To cancel going to friends wedding

[Watdidusay]

We have a close friends wedding to attend in 6 weeks. It's been booked about 6 months in advance. We've prepaid for travel, hotels, childminding and bought traditional clothing for the event. I'm in the wedding party.

Just received an invite to my SILs wedding today (DHs sister) for the same date. In 6 weeks time.
Different part of the country.

Family are all saying we have to cancel the other wedding. We are going to be out hundreds of £.

AIBU to go to family wedding instead just to make my life easier? Everyone is angry at me for even considering not going to DHs sisters wedding. I feel terrible.

Of course you don't bail on a longstanding and important commitment to your friend. Why is your husband's family more important than her, particularly given they sound like wankers?

Maybe cut out the middle and message SIL direct and say that you have been committed to being in your friend’s wedding party for months and will not be letting her down and so you are unable to attend her recently announced wedding.
DH can decide what he does - but not what you do. He’s asked you - you are committed to your friend ( who does not deserve to have her wedding disrupted by SIL’s poor planning/ communication).
PILs will go on forever whether you go or not now so you may as well be hung for a sheep as it were!

Honestly they can bugger off

I’d go to friends wedding and DH go to his sisters.

Lots of people are just voting based on the thread title which is 'AIBU to cancel going to friend's wedding?'. Posters are voting that she would be unreasonable to cancel going to her friend's wedding.

Your in the wedding party you can't pull out now and let her down. 6 weeks is too short notice. I am sure you won't be the only one who says they can't go. You go to your friends wedding and your husband can go to his sister's.

I think some people have answered the poll incorrectly, or maybe I have, as i haven't read one suggesting you pull out of your friend's wedding. You have committed to go to a wedding where you are part of the wedding party. It is completely unreasable of your inlaws to try to coerce you into attending and your PIL sound abusive. Continually not standing up to them will make them worse and I'm afraid your DH sounds weak.

His happened to my aunt, her niece was getting married and her dh’s daughter was getting married on the same day. . Thankfully it was all happening within 5 miles of each other so she came to my cousins ceremony, then got a taxi to her dh’s daughters ceremony than came back to my cousins for the meal(she missed all the photos) then got a taxi after the first dance to go to the other wedding. What a day of toing and froing but she made it to see both get married!

You going to your friend's wedding and DH going to his sisters instead of accompanying to your friend's as planned is ALREADY a perfectly nice compromise, please don't budge.

Your DH wants you to ditch your friend to pander to his unreasonable family. You appear ready to do so not to rock the boat. It's worth remembering that friends are important if relationships fail down the line, and your husband wanting you to break commitments like this would be a red flag for me tbh.

I would go to your friend's. My DH would also insist on going to friend's wedding. He would tell his sister that they should have planned their wedding better!

Not trying to be flippant but I don't know why this is in any way a difficult decision. You've already committed to another wedding which you want to go to. You and your DH. SIL is being patently unreasonable announcing her wedding so last minute and ILs in trying to bully you both into going. DH needs to say that you two are already compromising by him missing your friend's wedding. They cannot ask for more than that. If they keep trying to bully the two of you he won't go to SIL's wedding either. And mean it! I would start though by DH explaining the situation to SIL. If she is ok with it then PILs can be told to back the fuck off.

This is a difficult situation for your DH as he has to deal with his parents trying to bully him. It should not be for you. Tell him quite clearly it is non-negotiable because you are already committed to your friend's wedding and you can't let her down any more than he can not go to SIL's wedding. If SIL is so desperate for you to go she can move her wedding date, given it was clearly only just arranged. Oh it wasn't recently arranged? Then SIL could and should have given more notice. Still not your fault. I suspect PILs are flapping and SIL probably won't much care. Fingers crossed. But either way DH needs to be assertive and hold his boundaries.

you have already made all the arrangements
they can continue to be angry

Yeah the poll can be taken either way. I read the end AIBU to go to the family wedding and I put AIBU to go to it. Friends wedding should stand (as least for you, your DH can make his own mind up).

your sil should have given you more notice. Go to the wedding your friend’s wedding.

I would say that this is the downside of only giving 6 weeks notice and not checking dates with you first. Go to your friend’s wedding. If SIL cared that much that you were there, she would have checked dates before booking.

That's their problem, not yours.

If your SIL is arranging a last minute wedding her and her fiancé should, at the least, check close family can come on that date. Otherwise they have to accept that people will have to miss it

This

But really, this is for your DH to sort. He needs to grow a spine.

Maybe if you stick to your original plans and go to your friends wedding, you might be doing your PILs a favour as it shows she doesn't always get her way.

You go to the friends wedding you are part of the party and it was booked and planned well in advance.

At most your dh goes to his sisters wedding alone but even then that’s still rude of him to pull out for a “better offer”.

It’s not an emergency which would be understandable it’s a last minute wedding for no reason other than they finally decided to wed.

Honestly this is easy. You have made a commitment to your friend and she has planned her wedding involving you in the wedding party. You are not just a guest, you would be seriously letting her down by bailing on her. Your DH and his family are wholly unreasonable to ask it of you. I actually think your DH should go to the friend's wedding too and that SIL should rearrange if she wants you both at hers but that is by the by.

I would go to friend’s wedding and send DH to sister’s wedding. Who the hell books a wedding for 6 weeks and expects people to potentially cancel plans and holidays? There’s a reason people send save the dates!

This is a lose-lose situation. Since you have paid out for friend’s wedding and you are in the wedding party, it would be shit to let them down. I think the best you can do is go to both separately

Stop caring that they are angry. It’s not a you problem.
you can’t stop them being angry unless you ditch your friend and lose the friendship.
just let them be angry and carry on, it’s not that hard

you say to DH that he can choose which wedding he goes to - prepare your friend in advance that you may be alone, or alone with DCs - but that you are keeping to your commitment to your friend.

You are also showing your children how to keep to a commitment.

TBH i'd be no contact with SIL and follow DHs lead on contact with his parents under those circs. How often do you see them? does he take the DCs to visit without you? (because if not, it will put the willies up them, possibly, to know that their relationship with your DCs could be in jeopardy. Don't articulate this clearly, let them work it out)

If a close friend/bridesmaid bailed on my wedding to attend the wedding of someone else who couldn’t even be bothered to send out their invites in a decent time then I would be fuming and it would genuinely risk our friendship. Presumably it won’t just be you who is out of pocket, but your friends too, if they have already paid for your meal, dress/hair/make-up, gifts, etc. Don’t let your family bully you, you’re an adult and need to stand up for yourself.