AIBU to tell a male friend his attitude is the problem in dating?

[ByRoseSnake]

For context, I have a male friend of many years who I did briefly date (approx. 3 months, 2 years ago), although it didn't work out. We broke up amicably, but as a romantic partner, it absolutely could never have worked due to fundamental differences in values, lifestyle, politics, emotional avoidance and a rigidity to routine that I just couldn't cope with.

Ever since we broke up, we've continued to meet as friends every month or so, just for a walk or a drink (you can throw me to the wolves if you believe this was a stupid idea haha). We have both continued to date other people, so often discuss that, alongside other topics.

Over the past year, I've noticed a huge shift in him - he has clearly become seriously bitter about women and his lack of success in dating. He has started complaining about women, outrightly objecting the concept of feminism and claiming that women have all the power (to the point we have almost had huge arguments), making claims that the women he has been dating are "too intense", "needy", "immature", "psychologically unstable" etc etc... 😫
He even started 'joking' that I was "erratic" and "full on" as a woman.

All this alongside making other offensive claims e.g. people who 'claim' to have ADHD are just 'retards'... (he argued this was a translation issue, as he is French, but I'm not convinced! FYI I have ADHD myself, so this was infuriating)
He has also 1) become completely obsessed with his body and gym routine, as he believes women are only interested in 6"2 men with a six pack, 2) studies dating app algorithms like it is a research project, and sadly, 3) completely lost his sense of humour.

Anyway, the last time I met up with him, I reached my limit and angrily snapped to ask him very bluntly "have you ever considered that the women you are dating are not the problem, but perhaps YOU are? Why would there be a pattern of women becoming anxious and leaving you because you aren't offering anything emotionally? Why would a woman feel safe staying with a man who outrightly tries to debunk feminism and women's rights? Why would a woman feel safe with someone wondering whether you are constantly judging their intellectual and emotional capacity? Are you SURPRISED that you're not having any success??" 😵

He didn't take it that well - and now I feel like a mean bitch.

It has been really painful to experience someone I considered a friend, respected and admired in terms of talents and their ability to love (albeit in a very practical way rather than the emotional depth I crave) fall down this worm hole. I wonder what they've been influenced by online, or by other men.

I'm so confused because he seems such a sensitive soul in many ways, and had a partner of 8 years before we dated, so it is clearly not impossible for him to form a long-term relationship.

AIBU to have criticised him directly about his attitude, or have i just added fuel to the fire?

He sounds like a twat.

Please don't feel a mug. I dated one of these too. 8 weeks in he negged me and I walked away. He tried to get me to join his harem of exes too but I noped out. I consider myself bright enough but we're socialised to question ourselves and give multiple chances.

Time for you to do the same?

For god sake, women arent robots, when we're subjected to hateful, misogynistic bile, sometimes we lose our temper, you know, like any other human. That does not make her responsible for entrenching anything.

And this, OP, brilliantly nails why my ex has a harem of exes.

I wouldn't stress too much about a 2 year friendship with someone I used to date because I wouldn't really consider him a proper friend. Just fade him out or block. It's not worth dwelling on. He doesn't sound nice.

I really like this perspective.

An evolutionary correction.

Don't waste your time trying to reason with him. He doesn't care. He just wants a woman to target his bullshit at that won't immediately cut him off. That's what he's relying on.

The amount of men who, on first dates, have said this absolute drivel to me in some lame attempt to make me think ' gee, I had better not be one of those if I want him to like me'.
I've always left immediately to then receive a text about how I've misunderstood bla bla bla.

Male loneliness epidemic= consequences of their own actions.

You could try to help him, but why should you? Women are not here to help men be better people...unless that man is their son, and even then it is limited.

Sounds like he is punishing you after your breakup because he can. He absolutely thinks the same of you as he does his other short term relationships.

Calling him out was a great thing for you, you should not have to listen to any man's abusive tirades. It is unlikely to have made a difference to him in the slightest other than, as you already know, feed into his misogyny. You are not a bitch. He is not a good man.

Be free of him. Block him and let him scream into the void of other incels.

Why are you still friends with him?!

"2) studies dating app algorithms like it is a research project"

That's some niche shit

I'm getting the image of him in a dress shirt buttoned to the top, craned over a laptop at 2am in a dimly-lit room, comparing various bdating app codes in a text editor and then slamming his on the desk, mumbling to himself angrily, in a whiny, South Park-esque voice

He's not swallowed the red pill at all

The red pill has swallowed him

If only that were true for all of them. Just need to read some threads here to see violent abusive men having 5 children with two or more women, women trapped in a cycle of having children with multiple abusive men and then becoming targets for their traumatised and now violent sons.

