AIBU to tell a male friend his attitude is the problem in dating?

[ByRoseSnake]

For context, I have a male friend of many years who I did briefly date (approx. 3 months, 2 years ago), although it didn't work out. We broke up amicably, but as a romantic partner, it absolutely could never have worked due to fundamental differences in values, lifestyle, politics, emotional avoidance and a rigidity to routine that I just couldn't cope with.

Ever since we broke up, we've continued to meet as friends every month or so, just for a walk or a drink (you can throw me to the wolves if you believe this was a stupid idea haha). We have both continued to date other people, so often discuss that, alongside other topics.

Over the past year, I've noticed a huge shift in him - he has clearly become seriously bitter about women and his lack of success in dating. He has started complaining about women, outrightly objecting the concept of feminism and claiming that women have all the power (to the point we have almost had huge arguments), making claims that the women he has been dating are "too intense", "needy", "immature", "psychologically unstable" etc etc... 😫
He even started 'joking' that I was "erratic" and "full on" as a woman.

All this alongside making other offensive claims e.g. people who 'claim' to have ADHD are just 'retards'... (he argued this was a translation issue, as he is French, but I'm not convinced! FYI I have ADHD myself, so this was infuriating)
He has also 1) become completely obsessed with his body and gym routine, as he believes women are only interested in 6"2 men with a six pack, 2) studies dating app algorithms like it is a research project, and sadly, 3) completely lost his sense of humour.

Anyway, the last time I met up with him, I reached my limit and angrily snapped to ask him very bluntly "have you ever considered that the women you are dating are not the problem, but perhaps YOU are? Why would there be a pattern of women becoming anxious and leaving you because you aren't offering anything emotionally? Why would a woman feel safe staying with a man who outrightly tries to debunk feminism and women's rights? Why would a woman feel safe with someone wondering whether you are constantly judging their intellectual and emotional capacity? Are you SURPRISED that you're not having any success??" 😵

He didn't take it that well - and now I feel like a mean bitch.

It has been really painful to experience someone I considered a friend, respected and admired in terms of talents and their ability to love (albeit in a very practical way rather than the emotional depth I crave) fall down this worm hole. I wonder what they've been influenced by online, or by other men.

I'm so confused because he seems such a sensitive soul in many ways, and had a partner of 8 years before we dated, so it is clearly not impossible for him to form a long-term relationship.

AIBU to have criticised him directly about his attitude, or have i just added fuel to the fire?

I feel like weirdly as much as misogynist men claim to hate feminists they can't stay away. They have to get engagement, reactions, or something

Incel talk.

Urgh my ex was like this.

Really if it wasn’t for his disgusting attitude he would have been a very good catch. Surgeon, handsome, 6ft4. But he really seemed to hate woman.

I once blatantly asked him if his hatred to woman was down to his childhood trauma (suicidal mother who abandoned him). He went very quiet and couldn’t answer.

He seemed horrified that a single mother like myself would end things due to his cheating. One of the last times we spoke he said that it should be expected that ‘high value’ men like himself cheat. 😒

He’s now fat, middle aged, bald and still hasn’t settled down. Doesn’t have anything to do with our ds either (his choice).

Sounds like the manosphere has swallowed him whole. Avoid in future.

You were right to call him out.
A few years ago I might have said, he's had some bad experiences dating and cut him some slack.
After all, you read all the time on here "men are bastards" particularly on the OLD threads.
But with the emergence of manosphere twats, it could be much more serious than that.
If he's lost his sense of humour too, he's probably not offering much as a freind anymore.

@ByRoseSnake

You said your piece and good for you!! Now block him. He adds nothing to your life and is actually a 'peace disrupter' to your well being. We need to cultivate people who add to our friendship 'garden'. He's a weed that needs to be pulled out and tossed over the fence.

There is no reason for a 'followup' conversation or text exchange. Nor do you need to explain to him why you're blocking him. You just make yourself unavailable on all platforms. Because you could try and explain yourself until you're blue in the face and all you'll get is a blue face and a bad headache.

You’ve done him a kindness with your honesty.

No need to quote the entire OP in your reply! Especially the very first reply.

Because that evil c*nt Farage has dog whistled his followers to attack them.

People change. Why mention ADHD yet again? If you like him as a friend carry on. If not then move on.

I agree that he's taken the red pill.
Also, as someone who knows him well and who dated him for a short period, you're in a great position to be able to understand the problem.

Pretty sure we don't say that on the dating thread.

You what?

Ask him if all the men he’s ever known in his life who’ve been in relationships with women are all 6 foot 4 Adonis type millionaires !

I used to work with someone who had no end of problems with the dating scene/GF's etc. And I did actually turn around and say to him:
What do all these women have in common? He looked at me blankly and I just said
You!
He took it with humour, but he said it was just the type of women he picked.

Well done on calling him out. It amazes me that these men say they despise women, then spend every waking hour in the gym to make themselves more physically attractive to the very women they claim to despise. If only there was some sort of gym for improving the state of their personality...

💯 absolutely.

I think you absolutely did the right thing. If he listens and makes an effort to change (unlikely, I know) then you’ll have done a friend a favour and shaken him out of this insane mindset, meaning you can stay friends with him and don’t have to listen to his rubbish anymore. If he doesn’t listen, then you’ve done yourself a favour because you now don’t have to listen to his rubbish any longer. Either way, you don’t have to listen to his rubbish anymore.

I don’t think some of these men even need to be exposed to other incels anymore. They truly believe that they are entitled to some gorgeous dolly bird who earns loads but is always home in time to cook their tea, clean and listen to their opinions on the world. And when these women show no interest in them, they get angry and bitter because it’s easier to think that women are the problem rather than considering whether they have anything at all to offer in a relationship.

I'm French and I would NOT date a French man if I was single.

Yes we are arrogant as a nationality but French men are like dogs with two dicks 😩

Because he basically called her a "retard" and hid it behind a translation problem because he is French.

There is no translation problem he was gaslighting her after calling her names.

Why would a woman feel safe with someone wondering whether you are constantly judging their intellectual and emotional capacity?

What, you mean if he is a real man, with shedloads of money, a profession and a job, a desire to look after a woman and their future children, with old-fashioned morals and ideas, a 6'2'', going to the gym. Why would she feel safe? Seriously? Real safety is in the way people look after you, not in their political views.

Obviously, if your French 'friend' does not fit this description, then indeed, why would a woman feel safe?

@ByRoseSnake I’m curious about his age

I don’t know why so many men are falling for this and they seem to have a weird idea of what feminism is

You obviously thought he was a decent person, otherwise you wouldn’t have dated him so I wonder what happened? Honestly I think the Internet is sending everybody insane.

They provide an alibi, don't they? One of the things we check men for when we're first dating is whether they have female friends, as an indication that they actually like women. And they know this.

I think they've always been there. It's just that we have now got better at identifying and naming their traits.

I'd also do this one thing before just blocking him. He obviously has trusted you to some extent that he's been sharing his woes with you. What have you got to lose sending a final note to explain why you're not going to spend any more time with him?