AIBU to wonder why many posters find it harder to make friends than find a life partner?

[Thepeopleversuswork]

I'm baffled at the number of people on Mumsnet who struggle with the most basic social interactions and find making friends to be traumatic, but have found a life partner to settle down and have kids with.

A significant number of posters on here struggle with friendship or social interaction to various degrees, manifested in the extreme in the declarations that they "hate people", "don't want new friends", find friends to be too much "drama" and only want to spend time with their families. There is a classic of the genre running at the moment in which an OP has taken umbrage at a coworker making fairly mild friendly overtures to her as a gross invasion of her privacy. (But admits that she met her partner at work?) Or just at the milder end of the spectrum the huge amount of anxiety which making new friends seems to generate.

I genuinely don't understand why people who have managed to find an intimate relationship in which to have children can find the prospect of exchanging words outside the school gate or sending a text to a coworker so traumatic.

I found attracting a partner and building a relationship to be a far more fraught and involved process than making friends: there's so much more to lose, so much more vulnerability needed and the prospect of loss of face and self-esteem in the process of dating is far greater than in making friends. But texting someone (platonically) to ask if they want to have a coffee seems to spiral posters into paroxysms of self-doubt. The "school mum" threads are a whole sub-genre in their own right, where the paranoia and suspicion is often seriously irrational.

Why do people find it relatively easy to find a partner but finding friends so difficult? From my perspective it should be the other way around.

A few people on the thread have said they're ND so they slotted in their their ND partners easily when they met them.

There are plenty of ND women out there, so how is slotting in with them as friends any different?

It may go against your theory but I haven’t had a relationship in over 25 years and I have one or two decent friends.

In my case I’m not socially anxious. I just don’t need or want extra people in my life. It’s really liberating.

I love being alone while DH is a social butterfly so I am happy when he spends his free time out of the home 😅.

I think there's a lot of factors at play. For example one person I know has had no problem finding a partner but she's very intense and tries to have the same intensely close connection with each of her friends and it's just too much for most people to manage. Some people can't understand the different level of friendships and get disheartened if they aren't besties after one or two meetups but would have more patience for a partner because they understand love takes time.

Ah, OP said: "and apologies again but it is always women"

Hah, so am I, so I can't hold it against you! And I'm appreciating your perspective :)

Because they clearly don’t know many ND people. Some of us who are ND can spot ‘our own kind’ a mile away even if they haven’t been diagnosed

They usually have dysfunctional partners or as said up thread take out their frustrations away from the relationship
Most men want sex, food and a bed to sleep in

I don't see this, tbh.

The "clearer social script" isn't always there in dating by any means: lots of people meet partners through work or other friends. Lots of relationships grow out of what had been friendships, it can be very ambiguous. It's not like you're following a set protocol.

Sexual attraction, yes obviously that's a different element although again you can have friendships which morph into relationships.

Total monogamous commitment is a difference but if you're meeting a friend (as opposed to a partner) why should the lack of monogamous commitment be a disadvantage? Surely it makes things easier and more relaxed, not harder?

If I know I'm meeting someone who is sizing me up as a potential life partner I'm going to be much more nervous than if I'm meeting someone for a coffee who I may or may not see again.

The first is much higher stakes than the second, surely?

Find friends hard at 50. Have one great friend for cinema or shows. Alot women dont want put efforts in now to keep it going. I noticed last year Im always reaching out. It did open my eyes how flaky people are.. Im kinda done with it all. My daughter 20s said college girls same quite flaky. A few nice ones too

Given the teen-style angst from grown women on here on friendship threads, some women do seem to enjoy the drama. It’s all about ‘Queen bees’, ‘wendying’ and the inability to understand that someone can dislike you without you consciously having done something to them.

I agree with you there. Particularly resonates about never being invited to weddings and other family events, and struggling to think of bridesmaids/best man for our own wedding (or even guests come to think of it). Most guests were work colleagues, family, or friends of parents, etc. Not helped by both sets of our parents being older parents and only children, so we've never had any uncles/aunts/nieces/nephews/cousins etc. When growing up, family events were all about much older people of our parents' and grandparents' ages, i.e. "Great Aunt Maud" who was 90, etc. We're not in contact with a single wedding guest (29 years later) as all family have died and all the other guests were work colleagues who we've lost contact with as we've changed jobs several times since.

I think that the lack of family (i.e. due to parents being only ones and older), caused quite a lot of our social anxiety and lack of ability to make friends, as we didn't have anyone anywhere near our own ages when growing up, i.e. at family gatherings, etc. That made school the only place where we were with people our own age and we were both mercilessly bullied throughout our teenage years so we didn't make school friends either as we were both very wary of getting close to school mates in case they too bullied us, abused us, etc., so we became adapt and keeping our distance/boundaries.

