AIBU to tell a male friend his attitude is the problem in dating?

[ByRoseSnake]

For context, I have a male friend of many years who I did briefly date (approx. 3 months, 2 years ago), although it didn't work out. We broke up amicably, but as a romantic partner, it absolutely could never have worked due to fundamental differences in values, lifestyle, politics, emotional avoidance and a rigidity to routine that I just couldn't cope with.

Ever since we broke up, we've continued to meet as friends every month or so, just for a walk or a drink (you can throw me to the wolves if you believe this was a stupid idea haha). We have both continued to date other people, so often discuss that, alongside other topics.

Over the past year, I've noticed a huge shift in him - he has clearly become seriously bitter about women and his lack of success in dating. He has started complaining about women, outrightly objecting the concept of feminism and claiming that women have all the power (to the point we have almost had huge arguments), making claims that the women he has been dating are "too intense", "needy", "immature", "psychologically unstable" etc etc... 😫
He even started 'joking' that I was "erratic" and "full on" as a woman.

All this alongside making other offensive claims e.g. people who 'claim' to have ADHD are just 'retards'... (he argued this was a translation issue, as he is French, but I'm not convinced! FYI I have ADHD myself, so this was infuriating)
He has also 1) become completely obsessed with his body and gym routine, as he believes women are only interested in 6"2 men with a six pack, 2) studies dating app algorithms like it is a research project, and sadly, 3) completely lost his sense of humour.

Anyway, the last time I met up with him, I reached my limit and angrily snapped to ask him very bluntly "have you ever considered that the women you are dating are not the problem, but perhaps YOU are? Why would there be a pattern of women becoming anxious and leaving you because you aren't offering anything emotionally? Why would a woman feel safe staying with a man who outrightly tries to debunk feminism and women's rights? Why would a woman feel safe with someone wondering whether you are constantly judging their intellectual and emotional capacity? Are you SURPRISED that you're not having any success??" 😵

He didn't take it that well - and now I feel like a mean bitch.

It has been really painful to experience someone I considered a friend, respected and admired in terms of talents and their ability to love (albeit in a very practical way rather than the emotional depth I crave) fall down this worm hole. I wonder what they've been influenced by online, or by other men.

I'm so confused because he seems such a sensitive soul in many ways, and had a partner of 8 years before we dated, so it is clearly not impossible for him to form a long-term relationship.

AIBU to have criticised him directly about his attitude, or have i just added fuel to the fire?

Honestly I’m stuck on the fact that you found time every month to hang out with a man you had no values, politics or lifestyle in common with and for a full year after he started being hateful to women you hung in there.

Manoshphere nonsense. Don’t take any more shit from him. You did nothing wrong.

emotional avoidance and a rigidity to routine that I just couldn't cope with.

Well it sounds like the nuts and bolts were already there. Online apps are going to be brutal if you lack social ease.

He’s chosen to be radicalised by the woman hating manosphere.

And you are right it becomes a vicious circle. As he embraces misogyny, then more women are turned off, so he faces more rejection and gets more bitter and misogynistic etc.

(Well apart women who have a strong internalised misogyny / self-esteem / who are desperate. He may well do with them.)

He is not your friend.

He has put you on the ‘back boiler’. In his head you are being kept in reserve for when he is short of dating options. He is telling you all these things about his dating life because he is hoping that you will want to show that you are ‘not like all the other girls’.

raise the bar. Every minute she spent with him is a minute of your life that you will never get back again.

Sounds like you are both pretty frank about your opinions. And don't like each other very much.

Why are you wasting your time going for walks with this man you have nothing in common with, and who sounds like he’s been reading the incel manifesto?

He's using you OP to prop up his own image.
He's not your friend and certainly he does not care about you.

I don't go on the main thread, I mean the multiple posts where women have struggled with OLD.

Update: after consideration and reflection, I made the decision yesterday evening to send a concise message and close the 'friendship'.
I explaining that I no longer felt comfortable or indeed 100% safe maintaining contact with him, as his shift in views had gone beyond basic political differences and were now veering into an attitude of contempt (read: degradation and outright insults) towards myself and other women. I no longer feel like a friend to you, wishing you all the best in dating and career, yadda yadda

Well, I think he's confirmed all our suspicions!
He sent an angry face emoji, followed by "sounds like you're having a heavy night on the town..." (implying I was pissed to high heaven with my 'girlfriends' and thinking irrationally... for the record, I was at home in my new pyjamas browsing potential rescue cats to adopt haha)

'Friendship' officially over. I'm not prepared to continue entertaining a man who could potentially start damaging my self-esteem and psychological wellbeing.

