To cancel going to friends wedding

[Watdidusay]

We have a close friends wedding to attend in 6 weeks. It's been booked about 6 months in advance. We've prepaid for travel, hotels, childminding and bought traditional clothing for the event. I'm in the wedding party.

Just received an invite to my SILs wedding today (DHs sister) for the same date. In 6 weeks time.
Different part of the country.

Family are all saying we have to cancel the other wedding. We are going to be out hundreds of £.

AIBU to go to family wedding instead just to make my life easier? Everyone is angry at me for even considering not going to DHs sisters wedding. I feel terrible.

Absolutely. There were a few people that didn’t come to mine because we didn’t book it far enough in advance. Things that could have been cancelled. I was quietly a little hurt but would never dream of telling them - it’s life. My wedding wasn’t the centre of everyone’s universe. And that’s ok.

So your 'family trumps everything' mantra means that it's fine for OP's PILs to bully her simply because she already has a long-standing important commitment that she doesn't want to break?

Some families are utterly toxic and your mawkish 'but it's faaaamily' bullshit just enables bullies and abusers.

I would go to friends wedding. You have already committed to it and would be letting her down. Was dh invited to friends wedding too? If he wanted to go to his sisters wedding i would be fine with that but let friend know and offer to pay for his place if it’s too late to change anything. Presumably dh could also take kids.
If people really want you at their event they make sure you are free before they book.
When it was dn christening sil wanted to book it on a weekend I was already away (all paid for) I explained why I was busy and sil changed the date as she wanted me there.

Yes. Good point. Very good point.

Totally agree. The ‘family trumps everything’ is why people remain in toxic relationships with family even when it does them significant harm. Yes, loyalty and support for family is positive but only in healthy family relationships and pressuring someone to do something they don’t want to do by using anger is not healthy. It’s toxic.

Well maybe your DH can contact your friend and tell her that his parents are bullying you into attending his sister's massively short-notice wedding and because he is such a spineless mummy's boy, he is supporting his toxic parents and insisting that OP attends his sister's wedding.

I'd be absolutely fuming with him and it would strengthen my resolve to attend your friend's wedding despite the attempts by your bullying PILs and your spineless DH to pressure you into submission.

I don’t even think you should divide. You and DH are booked to go to friend’s wedding, and SIL + parents are being ridiculous,

Family trumps everything is mafia bollocks,

Ethics should trump everything including family behaving badly.

You have committed to the first invite. It would be very rude to cancel it in favour of another.

Can you explain why you’d go against what you wanted and what is morally right (a commitment has been made to the friend - first) please? What’s the motivation? What’s the driver? What would the consequences be if you didn’t. Why would you not feel
Able to exercise free will? No judgement. I’m just curious.

One of my life mottos is to always go to the event you were invited to first and have accepted. It's poor behaviour to renege on plans that have been accepted and organised. I really do feel for you as it sounds like you're being put under a lot of pressure, but you're absolutely in the right to continue your plans and your sis in law and parents in law are being ridiculous. Unfortunately, it sounds like you'll forever be the bad person in all of this but how ludicrous to send out invites 6 weeks prior. It's a shame your husband isn't being more supportive..I do hope you stick to your guns.

If OP's SIL's short-notice wedding was due to major health/medical reasons, there would be some justification for the short notice and expectation that close family would attend.

There is no such compelling reason in OP's case. It's obviously a pattern of selfish and entitled behaviour by SIL and bullying behaviour by PILs to ensure that SIL always gets what she wants even at massive inconvenience to other members of the family.

@Watdidusay you seem to be ignoring all the posters who have suggested that you attend your friend's wedding and your husband attends his sister's wedding. That is the obvious thing to do.

So what if your PILs bitch about you? They will get over it and your husband will need to "man up" and explain to his family that you couldn't not attend your friend's wedding as you were part of the wedding party and had already committed to it.

I wouldn't be risking my friendship by dropping out of such a close and committed wedding to appease people like this.

They can have their son there, that's a reasonable compromise, but they don't get to dictate you and risk your friendships over it.

It seems your SIL is a bit of a tyrant.

I think that deep down your PIL know that, should the shoe be on the other foot, it would be really bad manners to cancel a long standing wedding commitment to a friend at such short notice. They are scared of the wrath of their daughter and are desperate for everything to go smoothly for her without any hiccups which would cause all round family stress. Their anger with you is part of their defence, knowing full well their daughter will demand they are on her side.

Your DH is so entrenched in this rotten family dynamic that he can’t see the wood for the trees. The potential family stress of the fall out is making him falter.

It would be wrong to cancel the long standing commitment you have made. You already recognise that.
It would also be wrong to crumble under the wrath of your in laws who are too scared to show you any understanding.
If her family never say no to her, no wonder SIL expects everybody to meet her timetable demands.

Your DH must follow his own instincts on this.

But you should be prepared to confidently face the fall out of declining SIL’s invitation for yourself, knowing that’s the right thing to do. And also be prepared to go to the original wedding on your own.

To be fair

6 weeks was traditionally the time frame for wedding invites to be sent out. Times have changed though and I realise that weddings are far bigger functions now with 2/3 years planning

hen parties a year before, whereas the stag and hen do where literally the night before the wedding - the last night of freedom

tricky situation for you op

"could have been cancelled" but that was not your call to make.

You go to friends, dh goes to his sisters. They can be upset but they should have given more notice. You are going to need to stand strong op. Your friend matters to you too.

I get that it’s cultural but I guess what I’m asking is about the personal experience of that. What’s the motivator to go along with the cultural norm? Is it fear of judgement? Fear of being ostracised? Fear of punishment? Internalised shame - if you don’t conform you are bad in some way?

I mean, in your example there was a valid reason for the short notice so it’s different.

But I guess I’m trying to understand what drives us to go along with cultural or family norms/pressure? I wonder what the OP is feeling that has her sat on the fence when it seems so clear to me that it’s first come, first served. If I’ve made a commitment and would be letting someone down to change plans, then the feeling of guilt about letting someone down would drive me to say no. As well as my own preferences and the money already spent.

I think perhaps people aren’t sure which way to vote to say go to the friends wedding, because the actual comments are 99% friends wedding.

Your husband is scared of his toxic family and the best thing you can do (even if it doesn’t feel like it) is go to your friends wedding because you accepted the invite first. Explain to him you won’t be ditching her wedding to appease a pack of bullies and he has the choice to come with you or go to his sister’s wedding alone.
Stand up to your in laws and tell them they are not the centre of the universe, you did change plans as their son went to his sisters wedding and they are being completely unreasonable.

You 100% go to friend’s wedding

dh can go to his sister’s

Yes. Absolutely. That’s what I mean. They could have made the choice to cancel their other plans but didn’t (it wasn’t other weddings or anything) and although I felt a little hurt I understood that it’s their choice and they had made plans already. It’s like a close friend didn’t come to my dad’s funeral because they had plans. The plans could have been changed but again, even though I felt hurt not to be made a priority - I recognise that I have no given right to expect to be the priority. It is up to them. I’d never dream of trying to coerce them into a different decision.