To cancel going to friends wedding

[Watdidusay]

We have a close friends wedding to attend in 6 weeks. It's been booked about 6 months in advance. We've prepaid for travel, hotels, childminding and bought traditional clothing for the event. I'm in the wedding party.

Just received an invite to my SILs wedding today (DHs sister) for the same date. In 6 weeks time.
Different part of the country.

Family are all saying we have to cancel the other wedding. We are going to be out hundreds of £.

AIBU to go to family wedding instead just to make my life easier? Everyone is angry at me for even considering not going to DHs sisters wedding. I feel terrible.

Yes it's understandable that she will be upset but I will hope she still appreciates that you have made the effort to stand by your commitment and make the best of the situation.

If by upset you mean she would say "I would really have loved your DH to be here to but anyway I appreciate you still coming, let's make the most of it" then I don't see the problem.

If by upset you mean she will throw a fuss, start an argument, make you feel guilty and/or maybe end the friendship, freeze you out etc then she's not a friend and is in the same category as your selfish idiotic inlaws.

It looks like you are starting to lean towards cancelling on your friend and just going to SIL wedding so you don't deal with the upset inlaws while trying to use the fact your friend will be upset anyway as a weak excuse.

It's your call, goodluck either way. I'm sure it's apparent that the level of upset your friend will feel will be different between you coming and your DH skipping v both of your cancelling to go to your SIL, you know it and are just finding ways to justify keeping the peace with your in-laws. Maybe it's your husband's weak nagging that has gotten to you or you're scared of SIL and PILs and their reaction and backlash I don't know but either way good luck and recognize that any decision will with consequences so I guess whichever scares you the most.

You go to your friends wedding, dh goes to his sisters wedding. The in laws can bitch and moan about it all they like. They're being ridiculous. With 6 weeks notice, sil should have contacted everyone she wanted there to make sure they were free.

So disappointing but yet so predictable.
99% of voters said you should go to the friends wedding. You have chosen to ignore a rare overwhelming consensus on here to throw your friend under the bus for your husband.

As I said upthread I could tell you would come to this decision. It was clear you came on here to try and get your rather cowardly decision to attend the SIL wedding affirmed and it wasn’t.

Your reasoning lacks logic - yes, your friend might be ever so slightly miffed if your husband can’t make it but she won’t lose sleep over it. She would still want you there and would be thrilled you were making the effort to come alone despite a conflicting event.

Don’t believe me? Ask her! Say “hey friend, my husband can’t come so would you just rather prefer I don’t come too since you’re going to be soooo disappointed about my husbands absence anyway ?”

I can almost guarantee you the answer is no, she would NOT prefer you just to drop out of the wedding party too

Just like so many other married women on MN, I don’t think you value friendship very much.

But at least you’re letting your friend know what you’re about by taking this decision.
I just hope you tell her asap.

Why on earth would you cancel on your friend?????

Tell your husband to stop being flaky and stick to your commitment.

He needs to tell your SIL that you cant attend her wedding as you are already attending your friends wedding.

If your inlaws really have an issue with that then theyre not very nice people.

I think op just reassurance she can cancel on her friend. How sad

Anyone would understand your DH dropping out of anything, to go to his sisters wedding.

But you have committed to your friend. You're in the wedding party. In my opinion, that supercedes your sil.

The only circumstances I would consider dropping out of my good friends wedding were if it were MY sister...

And, your in-laws are assholes if they actually expect you to ditch your friend. You'll need your friends with 'family' like that

Yes and judging my OPs latest update a few minutes ago she’s made her mind up . But I do think her mind was made up before she posted.

She was just looking for people to agree with her so she feels less guilty.

You are a bridesmaid, so presumably this is a close friend - to pull out at that stage to make your life easier would send a really strong message about how little you value your friendship.

I think you need to put your big girl pants on and do the right thing. No one likes a confrontation, but maintaining a good friendship is worth more than pleasing your difficult in-laws.

Just because PILs are shouting loudest doesn’t mean you should let down a friend who you have agreed to play a part in her wedding.

Who’s there for you more and who can you turn to for support and help - your friends or PIL/SIL?

Please start setting boundaries and consider how much you want to spend the next 30/40 years kowtowing to these people.

"well you can't miss your sister's wedding"

WELL THEN SHE SHOULD HAVE CHECKED THAT I WAS NOT ALREADY COMMITTED TO BEING MY FRIEND'S BRIDESMAID ON THAT DATE!

It's not like you had vague plans to see friends. You are a full-blown promise to keep. You do know if you pull out of your friend's wedding, you will destroy the trust and friendship forever, yes?

Stop pandering to PIL's unreasonable nonsense.

This has to be a reverse!