Might take a few generations for the gene pool to be clear.

You told him the bald unfavourable truth. Good for you. No messing around. Hooray. Good on You. I wish I'd have been there to watch and listen. Gold Medal to you The Winner.

It's up to him now, isn't it!

I had a boyfriend like this years ago.Its borderline bullying. I cant even think about him now without feeling physically sick. He never hit me but he was awful. He felt he had to control my actions and thoughts because women were terrible and he didn't want me to be like that. If I refused sex he'd be horrible. The worst part was the lecture afterwards about women and his complaining because I didn't want him trying to hug and kiss me and spend time watching TV with him. Writing this and I'm cringing. I finally dumped him and he gave me an aggressive lecture on most of the points your 'friend' did . They don't want to change to be more attractive to women they think that women should just do what they want and be grateful. He really made and still does make my skin crawl. Then I had the years long character assassination from him. If our paths crossed he'd be polite but criticise what I was wearing, my dancing etc. Men like these are sickeningly vile. They'll never change because they think just being male makes them superior to any woman. Ewww.

Yep. The ex let slip that he thought he was doing women a favour by moving in with them. When he saw my expression he quickly changed it to "used to think".

Op, this reminds me of a recently ended thirty year friendship with an male friend from school , who left his wife and three teenage girls to come and live in a posh area near me describing it as his " New stomping ground", and confidently declaring that he would soon be " snapped up" 🙄Five years later, he has singularly failed to secure a girlfriend. He is bald, has an enormous paunch, and has become increasingly embittered. Just what is it about men ; to paraphrase Robert Burns, that often makes them so incapable of " Seeing ourselves as others see us..."?

Just wanted to say I'm French and there is no translation issue.

It's literally him calling people with ADHD 'retards' OP, it isn't a French thing.

I think no longer! I gave him the benefit of the doubt, remembering the person I met years ago who was open minded, generous and talented, and maybe fell into the trap of believing he might change if I stayed friends with him 🙃
It is easily done. Maybe friends no longer with him, but I don't want to stop being an empathic person.

This! Why are you so invested, you disagree with everything he comes out with re: women (rightly), you are just someone he emotionally offloads to. He has some very questionable views, and is becoming very bitter and grumpy! Who wants to spare their precious time listening to him ranting on and on, it will just drag you down, you need to move on from this friendship and spend time with more upbeat people

Thank you for clarifying this!!!!!! It was infuriating. I knew so well he was taking the piss and using 'translation' as an alibi.

What is it with these men collecting exes like Pokemon cards and then wanting to stay in contact?
It's a shame because when we first met, he was still in a long-term relationship and I got on well with both of them - they were lovely folks back then.
Quite telling that she disappeared for a job on the opposite side of the country and lost contact with everyone.

It’s scary and exactly why I think there needs to limitations on how often people can use social media.

The algorithm is literally brainwashing people but it does it in a way that you don’t realise you’ve fallen down a rabbit hole until you’re stuck and then you’re stuck in your binary views.

Look at what’s happening with the RNLI charity - the volunteers are being asked to not wear their uniform out in public because they’re getting verbally and physically attacked. Their addresses are being posted on the internet and people are being encourage to attack and intimidate them - people who volunteer their time and risk their lives to save the lives of other people!!

This world is becoming a very scary place and if you are a woman or minority, then we should be more concerned.

Some friends are for a reason, others for a season, and some for a lifetime.

At least you were just friends, imagine if you’d stayed together and ended up married to this gem.

Well you did what a real friend should, maybe it hurt him because he realised there’s some truth in it.

sadly, we are moving towards a post-truth world

the once-shared, consensus-based reality of known facts, objective thinking and a baseline of common understanding that existed for most of the last century and well into the first decade of the millenium has splintered,

it exists individually in the minds of those who try to hold on to it - every tried arguing with a conspiracy theorist using facts and links to peer-reviewed sources?

now people have instant access to many versions of polluted pseudo truths, as pedalled by the rich shysters

Tower of Babylon, courtesy of Zuckerburg, Musk, BP, Shell, Trump, Farage etc

@ByRoseSnake
He's turning into an incel before your very eyes?
As your "loyalty" for a friendship that once was is there no more
OK?