AIBU to wonder why many posters find it harder to make friends than find a life partner?

[Thepeopleversuswork]

I'm baffled at the number of people on Mumsnet who struggle with the most basic social interactions and find making friends to be traumatic, but have found a life partner to settle down and have kids with.

A significant number of posters on here struggle with friendship or social interaction to various degrees, manifested in the extreme in the declarations that they "hate people", "don't want new friends", find friends to be too much "drama" and only want to spend time with their families. There is a classic of the genre running at the moment in which an OP has taken umbrage at a coworker making fairly mild friendly overtures to her as a gross invasion of her privacy. (But admits that she met her partner at work?) Or just at the milder end of the spectrum the huge amount of anxiety which making new friends seems to generate.

I genuinely don't understand why people who have managed to find an intimate relationship in which to have children can find the prospect of exchanging words outside the school gate or sending a text to a coworker so traumatic.

I found attracting a partner and building a relationship to be a far more fraught and involved process than making friends: there's so much more to lose, so much more vulnerability needed and the prospect of loss of face and self-esteem in the process of dating is far greater than in making friends. But texting someone (platonically) to ask if they want to have a coffee seems to spiral posters into paroxysms of self-doubt. The "school mum" threads are a whole sub-genre in their own right, where the paranoia and suspicion is often seriously irrational.

Why do people find it relatively easy to find a partner but finding friends so difficult? From my perspective it should be the other way around.

Totally agree with this. It’s amazing how many women out there are ND and like attracts like.

My friends who are diagnosed/undiagnosed ND are the most incredible people. We can be ourselves with each other without apology.

The only NT people I can be friends with are those who genuinely understand.

I'm not sure the posters who hate their friends/hate too many people to make friends have been more successful in finding a life partner. They have life partners but they seem to hate them as well - they just feel they can't leave them.

There are obviously couples who are well-matched introverts with little need for a social life beyond their blissed-up relationship but they don't tend to spend their time moaning about how hateful other people are.

That's it in a nutshell.
Married people with kids (especially young) working full time have very limited time as a family during the week. So the weekend is often spent doing things together as a family. If o e works shifts on weekends (as its my DH case) it becomes even more the case that you have less and less time available to spend with friends and to make new friends.
I think simply saying the blame is on the person who doesn't put enough effort to cultivate friendships is too simplistic.

Of course. But it's not always the case, which is my point.

It's interesting that despite the many reasons given to OP as to why some people might struggle more with friendships, or be disinterested in them, she still claims to not understand. She's acting as though a lack of close friends means that a person must be flawed or horribly dysfunctional as opposed to just introverted and a bit of a misfit (for instance), and it's very odd. It does sound like a bit of a fixation on her part.

Some of the dramas make me think. People who are in friendship groups which include people they don’t actually like.

I am actually amazed that people get to middle age without having the resources or the independence to be able to handle not being surrounded by people. Maybe it’s an ND thing when it’s better to be alone than be around people you don’t actually gel with.

I think my relationship with my partner is so much easier to navigate, we love each other, we are committed to each other, we are each other's priorities along with our children and I know exactly how he feels about me.

I value my friendships and am open to making more, but it's much more complex to work out where I fit in, my friends have their own families and partnerships and other friends and friendship groups.

What do you mean ‘A bit of a misfit’?

But it HAS cost me something (if I were in this hypothetical scenario). Apart from the time and money, it has cost me emotional energy. This is not to be taken lightly.

This is the fundamental difference between introverts and extroverts.
Extroverts gain 'energy' from social interactions. They come away from a social encounter feeling refreshed and vitalised.
Introverts lose 'energy' in social interactions. No matter how much they enjoy the encounter and value the person, they come away feeling tired and a bit drained and needing some time alone to recharge.

So for an introvert, every casual coffee with a potential friend has a cost. And that is before you add any social anxiety or masking or emotional investment.

Not abandoned their friends, but been told to kerb it because the ‘my whole world famila’ is far too important to maintain friendships.

This I have seen over and over…

No I'm not bored at all. I'm fascinated by it. I also think it's really important, socially.

People are becoming very atomised in our society at the moment and it's having a really negative impact both on our health and our politics. I think its one of the most important issues we face at the moment.

