To cancel going to friends wedding

[Watdidusay]

We have a close friends wedding to attend in 6 weeks. It's been booked about 6 months in advance. We've prepaid for travel, hotels, childminding and bought traditional clothing for the event. I'm in the wedding party.

Just received an invite to my SILs wedding today (DHs sister) for the same date. In 6 weeks time.
Different part of the country.

Family are all saying we have to cancel the other wedding. We are going to be out hundreds of £.

AIBU to go to family wedding instead just to make my life easier? Everyone is angry at me for even considering not going to DHs sisters wedding. I feel terrible.

Yes. Agree.

You go to your friend’s, DH goes to his sister’s. There is no other reasonable solution.

You are in a no win situation, someone is going to be mad at you. Please just enjoy the day with your friend. Do not be a total pushover and give into your completely unreasonable in laws. If you do, you will lose your friendship, probably have a crap day, and in laws will probably find a way to be mad at you anyway. Booked 6 weeks in advance..i wouldnt be suprised if they end up cancelling for one reason or another.

You go to your friends wedding.

You choose your friends but you inherited that family from DH. He can go to his sister’s wedding if he feels that strongly about it.

If I were the friend I’d struggle to forgive you if you dropped out now for this reason.

I agree.

Irrespective of the other wedding, you were expected simply to drop all plans that you had to go to a wedding 6 weeks away? How did they know you could even get work holiday to do this? How did they know you hadn’t booked your own weekend away? The whole thing is bonkers.

This. It’s nonsense to spring a wedding with six weeks notice and then expect you to disrupt another wedding and lose a ton of money.

I got married in 1974 and we set the date 8 months ahead of time. It wasn't a big or special wedding, it was just what we (and many others) did. "Save the date" wasn't done then but everyone who we wanted to be there was told. Actual invitations went out 2 months before the wedding. This was long before the laws changed on where you could be married and also weekday church weddings were less common so if you wanted a church wedding on the date you wanted, you did have to book early.

Who will be looking after SIL children at her wedding? Is there an ulterior motive to have you there.

it hasn’t been a tradition for a long time.

save the dates go out a year in advance usually (or of less the earliest opportunity) and 3 months was the usual time to send out invites (and that was 25 years ago when I got married).

6 weeks may have been 60 years ago or more when people walked to their local church and had reception in the church hall.

the reasonable solution is that both the OP and her husband choose what they want to do and then they do it.

Stay firm. This has been planned for a long time and you are in the wedding party. The date is already taken and that's the end of it.

as I said upthread, we were married 52 years ago and it wasn't traditional then. I didn't walk to the church I got married in, but we could have done, could definitely have walked to the reception venue.

Guilt. Honestly. It’s inbred. I was chatting to a friend the other day and we said from the moment we land and till the moment we leave, our stomachs don’t relax from the guilt. Which is why I only go if I have to. But then the opposite of that is that family are always there for you, no questions asked. When my dc was well over there on their own, I just needed to make one call and everything was sorted till I could get there.

I had 2 best friends from two different friendship groups get married on the same day.
one had asked me to officiate for her day and other a bridesmaid. I’d informally agreed to both based on it being over a year away then the invites came 6m before.

it was hard but luckily in the same town so I spoke to both, they both understood. I offered to step down as bridesmaid and officiate (fake role for show as they’d got married abroad) and went to both.

In your shoes, I’d be going to friends but I’d insist that the others go to SIL - husband and kids. Who cares with your in laws think now, the fact that you haven’t agreed yet means they already think less of you as they’re that kind of couple. If you go, they’ll only spout how you’re only there under duress. So just go and then DH can explain your situation.

Also good manners.

Give your DH the same message as in laws. No. you have a prior longstanding commitment and are in the wedding party. You will not be lettting down your friend last minute.

please don’t keep asking as the answer will be the same. He can pass on your best wishes to the happy couple.

I don't get why DH can't make their choice as well? I mean I know he's currently saying please go to my sisters wedding but I wonder what his choice would be if (when) his wife says she is not going?

Of course you shouldn’t cancel going to your friends wedding. Your PiL are over stepping. If your husband wants to go to his sisters wedding fine, (though I wouldn’t in his shoes), but you should be able to stick with your original plan guilt free. And no it’s not normal to share your calendar with wider family, but it is normal to check availability if you plan a major life event with 6 weeks notice

i think you’re right. It’s more about DH as it doesn’t sound as if SIL and OP are friends or they even like each other that much.

Friends wedding without a doubt. Your family are being ridiculous

Whatever the reason, you’ve made a commitment and can’t attend SIL’s wedding because neither of you are free.

Family doesn’t trump friends. PIL’s probably know they’re wrong but are getting grief from SIL, especially if she has form for this, and it’s easier to try and guilt you in to going, than stand up to her.

Both you and your DH need to honour the original commitment. It being your friend’s wedding, you being part of the wedding party is MASSIVE, your friendship would never recover and the relationship with SIL sounds non existent (and your PIL’s sound hard work).

Feeling your pain. Really tough one. I didn’t attend a friends funeral because it was my uncles funeral. It was the right decision but it hurt. whatever you do is wrong in this situation and your SIL has put you in a really difficult situation. Can you just go to the day of your friends wedding and then travel for the evening? What a nightmare

People must be confused when voting - the poll doesn't reflect the opinions in the thread.
I find the idea of pulling out of a wedding party at such short notice, to go to another, utterly appalling.
DH needs to stand up for you and go to SIL's alone.

Thanks. It’s good to hear that there are benefits to that because that sounds exhausting!

For the OP, I seriously doubt her PIL would offer her that same loyalty and commitment.

I think it’s often a toss up between feeling guilt or resentment.

I find guilt passes sooner than resentment so I’m trying really hard now I’m older, to really think about what matters to me and what I want and need - after a lifetime of guilt, obligation, fear organising me and then resentment eating me up. It’s a battle though.