AIBU to tell a male friend his attitude is the problem in dating?

[ByRoseSnake]

For context, I have a male friend of many years who I did briefly date (approx. 3 months, 2 years ago), although it didn't work out. We broke up amicably, but as a romantic partner, it absolutely could never have worked due to fundamental differences in values, lifestyle, politics, emotional avoidance and a rigidity to routine that I just couldn't cope with.

Ever since we broke up, we've continued to meet as friends every month or so, just for a walk or a drink (you can throw me to the wolves if you believe this was a stupid idea haha). We have both continued to date other people, so often discuss that, alongside other topics.

Over the past year, I've noticed a huge shift in him - he has clearly become seriously bitter about women and his lack of success in dating. He has started complaining about women, outrightly objecting the concept of feminism and claiming that women have all the power (to the point we have almost had huge arguments), making claims that the women he has been dating are "too intense", "needy", "immature", "psychologically unstable" etc etc... 😫
He even started 'joking' that I was "erratic" and "full on" as a woman.

All this alongside making other offensive claims e.g. people who 'claim' to have ADHD are just 'retards'... (he argued this was a translation issue, as he is French, but I'm not convinced! FYI I have ADHD myself, so this was infuriating)
He has also 1) become completely obsessed with his body and gym routine, as he believes women are only interested in 6"2 men with a six pack, 2) studies dating app algorithms like it is a research project, and sadly, 3) completely lost his sense of humour.

Anyway, the last time I met up with him, I reached my limit and angrily snapped to ask him very bluntly "have you ever considered that the women you are dating are not the problem, but perhaps YOU are? Why would there be a pattern of women becoming anxious and leaving you because you aren't offering anything emotionally? Why would a woman feel safe staying with a man who outrightly tries to debunk feminism and women's rights? Why would a woman feel safe with someone wondering whether you are constantly judging their intellectual and emotional capacity? Are you SURPRISED that you're not having any success??" 😵

He didn't take it that well - and now I feel like a mean bitch.

It has been really painful to experience someone I considered a friend, respected and admired in terms of talents and their ability to love (albeit in a very practical way rather than the emotional depth I crave) fall down this worm hole. I wonder what they've been influenced by online, or by other men.

I'm so confused because he seems such a sensitive soul in many ways, and had a partner of 8 years before we dated, so it is clearly not impossible for him to form a long-term relationship.

AIBU to have criticised him directly about his attitude, or have i just added fuel to the fire?

That is horrifying. I had no idea that RNLI volunteers - literal life savers - are being harassed on the streets. For what? What is the world coming to?

Well done for calling him out, thing is he will only see this as "evidence" that all women are mad, nasty bitches out to make men's lives a misery. i would stop seeing him, why should you be a sounding board for his anti-women views, it won't add anything to your life. Of course you will feel sad and will remember how he was before he started believing all that Tate style garbage but he it sounds as if he brings nothing other than stress and distress to your life

I think sometimes people become fixated on things. He probably really believes his lack of success with women really is down to him not having a six pack rather than something about his personality.

I have a friend who thinks the reason he isn't beating women away is because he's bald, (not that he moans a lot and is very overweight).

There is also the poster on MN who is obsessed with having small breasts and has convinced herself that's why her partner doesn't want sex with her 24/7 despite everyone telling her she's wrong and she should get therapy.

Once people get this sorted of fixation they're on a downward spiral that self perpetuates which is very sad.

RNLI volunteers are being targeted because they try to save lives regardless of creed, colour etc. They will try and save migrant lives so are the subject of vicious hate of far right idiots with big mouths. But aren't brave enough to uncover their faces or give their names to the police or journalists.

Because a tiny percentage of people who they pulled out of the water because they were drowning to death, happened to be illegal immigrants.

The protesters at Dover were all men because women weren’t allowed to join in the protest - but they were allowed to ‘do their part’ and bring sandwiches.

Tommy Robinson exploited several of the grooming gang victims. One of them has spoken out about it and is now receiving threats from his followers.

And then there’s a shocking number of men who support Andrew Tate.

We are literally going back in time!

You told him the truth, @ByRoseSnake - that was absolutely the right thing to do.

Maybe you could have softened the home truths a bit by getting him to identify the common denominator?

Even nice French men, in my experiences, are a bit behind the times when it comes to equality but otherwise full on with other forms of outspoken politial.opinion , and can be a tad arrogant. That may be a stereotype, but I come across it a lot when I spent time in France .

If he values you as a friend he might contact you for some dating advice. I assume he knows why you didn't see him a long term prospect and knows what the attractive characteristics he has that he could balance out a bit.

Sounds like he’s swallowed the Andrew Tate manual. I’d ditch him as a friend.

He's a complete cunt and honestly, I've no idea why you ever wanted to be friends with him in first place.

He's basically some weird far-right manosphere-influenced twat who's gone down the rabbit hole of MRA podcasts/YouTube. You weren't 'a mean bitch'. If anything, you should have been a hell of a lot meaner, and this man is really no loss as a 'friend'.

Send this to your ‘friend’

No, you're being a real friend to him, and maybe he will see that......though somehow I doubt it.

I was just thinking he sounds a bit like a Mumsnetter and then you said this, which cemented it! 😁

Is he online dating?

Because if so, he may be correct in his experience when he says...

"the women he has been dating are "too intense", "needy", "immature", "psychologically unstable" etc etc..."

I've never done online dating so I can only go off the numerous threads on MN from women saying exactly the same about their online dates.

Why give a shite about his feelings? Stop being so bloody nice and drop this moron from a great height.
He's going to be a lonely embittered old man one day entirely of his own making and it will serve him right.

This is not the red pill. The red pill is the opposite, he’d improve himself and make himself a better match. It is whatever the bastardised Tate version of this is. Prick pill perhaps?

I respectfully disagree.

@ByRoseSnake good work. Sorter version for future use "Have you ever thought it is because you are an arse?"

I am not sure it would make a difference whatever she had done.

Well OP, you have given him something to think about. Whether the point of view of a longterm and trusted real life friend is enough to sway him from the rabid ramblings of online incels remains to be seen, but I hope your planted seeds grow and flourish.

Thank you for your service 💐.

YABU to keep meeting up with him. He doesn't seem to be a friend, you have zero in common.

Presumably he's gone down an incel wormhole online.

I don't know what you can do, but it is scary, more and more men are being influenced like this :(

@ByRoseSnake The flaw in your argument though is that you have no evidence that he is voicing those opinions to women he is dating, so you don't know if that's the reason why he is unsuccessful in dating. Everytime I point this out, the counter argument seems to be that women apparently have psychic powers that allow them to magically detect those hidden opinions.

And of course, what we see today is a sizeable minority of men who are not having relationships and dating, while a tiny minority of men are dating multiple women at the same time (as evidenced by the 'relationships' section on mumsnet). So clearly, it's not an issue with individual men. It seems to be a wider problem across society with women and men not pairing up monogamously as they used to.

@LondonPapa This is not the red pill. The red pill is the opposite, he’d improve himself and make himself a better match. It is whatever the bastardised Tate version of this is. Prick pill perhaps?

He's going to the gym. The red pill is indeed obsessed with "self-improvement" while holding very negative attitudes towards women.

The black pill is men who opt out completely, become passive, and stop trying altogether.

Who cares why he wants to meet up? The only question to ask yourself here is what does this friendship (using the word loosely) do for you? It doesn’t seem like it has much going for it.
Life is too short to waste trying to work out the motivations of people who don’t respect you or women in general.

Friendship for the bin. Move on

Never lose your empathy but protect yourself from men like this. Nothing good will come from continuing this friendship