To cancel going to friends wedding

[Watdidusay]

We have a close friends wedding to attend in 6 weeks. It's been booked about 6 months in advance. We've prepaid for travel, hotels, childminding and bought traditional clothing for the event. I'm in the wedding party.

Just received an invite to my SILs wedding today (DHs sister) for the same date. In 6 weeks time.
Different part of the country.

Family are all saying we have to cancel the other wedding. We are going to be out hundreds of £.

AIBU to go to family wedding instead just to make my life easier? Everyone is angry at me for even considering not going to DHs sisters wedding. I feel terrible.

You already paid and booked, you go to the one you committed to first

Shes a close friend, you’re in the wedding party and you’ve already confirmed?! No you cannot let her down! If you do she will not forgive you! You’ll have to decide if it’s worth breaking your friendship for your sil? Because that will happen. Your sil is crazy to announce her wedding only 6 weeks away. She should have texted close friends and family the date as soon as she’d booked it. What does your husband think? Would you both attend separately?

Of course you can’t cancel your friend’s wedding. DH family are being very unreasonable

I suppose if she were a traditionalist, etiquette dictates that wedding invites do go out 6-8 weeks before the date.
But she’s got kids and been engaged for ages so cherry picking tradition is bollocks.

You can’t let your friend down.
Your husband has the choice.
Asking you to let your friend down is only to make life easier for him.

You don’t owe any of his family an explanation but if it makes you feel better, you could speak to them and set out your stall in a calm and measured manner and then let them deal with how they feel about it 🤷🏼‍♀️

Id go to friends wedding sil is an idiot

This would not be a difficult one for me, I’d go to my close friend’s wedding as planned! Of course your SIL will be disappointed, you can be sympathetic to that, but it would be so unfair on your friend to do anything else. The thing I’ve learnt over the years is that people who rant and rage about things like this- would absolutely make the same decision as you when it affected them! You will wreck your friendship over this otherwise OP, you can be sure your SIL wouldn’t choose you over a close friend!

Let them be angry. Dont let them guilt trip you into changing your plans. Blood is not always thicker than water.

If you arrange a wedding with only 6 weeks notice, you surely expect that loads of people will not being available because we all have busy lives

SIL obviously doesn’t care if you cant come otherwise she would have worked around her brother

You are in the wedding party - you can’t cancel on your friend now. That could spoil her day. You know it’s not unreasonable to go to your friends wedding.

Your SiL and family are the unreasonable ones here. if DH is desperate to go then tell him to go on his own. If his family are upset with you just let them.

Your DH and Pil might be making you feel awful but on the flip side, do you want to lose your friendships either?

If you are in the bridal party, its not like its a work college or non close friend. That friend or even friends could fall out / end the friendship with you if you cancel now. Would the fall out be worth it to keep pil happy?

DH putting pressure on you is clearly coming from his parents, so you think apart from getting it in the neck from them he would really mind you missing sil wedding?

Id be telling the inlaws I couldnt go. Unless it was a shotgun wedding for terminal illness.

You have a prior commitment, so you need to decline the new invitation. Tell your SIL ASAP so she has the option to change the date. Unfortunate but why did she not tell her family months ago??

You go to your friends wedding obviously.
Do not lose friendships for any of these people.
Just stand up for yourself and stay firm.

In this instance I would have messaged straight back that the date doesn't work for you as you already have your friends wedding that day. Everything has been booked and paid for. If they can't change the date or are unwilling to then dh goes to his sister's wedding and you go to your friend's. I would have made it clear that is the only compromise you are willing to make. However, I don't like pandering to inconsiderate people and the fact that your sil just expected you to be available without checking the date worked would have got my back up. My sibling is getting married next year and ran potential dates by us.

The other solution is that you pander to the inlaws and go to sil's wedding. Your friend might understand if you phone, explain and apologise but you risk losing a friendship.

Let them be. You have plans on that date and are part of the wedding party. Too bad sil left it late to arrange her wedding. Dh can do as he pleases.

just to say we got engaged and married within 5 months (no I wasn’t pregnant) and we ran the dates by close family to make sure we picked a time where the people closest to us were available.

Well op it’s pretty clear what the MN posse think. What do you think - you’ve been pretty quiet on which way you are leaning so far. FWIW I think you will deeply regret it if you go to sil’s wedding over friend’s. You’ll lose for sure what is presumably a long-standing, important friendship (plus others, because people will be shocked if you let your friend down at this late stage), you’ll likely have a crap day, and the in-laws will be mad anyway. Your DH needs to stand up for you btw, not be a pathetic woose with his family. What are you going to do? Do let us know.

Agree with this - sorry but 6 weeks notice is selfish and unreasonable and an expectation that people may have already booked holidays or have work trips booked should have been anticipated. You’d sent money, you will lose money. You are a member of the wedding party and common courtesy is that you are bound by prior commitments.

If she wanted her brother and his family to be there she should have checked the date with him. No, I would stick to my guns and state you cannot make it and accept the fall out.

Can SIL change the time of the wedding?
Can your DH take a flight?
Regardless, phoning imediately to tell SIL of the clash is sensible.

True. But usually "save the dates" go out before the actual invitations so people have more than 6 weeks notice. I spoke to close family and my bridesmaids before I booked my wedding to make sure the date suited everyone. If there are certain people you really want to be there to the point you would be upset if they didn't attend then you should check the date with them first. If you don't do that you have to accept that they may have other plans.

Haven't read the full thread yet but my gut reaction is you'll need friends when your divorce comes through go to thenfriend wedding 😅

I'm not wishing divorce on you but if your husband can't turn round and tell his sister she's a knob for only 6 weeks notice and that the rest of the family need to shut up he won't protect you in the aftermath of this whatever you do.

ETA just read your last post where your husband has asked if you'll just go to SILs wedding to save face 🫣 sorry I've called it. Go to your friends wedding.

I would go to your friend's wedding as you have paid for everything and it was planned long in advance.

6 weeks notice for a wedding is rather unusual and she can't expect everyone invited to have no existing commitments for that day.

At best your husband could make the decision to go to your SIL while you go to your friend's but you should not change your plans.

What does SiL and partner say about it? I get that PiL are angry but is she? It doesn't make a difference tbh, you should go to friends wedding for the reasons everyone has already stated.

Too late to back out of the friends wedding now. And 6 weeks is far too short notice for either event! You go to your friends, DH goes to his sisters and he needs to have your back on this one!

The vote is confusing because after reading OPs posts, you are inclined to vote that she is not BU to choose her friend’s wedding - unless you check again and see how it is worded and that you need to vote that she would be BU to cancel her friend’s wedding …I’m confused just trying to word this. You can never please people like your unreasonable SIL and your in-laws and even your DH who apparently will do anything for an easy life including trying to make you do a bad thing to a friend rather than standing up to his sister. It’s bad form for your DH to pull out of a wedding invitation but understandable as it’s his sister. If you pull out of being a bridesmaid to placate these people would you really forgive yourself and them for putting you in that position? Don’t make it about the money, just keep repeating “I can’t pull out of being a bridesmaid” and you may need to block/snooze the in-laws for a few weeks if they won’t stop banging on about it. Good luck!

Simply put your ils don't own your time or how you spend it.

but its not traditional.

What is ettiquette and also good manners which is not quite the same, is not binning off an accepted invitation for a later one.