Great job @ByRoseSnake

His response confirms your decision as he responded with if not disdain then condescension 💛🧡💛

In response to posters asking why I continued to meet with him for so long, the process of this change in him was really gradual. It was only in the last 2-3 meet ups that alarm bells started ringing. 1 year ago, I put his relational style down to a military upbringing (obsessed with routine and discipline) and simply being a bit more conservative than myself.

Fast forward to this year and it had progressed very slowly but then suddenly into this. He clearly doesn't see women as humans or individuals with free-thinking; he also claims he's a hereditarian and believes that other races and ethnicities are inferior/can't do certain jobs that others do, hates 'fat' people and believes they should have an extra government tax...

I cannot fathom how I even went back to meet him once, let alone twice after this started coming out. I guess I naively thought our sparring matches could change his views, or that having a female friend might be beneficial

I am done trying to save any more men now 💀

I think others were unfair to criticise you. Sounds like you have known him for a while and only recently has the shift in his beliefs reallly made itself known. Not surprised he’s racist too. This manosphere redpill blokes usually are.

Yes, I had known him for several years alongside his ex partner. It was a shock to witness this unfold.

Someone else asked his age - he's approaching 40, and I suspect somewhat of a mid life/identity crisis has hit him I.e. panicking that he'll be left on the shelf for the rest of his life. I guess separating from an 8yr partner in your late 30s, dating someone you know briefly and then ending suddenly might cause that panic.

No excuse to be a misogynistic, racist, fat phobic cunt, though.

Last time I saw him he said he'd been expanding his pool on dating apps and was now seeing women for dates as young as 25... forgive me if anyone here has had a successful relationship with that age difference, but it sounds like a recipe for disaster. I did tell him such. And also that it flies in the face of his criticism of women being 'immature' 😑

Anywho, I have no input in this anymore!!

'No excuse to be a misogynistic, racist, fat phobic cunt, though.'

Yes!

He sounds like a groupie of the Markles - everybody else's fault but his.
Try not to worry over much, you did the right thing.

There’s an interesting post of IG that showed 4 stages of muscly to women. Not one chose stage 4. Hardly any chose 3. So if you find it you could send him that (as a final nail).

He's not your problem. He's an adult, let him get on with it. This incel nonsense will result in a lot of lonely men who won't have partners and, hopefully, will not father any children. Gradually they will die out.....

This man is an incel.

Do you wish to continue to be friends with an incel?

Is it in your best interests to maintain the friendship?

OP apologies if I missed it, are you still single?
I had a similar ‘friend’, then I met my DH and it was like the scales fell from my eyes.
Some men like to tell themselves that having female friends makes them a good guy. Ex used to like to introduce his exes to his current partner, it was like he had a platonic harem. Notably he used to talk to his GF about his “best female friend” as a kind of counter to his romantic relationship, to make her insecure, like he had much closer relationships with other women.
If this rings any bells maybe think about what he’s getting out of this relationship. When I had a partner I stopped having time for him, just didn’t see him again.

Well done @ByRoseSnake and congratulations on your soon to be newly adopted rescue cat (or cats!) Deserving of your time and compassion. Even most feral cats can be tamed with love and understanding, broken men like your ex friend aren't even worth trying. Although I would support a TNR program for them too 😂

In absence of that; hopefully, if he has lowered his age range on dating apps that means he will encounter a younger generation that are even less tolerant of his misogynistic attitude and he will remove himself from the gene pool at least.

Yep I just left a man with a harem.

Triangulation all the way!

Lord….

Interesting. I wonder if they have other things in common. Maybe there’s a type?

FF (former friend) took as the highest praise an assumption that he might be gay, as though it was proof that he was a higher male life form (but really more of a wolf in sheep’s clothing). Similarly: tells everyone he has daughters. Saw himself as edgy and refined, beyond the baser appetites of knuckle draggers, but also ‘working class’ (er no) and kinky 🙄

My intuition said no early on. I let him convince me the 1:1s with the harem were only because he was single.

You can imagine how true that was.

I think it's somewhere in the sales pitch/pick up artist/narcissist/nice guy trope/eternal child arena.