating for yourselves.

Some people just lack backbone and moral fibre. Especially (some) women on here when it comes to their husbands.

They probably see it as they need to face their partner every day, but they don’t see their friend all the time. They value marriage, but not friendships. They value ease and convenience over doing the decent thing.

So for all these reasons and more they figure it’s easier to piss the friend off than the spouse, and care little for the potential fall out with the friend.

The funny thing is I can’t see a man missing out on his close friends wedding - especially if he was in the wedding party - just to appease his wife! It’s a terrible shame that (some) women are so quick to behave like this.

I’ve said my piece so I’ll exit the thread now as it’s just annoying me now, plus I feel my many words are wasted on OP 😆.

I suspect she had more or less made up her mind from the start. She hasn’t once properly engaged with the many arguments in favour of honouring her earlier commitment, other than to try and blame it on in-laws.

If I were your friend I would be raging if you cancelled so that you could go to someone else's wedding. That's just not on.

I organised my wedding quite last minute and there were several family members that couldn't make it because they had already committed to going to another wedding. I completely understood and didn't hold it against them at all.

If you did that to me - dropped out of being my bridesmaid, with 6 weeks to go, I would be devastated and I think I would find it difficult to forgive. It’s more understandable for your dh, as he has been put in an awkward position over his own sister’s wedding. Most people would be sympathetic about such a dilemma, but she’s not your sister. I don’t get why you can’t just say to your PIL that, unfortunate timing as it is, you made a prior commitment (6 months ago) to attend your friend’s wedding as a bridesmaid, and of course they must see that you cannot just drop out with 6 weeks notice.

It depends how much you value your friendship. If appeasing your ridiculous PIL means more to you than supporting your close friend, then go ahead, but she is likely to be very hurt and upset, and it will be bound to damage your friendship (irretrievably, if it were me).

Since you are already in your friend's wedding, I would suggest you attend the friend's wedding and your husband attend his sister's wedding. It's not ideal, but it's a fair compromise.

I would go to the the friend's wedding. Sil needs to check on such short notice or understand that some might not make it. You might damage your friendship and then something else will happen that sil will be pissed at you for, so she'll still likely have some other issue with you down the road.