There's a growing body of data that demonstrates how critical social contact is in warding off a number of diseases, such as depression and Alzheimer's. Part of the reason we are so socially polarised is that people are far less willing than they were a generation ago to push themselves outside of their political comfort zones. It worries me.

And at the sharp end of this is the constant drip, drip on Mumsnet of people talking in negative ways about social contact, friendship and other things which I consider not just life-affirming but essential.

So I will bang on about this until the cows come home, sorry.

I’ve had women tell me they need to be there for their partner/children so can’t go out. That’s fine , I’ll just ask someone else if they fancy a coffee.
you need to make an effort to get and keep friends, I understand it can be hard but I’d never want to just rely on my DH for a social life.

So what do you think can be done to help the situation?

@StandingDeskDisco

But it HAS cost me something (if I were in this hypothetical scenario). Apart from the time and money, it has cost me emotional energy. This is not to be taken lightly.
This is the fundamental difference between introverts and extroverts.
Extroverts gain 'energy' from social interactions. They come away from a social encounter feeling refreshed and vitalised.
Introverts lose 'energy' in social interactions. No matter how much they enjoy the encounter and value the person, they come away feeling tired and a bit drained and needing some time alone to recharge.
So for an introvert, every casual coffee with a potential friend has a cost. And that is before you add any social anxiety or masking or emotional investment.

Respectfully, I disagree with the introverts v extroverts framing of this. I understand that introverts find this more socially draining, I have introvert tendencies. But it's part of life. It's no more draining than it would be to listen to a boring relative to keep the peace.

Also you have to think of the big picture: the cost to you of opting out of social interactions altogether is going to be much much higher in the long-term than the occasional cost of keeping them ticking along.

Socially awkward people, those who were ostracised as children due to poverty or religion and are wary of others now, those with autism or ADHD (like myself), or other differences. Anyone who doesn't fit into social norms, and despite being well-meaning or nice, may also be seen as slightly weird or gauche.

This !!!
I am a very social person I married young have grown up kids
But I will always choose my family over friends
Because I've done the whole friendship thing had lots of friends and near enough every friend I've had I've either outgrown them or they have become to in my pocket familiarity breeds contempt!
Or they love drama or gossiping and I just can't cope with it !
I prefer now to just have a handful of meaningful friendships where I know I can 100 % rely on them if I need help and likewise id help them in a heartbeat and that's literally 3 friends !
I know alot of people and I have alot of acquaintances but because I watch from afar I can see them properly and alot of the time I don't like the way they operate and I don't get involved
That's me protecting my own mental health it's not because I can't make friends I choose not too there's a difference also I'm not a people pleaser so I won't go for a coffee with someone if they invite me and I don't vibe with them
You can't just think it's your understanding of why woman are like this
Hope this offers and insight in to other views ❤️

Yep. Some people enjoy solitude. Or just prefer less socialising.

And one can have a lot of friends and be very active socially, and still be lonely.

There's a difference between social isolation and loneliness.

@ArabellaScott, thanks for taking the inevitable deletion for the team. We're all behind you. I almost did it but it's Friday and I was actually in a good mood and decided I couldn't be bothered with that cobblers today.

Then don’t bother with the emotional investment. Seriously it’s not worth it.

Don’t go for coffee with ‘potential’ friends. Let friendships develop organically. Make sure you like and are compatible with someone before you do the emotional outlay.

Also you have to think of the big picture: the cost to you of opting out of social interactions altogether is going to be much much higher in the long-term than the occasional cost of keeping them ticking along.

That's quite an assertion.

Clearly we aren’t all behind it or it wouldn’t have been deleted!

Obviously it was a well thought out, nuanced post though.

You're welcome. 😄Happy Friday.

MN is home to some of the most extreme judgmentalism/sensitivity I've seen though.

Just look at the threads of getting the RAGE or the ICK about utterly innocuous things like eating crisps or sniffing, and the germphobic ones where posters seem to think other human beings are just walking biohazards. Then there are the overthinkers who frame every tiny social interaction as a power play.

If you think like that, not being able to make friends is a natural consequence.

Absolutely. Additionally, some people can have loads of acquaintances, and very few friends. Or casual friends, but no close friends who they might share almost anything with. Or they might have a huge extended family with siblings and cousins, and no friends outside of that. Or maybe they just like solitude, as you say.

It seems like a very blinkered inability to see others' perspectives on the part of the OP.

Me too.