If you are the bride, yes your friend is a sap and needs to grow a backbone. You care enough about her to have her in your bridal party and she cancels at such short notice. Unforgivable.

It sounds like you have already made up your mind. If i was your friend i would be upset about your OH dropping out but would understand as its his sister and he is not in my wedding party. I would consider it unforgivable for you to drop out however, and i consider myself a very understanding person.

With a wet lettuce husband the friend might be in her life much longer than the in-laws 😂

I would respond that I am also devastated by this clash but that you have promised your friend and it would be so cruel to pull out now. I would reiterate how sad it is that you had no knowledge of SIL’s wedding before now.

Ultimately this is not a problem you have caused and I don’t think you have the power to fix it. If possible I would continue to honour my committment to be in the bridal party of my friend and DH go to his sister’s wedding.

I would not cancel on my friend. Even as just a guest. Let alone as a bridesmaid. Certainly not with just a few weeks to go.

I can understand your DH going to his SIL's wedding. The sooner you tell your friend though the better in case she needs to adjust catering etc.

Is there any reason why you can't each go separately? Presumably transport isn't an issue?

Agree. Completely nuts. I'd be so upset as the friend.

If his attendance is that important at his sisters wedding they why hasn’t she checked he’s available?
it sounds like your DH wants to stick with the original plan and is wary about the fallout from rocking the boat. Sooner or later he has to prioritise you. (And the decent thing is to honour his original acceptance).
its PIL giving you grief, SIL may not be that bothered. Has he actually messaged her and said .Sorry we won’t be able to attend as we are away at a prior engagement. We’ll celebrate on our return with you. ‘
if they spin the ‘but but but, family’ argument on you then turn it round and say ‘if our attendance is important to you then please check our availability in advance.’ I bet they checked that PIL were available before booking. ‘Family’ should not be used as an excuse for poor behaviour.
I’m sorry OP. It’s a crappy situation and not of your making.

As for your in-laws being upset, that's SIL's responsibility not yours. She could have given everyone 6 months' notice, not 6 weeks.

No way. You've already accept another invite. That would be incredibly rude to turn down because you have "a better offer". (I get that you're not seeing it as a better offer - but that is how it would come across to your friend, maybe?). I think if you cave in on this one, you'll be forever expected to just fit in. I suggest you hold the line now and let your husband attend his sister's wedding. Something I learnt from a book years ago and it makes all the difference is to say NO with charm - "I am so disappointed to miss your wedding but it clashes with a very dear friend of mine and I have already accepted their invite". Be firm but gracious i.e. don't make it about them only just letting you know the date. If they're still stroppy with you - well, you're better off knowing that now, rather than decades of accommodating people who don't see you as a person with your own wants/desires/outside friendships - to them, you're just so and so's partner.

Honestly, I’d let your husband decide which wedding he goes to. But I would go to my friends wedding.

If your husband chooses his sister’s wedding, you cancel his rsvp with your friend, and explain that his family are twats but you’re very much looking forward to her wedding.

Let him deal with his family. If they mention it to you, your stock answer on repeat is “I can’t miss my friends wedding. We’ve had it planned 6 months in advance, and I’m a bridesmaid” on repeat

Sorry, OP, but I’m beginning to think this is a wind up.
You are being a bridesmaid in 6 weeks and you think there might even be a remote possibility that you can now opt out and bow to pressure from your husband and his family to attend a wedding you were given no notice of?
Really?
Apologies if I’ve got that wrong.

It's probably for the best that her friends (I include all the rest of the bridal party in this because surely the OP is friends with others) know how unreliable she is, then they can also pull back from the friendship

Or since reading the last update the op may lose the friend.

As if my bridesmaid pulled out because of her wet lettuce husband and demanding in-laws at the last minute I’d figure she wasn’t my friend at all.

Ridiculous. She may be sad about your husband but she would understand he should attend his sister's wedding. What she shouldn't accept is you cancelling on her.

This is where I would stand. If you let your friend down, @Watdidusay it will likely mean the end of that friendship. It may not be dramatic, but she will fade you out. It’s pretty unforgivable to commit to be a bridesmaid and then drop out mere weeks before the event - she ill have paid for seating plans and table cards to be printed and incur costs if she wants to redo them, your meals (yours and DH) will already have been incorporated into the costs, she will have ordered flowers/posies and possibly a bridesmaid thank you gift - it’s not just the dress. You not showing up may impact her by hundreds of pounds. I think it is appalling that you simply don’t stick to your guns and tell PiL that you cannot go and that SiL should have checked availability before rashly booking a venue- and it will have been rashly in response to a last minute cancellation at the venue opening up, unless they had this date in mind all along and couldn’t do you the courtesy of forewarning you. Either way, I’d be looking to preserve my friendship.