To cancel going to friends wedding

[Watdidusay]

We have a close friends wedding to attend in 6 weeks. It's been booked about 6 months in advance. We've prepaid for travel, hotels, childminding and bought traditional clothing for the event. I'm in the wedding party.

Just received an invite to my SILs wedding today (DHs sister) for the same date. In 6 weeks time.
Different part of the country.

Family are all saying we have to cancel the other wedding. We are going to be out hundreds of £.

AIBU to go to family wedding instead just to make my life easier? Everyone is angry at me for even considering not going to DHs sisters wedding. I feel terrible.

Yes in laws have made that clear. I did actually ask that originally and the response was a definite "well you can't miss your sisters wedding"

If your SIL cared about having your DH or you there she would have checked your availability before checking. She doesn't care so why should either you or your DH?

Go to your friends wedding (and have an amazing time, well away from difficult in laws!)

What? Your friend comes before SIL. She would understand DH would have to go to his own family's wedding but you don't need to as your commitment is to her.

If you concede to your in laws on this, when they are being so unreasonable, you will end up doing it every time

Absolutely go to your friends wedding. You would be very, very unreasonable to pull out at this late stage if you are part of the bridal party. It’s a tougher one for your DH. On balance and with considerable reluctance I’d probably say he should go to his sisters in order to preserve family relationships, but a very large part of me would want him to refuse as well to teach them all that family really does not and should not trump everyone else.

Without question, I would go to your friends wedding. You've already committed to it, booked and paid for it. You would be massively letting your friend down, especially if you're in the bridal party. What if you'd booked a holiday abroad? You should not cancel. Just tell them that unfortunately you've already committed to your friends wedding and are in the wedding party. If they were that fussed about you being there, they'd have either asked if you were free before booking it or sent a save the date out. 6 weeks is ridiculous notice for a wedding.

I think if you cancel your friends wedding at such short notice, you may have to be prepared to lose a friend. Its a very difficult situation.

She's not your sister - and she hasn't given you enough notice - if she wanted you there she should have checked with you
If I was your friend and you ditched me 6 weeks before my wedding I would let the friendship go

She isn’t your sister.

And if she was that bothered about you attending, she would have checked the dates with you.

I absolutely would not be bullied like this. I would attend my friends wedding. Up to DH what he does. If ILS are bombarding you with shitty messages you block them.

Where is your backbone?!!!

Honestly this is INSANE.

You will lose a friend if you bail, and rightly so if you think the only thing she'll care about is losing money. She chose you to be part of her special day, stand with her at her most important time. Invited you months in advance.

And you're willing to let your PIL decide your boundaries? Literally insane.

And your DH is a dickhead for trying to manipulate you.

You're a bridesmaid?!!!

JFC, and you're thinking of cancelling with 6 weeks to go?

What a totally shitty act of friendship that would be.

Good luck, and if you choose your SIL, be prepared also to do all the care for your PILs when they're old & infirm because they and your SIL will know what a pushover you are.

I have honestly never heard the like, what a disgusting thing to contemplate doing.

Ugh not only are you married to a wet lettuce, but you yourself are a wet lettuce 🙄

You can't OP. It's too late. You're not just a guest here.

If you value the friendship, you won't drop them in the shit. You'll have to split as a couple so both are attended

You don’t cancel being a bridesmaid!

Maybe do plan C. Go to neither wedding and go on a luxury cruise abroad.

Only kidding, you be the bridesmaid and dh goes to His suster’s wedding.

Your in-laws are being ridiculous. You have a previous commitment which was arranged six months in advance. You are in the wedding party. You have spent a lot of money on attending your friend’s wedding. It is just tough that your SIL didn’t have the decency to check if people were available and only invited them six weeks in advance.

Your in-laws will be angry and that’s fine. They’ll get over it or not.

You can’t cancel going to your friend’s wedding.

That's a poor excuse @Watdidusay. You will lose a friendship just to appease your bullying in laws, who won't be happy anyway. Particularly terrible to let your friend down if you are a bridesmaid.
Stupid choice to make if you ask me!

Just seem you are a bridesmaid.
No way would I be cancelling that to be a guest at a wedding planned with a few weeks notice.

Well your friend needs you there. You’re a bridesmaid! Obviously she won’t love your husband missing it but I can’t see any way where it’s as bad as you missing it.

Frankly if you cancel your commitments to attend the new wedding you’re done with this friendship - and probably anyone else part of the original wedding will have concerns too. Whereas if you don’t attend the sister’s wedding they’ll be mad at you too, but sounds like they always kind of are mad at you anyway so why try to ruin something else to not please them anyway.

You aren’t between a rock and a hard place. You have a terrible situation with your husband and his family that is very much his problem. He should have already shut this down. A wedding invite is not a summons as is often said here and it would be genuinely shocking if you threw away what sounds like an important friendship to try to please people who don’t respect you.

My cousin couldn't attend my wedding as he was the best man for his friend's wedding on the same day.
My other cousin, I couldn't attend her wedding at similar short notice (she was pregnant) as we had already booked a holiday.
Nobody kicked up any sort of fuss, there was complete understanding!
Your SIL is a dick and shouldn't have her behaviour enabled.

Not much of a muchness! It’s you your friend wants at her wedding. You are the bridesmaid. Do not let her down!!!!!

Develop some boundaries with your PIL. Go to your friend's wedding. You have made a commitment to be a bridesmaid.

PIL will get over it eventually, probably be shocked that you stood up to them for once but it will do them good.
If you ditch your friend you will lose a friend and also prove to your PIL and SIL that you are theirs to command and will do whatever they want even against your own preferences and needs.
DH is a tricky problem but I think you just need to say to him "I don't mind what you do, you can come with me to friend's wedding or go to your sister's, whichever you like." He needs to grow a spine and make his own choice. Yes, if he goes alone to SIL's wedding they'll moan at him that you aren't there, but he needs to man up and say, "She already had a commitment and I support her."

If your friend is a decent friend she'll understand DH going to his sister's wedding. You and your friend can bitch together about in-laws who don't give enough notice. But if you ditch your friend now she'll never forgive you.

OP you and your DH made a commitment and spent a lot of money to attend your friends wedding. You really should honour that.

Yes ideally it would be important to attend a close family members wedding and had you been sent an invite for both weddings at the same time you’d most likely prioritise the family one. But that’s not what happened.

Your PIL are behaving poorly, they’re equating you going to your friends wedding as meaning you don’t value your SIL. But ithats not the case at all. If they want to have a temper tantrum then frankly let them.

Just because they’re kicking off and being vocal about it doesn’t mean you should cancel on your friend

You're a bridesmaid. You can't let her down.

FIRST COMMITMENT. ALWAYS. Any PIL that wants you to go against those principles is a dick.

See my note above - a suggestion of what you can send them. It would be hard to argue with it. My compromise was DH does the sister's wedding. Your friend might be disappointed but she would understand I am sure. DH should apologise to your friend in a hand written note explaining rather than leave it to you though...

It’s not your in-laws who have put you in that extremely difficult position, it’s your DH.

He is faltering because he’s scared of the fall out from his family instead of confidently doing the correct thing from teh very beginning, and saying ….

Thanks for the lovely invitation, - of course we would love to be there with you but we have already been heavily committed since last year, to a wedding on the same date, and can not pull out at this late stage.
The clash of dates is very disappointing of course, but can’t be helped.
We will be thinking of you very much and will make time to celebrate with you as soon as we can arrange a date convenient to us both. We will talk more about it all when we see you next weekend (or whenever) but just wanted to let you know as soon as possible.

posted in error