Are you not bored of banging this particular drum by now, OP? I've seen countless posts on MN by you about this over quite a long period of time now. Why does this particular issue bother you as much as it does?

(I'm not a stalker btw, I'm just on here a lot and you have a distinctive username.)

it depends how you ‘reach out’. If someone is ‘flaky’ then they are either struggling in some way or you don’t matter enough to them.

If you want to try to find reasons to invalidate the fact that some people simply feel differently about social interactions than you do, then go for it. But it's a bit immature, really.

You're applying your feelings about 'finding a life partner' onto other people, and, shockingly, people do feel differently about things. I'm surprised you have so many friends with your total lack of social understanding, honestly.

@RosaNovella Haha, no, my DH is not dysfuntional, and I have no frustrations to take out away from relationship. 🤣

Anarchy it should be 2 way efforts though. My friend said she finds the same with people now.

Ohhh, interesting... This explains a lot.

I often think that - coming from someone who has always had great friends and finds it easy to chat to people, i do wonder how these people meet life partners! A good example was many years ago where i worked with a woman who was a terrible bully of all her staff. People regularly came and went after she pushed them out/made their lives a misery. Was so shocked to find out that she was dating/married a seemingly normal/nice guy in the company. I was younger and couldnt fathom how i was single yet she found someone!!

Later they had a full on row and she screamed all his friends hated her.

But other autistic people exist to make friendships with. That’s the case with me. The majority of my friends are a mix of diagnosed/undiagnosed ND. Still a hell of a lot easier to meet and form friendships with them than a partner! Although I now also have one too (also ND like me) but it takes a lot more work to build a romantic relationship than a friendship

@Thepeopleversuswork

If I know I'm meeting someone who is sizing me up as a potential life partner I'm going to be much more nervous than if I'm meeting someone for a coffee who I may or may not see again.

Neither me nor DH ever "dated" anyone else at all. When we met, through voluntary work, we weren't "sizing" each other up as a potential life partner. We were just work colleagues with a joint interest (hence the volunteering). It was months before we became a "couple", which was a kind of slow-burn of just working together more (both of us choosing the same shifts as we said we liked working together and didn't like working with some of the others, so we just planned it to work together where possible!), then one or other would "pop in" to each other's homes for a coffee when passing, again, mostly talking about our joint hobby, then we had a couple of trips out together, again involving our hobby. It was probably six months before we even held hands! There was certainly no element of nervousness nor sizing each other up as a potential love interest. We just "clicked" as two people with a common interest. It could have so easily happened for both of us with a person of the same sex (without the ultimate romantic involvement of course!). We've always been friends first, "lovers" second, right through our 39 years and even today, we're still each other's "best friends" first and foremost. We never really "did" the romance side of things of chatting up, etc.

I have always found finding a partner easier than finding friends and it's not a case of prioritising it or martyring myself or getting married young etc, I've essentially always been in a couple somehow so quite relaxed about that, and always actively trying to make friends which has been harder in the past.

I've wondered why and I think simply I am an introvert and I am sometimes awkward trying to get involved in group conversations or speak to somebody out of the blue. It is more complicated.

I've always done online dating and it's easy - make your profile, weed out the wrong ones, go on a date with the promising ones. If friendship had that laid out pattern I'd be fine!

I also don't mind so much when relationships end but would find it very hard if one of my friends suddenly didn't want to see me anymore. I think it's because the stakes are lower with a friendship that the rejection would be harder? It's fair enough if someone chooses not to settle down and stay with you forever but quite hurtful if they decide to never to even have a glass of wine/short walk etc with you again

Of course there is overt bullying but there are also people who are either addicted to the dynamic or look for victimhood

I also thin that these are the same people who refuse to reply to messages in a decent time because ‘no one is owed my time’. I have a friend who is notorious for this, then moans when people stop inviting her to things. The lack of self-awareness boggles

So when you say 'some', you mean only a few?

Otherwise I still don't get how they can slot in so easily with a man they fancy, but not with women?

I think at this age, about 50 we are all a bit sanded down by life and have lots of responsibilities and are a bit boring. I don’t drink alcohol any more so that’s definitely helpful when trying to get into a relationship or friendship!!

I have plenty of friends that are older and full of life and excitement and hope, and have interests and care about themselves and love to travel. I like those people as friends. I meet other women and they are just talking nonsense and are not funny and are too serious for me and would not be friends with them at all, ever, even if I was desperate.