To cancel going to friends wedding

[Watdidusay]

We have a close friends wedding to attend in 6 weeks. It's been booked about 6 months in advance. We've prepaid for travel, hotels, childminding and bought traditional clothing for the event. I'm in the wedding party.

Just received an invite to my SILs wedding today (DHs sister) for the same date. In 6 weeks time.
Different part of the country.

Family are all saying we have to cancel the other wedding. We are going to be out hundreds of £.

AIBU to go to family wedding instead just to make my life easier? Everyone is angry at me for even considering not going to DHs sisters wedding. I feel terrible.

Your parents-in-law aren't in charge.

Of course it’s not inevitable. Dear god, find, borrow or manufacture a sodding backbone and be a decent friend.

It would be outrageous to conceal on your friend. If your SIL books a wedding at such short notice then she needs to understand some people will already have commitments.

If I was your friend and you didn’t attend I wouldn’t forgive you.

You're in the wedding party so you should go to your friend's wedding. Your DH should go to his sister's. And apologise profusely to the friend for him not being there. Were your children coming to friend's wedding? I'd expect them to go to their Aunt's wedding too.
Your MIL has no grounds to be upset with you for not attending her DD's wedding, you are already committed to another event and if SIL had thought it important enough for you to be there she would have given you more notice or asked about your availability.

I wouldn't speak to you again if you did this to me.

Fact that sil has form for unreasonable, entitled behaviour makes your leaning towards letting your friend down worse.

It isn't even about the loss of money anymore, it is about your willingness to lay down for your dodgy in-laws.

Ultimately OP, it comes down to who you value more. Your H is compromised but you don't have to be.

If she'll be upset with dh cancelling, she'll be doubly upset with you both cancelling surely?

But it's clear you're thinking of prioritising your sil wedding, you're not really much of a friend are you?

You need to really think about how your decision going forward will have consequences. Do you think your friends will understand and forgive you for cancelling last minute? She may forgive your husband for cancelling but I really doubt if she will be able to see past this if you pull out of the wedding party and wedding itself. It is a major betrayal and I’m not sure your friendship will survive this.
Do you really think your in-laws would reciprocate if the roles were reversed? I bet you’d be told tough luck you should have planned better. Your in laws all sound like control freaks and drama queens.
Look at it like this you have made a substantial commitment that you really should try and honour. No body likes flaky people who cancel last minute for another offer. Don’t let people down in this manner unless it is unavoidable and due to death or sickness if you do cancel it may get around your friend group and you find yourself loosing more than just one friend. People will think of you as unreliable and stop asking you to important events for fear you may cancel.
what kind of person do you want to be? One who cancels on friends last minute or one who stands up for themself and says “unfortunately I have already paid and accepted the position of …. In a wedding booked months ago. As much as I would love to attend SIL wedding I will not be able to. It isn’t a case of where I would prefer to go it is a case of already being booked. I hope you all have a wonderful time”
What venue has any availability at such short notice anyway unless it’s because of a cancellation? They probably knew the date in advance and just didn’t bother to tell anyone. You can’t be very close to the in-laws if you’re only hearing about the wedding now?

Also this will blow over with the in-laws even if it seems like it won’t. Why is your husband not agreeing with you? It is awful to let people down in this way it’s not like you’re only invited to your friends evening do at the wedding instead you are actually part of the wedding party itself right?
What would you think and how would you feel if a close friend did this to you? I bet you’d never forget it.
Stand true to your own beliefs never compromise yourself for someone else only trouble lies that way I’m afraid. Good luck

Explain the situation to your friend, and point out that you don’t control what your husband does if he decides not to attend. If you give in to this, you will likely lose a good friend, and make it clear to your in-laws that any pre existing plans of yours can be cancelled at short notice as ‘family trumps anything else’.

Their request is completely unreasonable, your husband should be angry at the unfair pressure you are both being subjected to.

I don't agree with you OP. If you're a bridesmaid I'm sure your friend would appreciate you being there even if your DH isn't. It makes sense your DH will want to be at his sister's wedding but I don't think that means you need to cancel.

If it were a close friend of mine and I were a bridesmaid I woken let her down just because it's the easier option.

Honestly Op I know this is a shit situation but I think you're over complicating it

Can you communicate with your SIL directly? PIL want certsin behaviours from family, I know, but in this case they cant have it. My response would have been: oh no! We cant come! I'm so sorry! 6 weeks is a really short time to organise a wedding, is there anything i can help with? And only explain if the SIL spoke to me. I agree with people saying dont let down your friend. It sounds as if your DHs family is pretty unpleasant and you risk this kind of thing happening many times in future. Your friend, on the other hand, seems to treasure you.

No. It absolutely is NOT ' much of a muchness' at all. If you pullout now from your friend's wedding with only 6 weeks to go AND you are in the Bridal Party, you will almost certainly lose your friend and she will NOT understand. She may be disappointed that your DH isn't also there, but she will accept that he is pulling out because HIS sister is getting married.

IN - LAWS will get over things, once the dust settles, eventually almost certainly. They and your DH are very unreasonable trying to pressure you into going. PLEASE do not let them bully you into dropping your friend, which is what you will be doing if you go to SIL's wedding instead. Please!

