To cancel going to friends wedding

[Watdidusay]

We have a close friends wedding to attend in 6 weeks. It's been booked about 6 months in advance. We've prepaid for travel, hotels, childminding and bought traditional clothing for the event. I'm in the wedding party.

Just received an invite to my SILs wedding today (DHs sister) for the same date. In 6 weeks time.
Different part of the country.

Family are all saying we have to cancel the other wedding. We are going to be out hundreds of £.

AIBU to go to family wedding instead just to make my life easier? Everyone is angry at me for even considering not going to DHs sisters wedding. I feel terrible.

Tell him to put on his fucking big boy pants and tell his parents to sit down and shut up on this.

You have a prior commitment. You are IN the wedding of a good friend who planned the event well in advance of SIL's very late notice. You will not be bailing on your good friend.

He can do what he wants, but whatever he chooses, demand that he have your back on this and tell his parents/family you and he will not entertain any further discussion on this matter.

You can’t go back on a commitment to attend an event because another invitation comes along. That’s incredibly bad form.

unreasonable for them to ask you cancel the original
wedding invite. You have already made a commitment and cannot cancel now.
6 weeks is such a short time to expect people not to have plans. Maybe to keep the peace you go to your friends and husband to his sisters.

Go to your friends. Their lack of planning isn’t your emergency. 6 weeks notice is not appropriate for anyone to plan. You have a commitment, send apologies.

Same. The SIL doesn't sound like close family whereas this sounds like a good friend to put that much effort in.

Don't give someone only 6 weeks' notice and then be surprised when they can't make it.

The friend would be devastated if the OP backed out. And imagine if multiple people did that to you once planned - no harm saying no to a recent invite because they can't have planned much yet and shouldn't until people rsvp.

You can’t back out of the wedding party!! 😱

100% this

You have batshit inlaws and a weak H.

Your friend should rightly cut you off if you bail on her wedding at this stage.

You can't even seriously be considering pandering to this shit?

You’re in your friend’s wedding party, of course you can’t cancel just because your SIL wasn’t organised enough and everyone pussyfoots around her! The only exception that I’d even remotely consider, is if she has a terminal diagnosis and that’s why the wedding is being rushed. Otherwise? Hell no!
You'd be a really shitty friend if you pulled out of the original wedding now. And who cares what your in-laws think of you? I went NC with mine and it was bloody lovely!

Your SIL has chosen to set her wedding at very short notice without checking you're available so I think it's reasonable to go to the wedding you've committed to. Is it your friend or DH friend? If it's your friend and you want to go then go and send DH to his family wedding. It doesn't matter what they all think. If she was bothered about you being there they should have checked your availability.

If you’re a people pleaser and worry people don’t like you if you don’t go to the friends then she will hate you as will her family and friends. Which will be worse as the reason for the issue is the SIL so they would be unreasonable to be angry at you declining them. You never accepted. The friend would have good reason to be pissed off if you drop her wedding though.

In a fit of romantic enthusiasm dh and I wanted to get married the summer after he proposed in the March. However I quickly realised many key guests were already committed to other weddings so we pushed it back to late spring the following year when they could all come.

OP, there is no point in attempting to appease unreasonable people which your in0laws clearly are. Where does it stop? Next it'll be a birthday, a christening or whatever that's dropped on you when you already have plans made for something else. I've said this before on a different wedding thread - Golden rule #1, always check the availability of the essential guests! At 6 weeks out, your friend's wedding plans will be finalised and paid (meal places etc) so even DH pulling out to go to his sister's wedding will cost her. Don't make it even worse for her by pulling out of the wedding party too. Has SiL only just arranged this or has she been sitting on the plans for a while? Not that it makes much difference to you but does indicate the level of arseholery that runs in that family. DH sounds like a bit of an invertebrate tbh.

You have to honour the commitment that you've already made, especially as you are in the wedding party. It would be extremely irresponsible and disruptive for you to flake out now.

If it was that important to your ILs that you attend, then they should have sent the invitations long ago. As the old saying goes, 'Your lack of planning doesn't constitute my emergency' - especially when it would involve letting other people down.

It only makes your life easier in the short term. PIL get what they want But it continues the notion that you will drop everything at their suggestion/ order. This will cripple up time and time again.
you’ll always be resentful of having to give up your close friends wedding.
is SIL even bothered about you attending? If, so then she should have checked the date before booking. Unless it’s a very small wedding you can’t be the only one at this stage unable to make it.
I would go to your friends wedding. This is a prior engagement that you want to attend and that you have a role in which shows you have a close relationship with the couple.
that being said, you do need to be prepared that may be fall out from you not attending. I was unable to attend a Wedding if ILs. They hadn’t checked the date with me but took umbridge that I didn’t come. We are no NC.

In the wedding party or not, you go to your friend's wedding. I think it's totally off for someone to drop a wedding - or ANY invite - six weeks before the date. If your husband wants to give in, let him go.

If the in-laws want to make an issue of this, ask them if they'd like to reimburse you for hundreds of pounds you've already paid.

Well you’re wrong. Family, especially selfish nutbags like this lot, don’t “trump everything”.

I could rely on my friends way way more than several family members to have my back. Because we genuinely choose each other to be friends, not just cos we happen to be born in the same genetic soup.

You are in the wedding party, you can't back out now because your SIL is unorganised. Your PIL's attitude is awful and I would be pulling back from them too. Ask your DH if he would honestly pull out of a wedding he was in the wedding party for with 6 weeks notice, I expect he understands completely and is just being spineless.

I think this is the best compromise.

Six weeks notice and you are supposed to drop everything - I haven't heard anything so entitled
Be firm - you are in the wedding party and have been planning this for 6 months
If you are going to be bullied into attending by your in laws, tell then they are covering your lost costs and apologising to your friend - but they won't

How would sil feel if her friend cancelled under the same circumstances.

I’d give people 6weeks notice for a casual birthday party/bbq type event. If they are doing it all in a rush they have to accept some people won’t be able to make it, it’s unfortunate you have a prior commitment. I’d stick with my friends wedding personally.

You are already committed in that date. If they'd been that desperate for you to attend then they should have checked with you in advance.
The compromise is that your husband goes to the family wedding and you to your friend's but actually I'd be pretty hacked off with him if he did that.
What if you'd had an expensive exotic holiday booked? Would they and your husband have expected that to be cancelled too?

Go to your friends wedding. It's been planned for a long time and you committed to being in the wedding and paid a significant amount already. SIL only giving 6 weeks notice is crazy. I'd apologise but explain your situation and that the very short notice means you cannot change plans now

Have you made it clear you're going to your friends wedding yet?

So many people have said let DH go to SILs wedding but I know my friend will still be upset at the cancellation from DH. If it's inevitable then I am weighing up if it's a much of a muchness if we both cancel and go to SILs wedding as one is cancelling anyway. I paid for my bridesmaids dress anyway so she won't be out on that. I feel like I can't really win here.