To cancel going to friends wedding

[Watdidusay]

We have a close friends wedding to attend in 6 weeks. It's been booked about 6 months in advance. We've prepaid for travel, hotels, childminding and bought traditional clothing for the event. I'm in the wedding party.

Just received an invite to my SILs wedding today (DHs sister) for the same date. In 6 weeks time.
Different part of the country.

Family are all saying we have to cancel the other wedding. We are going to be out hundreds of £.

AIBU to go to family wedding instead just to make my life easier? Everyone is angry at me for even considering not going to DHs sisters wedding. I feel terrible.

What I am bemused about this is why you are so important to the family wedding. I like my in laws but if my husband’s brother’s wife couldn’t make it, I honestly wouldn’t have noticed. We get on very well but on the day she wouldn’t have been integral to our wedding. Sad if couldn’t have made it but completely different to if my best friend couldn’t make it.

I was brought up with the understanding that it’s extremely bad manners if you don’t stick with the commitment you made first.

So what if your in-laws are mad, they can be mad, doesn't mean you need to change your plans 🤷‍♀️ go to your friends wedding 💐

The polite convention is that you go to the event to which you have already accepted the invitation. You don’t blow them off for either a better offer or a disorganised sister in law. The only acceptable reason would be if someone, bride, groom or member of the immediate family, is terminally ill, though in that case they wouldn’t be waiting six weeks. Is she pregnant and wants to marry before the baby arrives?

Six weeks is very short notice for something like a wedding , also I am not looking at a calendar but isn’t it bang in the middle of half term when many people with children would have already made arrangements?

There is no option to vote go to friends wedding but husband attends his sister's wedding which is the logical best thing to do.

And on a positive note got double wear out of her wedding outfit! 🤗

If you book a wedding at very short notice you need to accept some people won’t be able to attend. This happened at my nephews wedding unfortunately.
You can’t cancel your friend, you must honour your original commitment. DH will have to go to his sisters wedding, if, after explaining to his family why you can’t go, they are still upset with you then so be it.
I’d bet diamonds that your friend will be a bigger support and advocate for you over your life time than your in-laws will be from the sounds of it!
Enjoy your friends special day xxx

I think you go to your friends wedding as planned and your DH goes to his sister’s.
You can’t let down your friend at such short notice when you’re supposed to be part of the wedding party.
Someone planning a wedding in 6 weeks time should really have checked dates with people they wanted to be there , or accept that some people won’t make it

If DH is pushing for you to go, I would point out to him that he's lucky that you are accepting of the fact that HE is going. It's already pretty rude of him to pull out of your friend's wedding at that notice and it would be pretty reasonable for you to be annoyed by it. Pulling out of an already made arrangement for a "better offer" is rude. Any time they comment about you not going I would be pointing that out to them all.

You go to your friends wedding as that is the right thing for you to do in this scenario.

Its slightly more tricky for your husband - i think going to his sisters wedding is the right thing for him (if they are close - otherwise, he has already accepted an invition to a wedding)

So you have a tricky SIL (boat rocker) who your PIL are scared off and so they use emotional blackmail to get you to be a boat steadier along with them.

The only way to deal with a boat rocker is to acknowledge that it is not you rocking the boat, but SIL, and you are not going to enable her behaviour. Say NO, and say it lots. I have a similar situation and I have learnt to say things like "that doesn't work for us, sorry" and "this is what WE (me, DH and DC) are doing". Once you start saying no, they lose all power over you.

That aside, in a tricky situation like this, I would let the RIGHT THING to do take the lead and the least fall out.

So, it sounds like your in-laws don't really like you that much TBH. So, whether you go to the wedding or not, you are still going to be the unappreciated DIL. What is worse for you, losing your friend, or your in-laws being upset? Which is worse?

You have committed to your friend's wedding. You should go. As a compromise, your DH should go to his sister's wedding.

Your SIL should have asked if everyone was free. 6 weeks is no lead time whatsoever. People could have been easily booked out. Is it a small low key wedding? If so, she should have asked about the date, and if people couldn't make it, she could have changed it to suit everyone.

Your SIL sounds like a bit of a nightmare, and if you don't stand your ground with her and your PIL, then this will just be rinse and repeat for as long as you are all around.

Well if your DH is afraid to stand up to his family he could go alone to sisters wedding and you attend your friends wedding as originally planned!

So your DH wants you to trash a friendship to appease an unreasonable last minute disorganised ask from his sister because he is worried about upsetting his parents and cannot stand up to any of them?

I'd be telling him that this kind of thing is about to change. Now. With your friends wedding.

ETA - I'd also point out that him being this much of wet blanket really isn't attractive. Bit of a turn off actually.

I was thinking the same.

Hello would freeze over before I went to sister in laws wedding in these circumstances. How dare your PIL feel they have any right to demand you change your plans, let alone throw a strop because you are doing the right thing and standing by a commitment to your friend.
I think you need to make it clear that this isn't even up for debate and YOU will be cutting them off if they don't respect your decision.

I haven't RTFT, but.. no way would I cancel going to the friend's wedding which you have spent a lot of money preparing for and agreed to attend six months ago. Don't let your family manipulate you into ditching your friend's wedding for your sister in law's wedding. Don't feel terrible - you have done nothing wrong. Family can be entitled and tyrannical.

My favourite etiquette columnist suggests the following approach.

Every single time your PILs or SIL bring the subject up, go on and on and on about how disappointed you are/were that you couldn't come, what a shame it was that you didn't know about SIL's wedding sooner, how you would definitely have gone to SIL's wedding if only you had known in time, how much fun it would have been if you could have come.

Bore them with your enthusiasm for the wedding. Leave them in no doubt that you think SIL's wedding is a high priority and you absolutely would have come if it had been possible.

Whenever they question your decision not to come, deflect them by agreeing what a tragedy it is that you couldn't, and start up again about how much you would have loved to be there. "If only I had KNOWN the wedding would be in October! Of course I never would have agreed to be in my friend's wedding if I had known. It's such a shame! It would have meant so much to me to be there. I'm so disappointed. What rotten luck that SIL's wedding was on the only weekend I couldn't come!"

You obviously go to your friends wedding, no question. Let DH go to his sisters, are your children expected to attend SILs wedding?

Don't cancel on your friend. Go alone and your husband goes to his sister's.

And deal with a lifetime of grief from her IL’s! Great advice

Bloody weddings, why don't people just go if and get married by themselves.

they all have a cheek but I think you should decide on the long term here. Deal with a lifetime of problems from IL’s or a friend dropping you. Tough one op.

I agree you need to explain you’d love to be there but you’re in rh4 wedding party and so you can’t let the bride down, but your husband will go to her wedding and you go to your friends,

You have a prior engagement. If SIL does this with 6 weeks notice, she can't expect everyone to be free. Your DH family are being extremely unreasonable.

Your DH should be supporting you in this. If your SIL wants you there that badly then she needs to change her date, as you have had this wedding arranged for the past 6 months.

dealing with a lifetime of in law problems need not be an option......