I think you are a terrible person for even considering this.

Not terrible, just weak.

So yes, you are your DH are a couple and a team. You are still however individuals capable of making your own choices.
Only each of you can make the decision that is right for you.

Sounds like the right decision for you is to go to your friends wedding.
Your DH will have to make his own mind up what is best for him.
At least if he then chooses his sisters wedding then you can go to to your friends knowing that it is his decision not to be there, and not some shared or joint decision you came to.

So many people have said let DH go to SILs wedding but I know my friend will still be upset at the cancellation from DH. If it's inevitable then I am weighing up if it's a much of a muchness if we both cancel and go to SILs wedding as one is cancelling anyway. I paid for my bridesmaids dress anyway so she won't be out on that. I feel like I can't really win here.

Equally your in laws will still be upset if you don't go so you might as well have you and dh not go to your sil's wedding.

You simply cannot bail on being a bridesmaid 6 weeks out because you got a better offer (because that is what you will be doing). If you were my friend I would never look at you the same way again. So if you ditch your friend's wedding be aware that you are ditching your friendship for the sake of your in laws.

Yes your friend will be upset at your dh bailing on her. anyone would be. It is rude and inconsiderate at this late stage but she may understand the amount of pressure put on him by his sister. but if you ditch her too - a bridesmaid -- kiss goodbye to your friendship (and your self-respect).

I suspect you are a people-pleaser. No shame a lot of us are. But there comes a point where you can't please all the people and have to do what is right.

If this is what you are thinking then this is shocking. I cannot believe you are serious about letting your friend down as her bridesmaid. For once I hope this a wind up as no one could be as callous as that. Feck your in laws. They have caused this by their late notice and demands. Your friend will already have spent a lot of money for both your places. Expect wider repercussions if you drop your friend and her wedding. Your wider friendship group won't be too impressed either.
If you go to your in laws wedding watch your wider support group and friends disappear or pull back.

it is really shitty if you cancel on your friend.

She is your friend who values you enough to ask you to be part of one of the biggest days of her life.

Additionally you are setting yourself up for a life of doing exactly what PIL want every time.

Take the short term pain of saying "no" very firmly, and point out to your DH that he is an utter arse if he goes to his sister's wedding - at least without a fuss.

What on earth do you think you will achieve by pleasing such cunty inlaws?

I think you’re letting your DH off the hook here too. He also has made a commitment to you and your friend. His ‘family’ didn’t care to check he was available before booking. He could have had any kind of commitment. He’s being let off the hook because his commitment is going with you to your friends wedding.
so in this situation you become the bad guy. I think he needs to find his spine and stand up to PIL.
how long were the two of you meant to be away for for the wedding?

Your friend has told you that you are so special to her she wants you to not just be at her wedding but to stand beside her on her special day
Your Sil has told her brother he's not important enough to her for her to check if he's available to attend her very short notice wedding.
Your PILs need to keep their noses out.
Besides, your PILs will always be your PILs (unfortunately) even if you don't go to the family wedding but you friend might rethink how much she means to you if you don't honour your agreement and stand beside her.
It's your husband who has the dilemma, your way is clear.

I think the behaviour from your SIL & PIL is shocking and very childish. Who lets people know about a set wedding date 6 weeks in advance? Set a boundary and go to your friend's wedding. It sounds like it might not be so bad if SIL cut you off anyway.

Wow! Your friend asked you first so that is the commitment that you should honour. She may be upset if your DH cancels but will still appreciated you being there. To ditch her wedding entirely is a really awful thing to do.

Your SIL and your PILs aren't even nice to you and are being incredibly unreasonable to insist that you attend your SIL's wedding after you already have plans that you can't break.

Are you willing to jeopardise your friendship for the sake of people that probably wouldn't spit on you if you were on fire.

You absolutely cannot cancel on your friends wedding, especially being a part of the wedding party!
I’d much rather my in laws were angry at me, over potentially losing a good friendship, which is likely to happen if you pull out of your friends wedding.

Unfortunately in some situations there is no way to avoid potentially upsetting someone, and the fact that someone is upset doesn’t mean you’ve done anything ‘wrong’. If you were my friend I may be slightly disappointed if your partner didn’t come but it’s leagues different if you (my bridesmaid) decided not to come as well. If I heard the story about the SIL wedding then I’d appreciate you still honouring your commitment to me, and understand re husband going to his sister’s wedding. Your husband’s parents are being very unreasonable and you may just have to accept that they won’t be happy with your decision in this situation, but it doesn’t mean it’s the wrong decision.

Who cares if the inlaws are pissed off? Why aren't YOU PISSED off OP? They are pressuring you; I would dig my heels in so hard on this.

"No, I ain't going to SIL's wedding, I am a bridesmaid at my friends wedding, which has been booked and paid for the last 6 months! So, unless you're going to reimburse all the costs and pay for my travel fare between the two weddings, then you can all fuck off!"

Also I understand that your husband is worried about upsetting his parents but he should really have your back here, whatever you decide.