AIBU to wonder why many posters find it harder to make friends than find a life partner?

[Thepeopleversuswork]

I'm baffled at the number of people on Mumsnet who struggle with the most basic social interactions and find making friends to be traumatic, but have found a life partner to settle down and have kids with.

A significant number of posters on here struggle with friendship or social interaction to various degrees, manifested in the extreme in the declarations that they "hate people", "don't want new friends", find friends to be too much "drama" and only want to spend time with their families. There is a classic of the genre running at the moment in which an OP has taken umbrage at a coworker making fairly mild friendly overtures to her as a gross invasion of her privacy. (But admits that she met her partner at work?) Or just at the milder end of the spectrum the huge amount of anxiety which making new friends seems to generate.

I genuinely don't understand why people who have managed to find an intimate relationship in which to have children can find the prospect of exchanging words outside the school gate or sending a text to a coworker so traumatic.

I found attracting a partner and building a relationship to be a far more fraught and involved process than making friends: there's so much more to lose, so much more vulnerability needed and the prospect of loss of face and self-esteem in the process of dating is far greater than in making friends. But texting someone (platonically) to ask if they want to have a coffee seems to spiral posters into paroxysms of self-doubt. The "school mum" threads are a whole sub-genre in their own right, where the paranoia and suspicion is often seriously irrational.

Why do people find it relatively easy to find a partner but finding friends so difficult? From my perspective it should be the other way around.

But you're assuming I haven't experienced my own trauma. I have.

But thankfully medication and therapy have made a massive difference to me. I used to say I hated everyone and didn't need anyone in my life - I can only hope you manage to turn things around a bit for yourself as you deserve every bit of happiness.

Of course if someone has experienced trauma that's a different matter and that deserves compassion.

But again, this poster has explicitly said it's not about this.

Sorry to hear you too have suffered, I'm glad therapy helped.
And thank you, that means a lot ❤️

God only knows! I've always found it much easier to make friends with other women than to find a man I liked, was attracted to, shared similar values and wanted to be in a relationship with!

I don't think people mean they literally hate people. I think they have possibly been hurt by people.or they are very uncomfortable socially. Maybe some don't feel safe around people some people put up a barrier.

There's not always a logic answer to things.

I think a lot of them think friendships aren't important. They prioritise theur partners over potential friends. Then, a bit later in life, they discover that they were 100% wrong.

Has anyone said they hate all people under all circumstances or is it possible that you are exaggerating a tad?

I adore the couple of friends I have. I quite like some other people. But most people just aren’t interesting enough to want to speak to.

Or they just don’t particularly like them enough to want or need friendships.

Barriers are useful - I wish more people used them

Well I didn’t understand because it was only after you posted about hating people that you then explained why, prior to that how could we know?

I am very sorry for what you’ve been through and I myself have also experienced quite a bit of trauma in my own life (rape, grief, loss etc)

Meeting good people in life and my wonderful friends has gone a long way to restore my faith in humanity because whilst many people are vile, lots of people are also fundamentally good

If you don't want to grab a cuppa, then you don't want friends. Excluding trauma/ abuse/ ND conditions. I feel I have to say this as otherwise people will go on about ableism. I am talking about the vast majority of people who are NT and have no abuse.

That's fine. Just don't say that you are lonely then.

I don’t think anyone has said they are lonely have they? Being alone isn’t the same thing as being lonely.

Personally I can’t ‘grab a cuppa’ at will. Luckily my friends are happy not to expect me to.

These days it’s easier than ever to keep in touch. The internet allows people to have an entire ‘tribe’ without leaving the house!

There are currently 2 or 3 active threads about making friends at the schoolgates, and there are least 2 threads daily asking how to make friends because the poster is lonely.
So I venture many people- not you perhaps- would like to make friends.
Personally, I detest internet friendships. They are not for me. I want to leave the house and yes, I appreciate many can't.

I agree with this, it’s much deeper, it’s about social isolation, feeling rejected, social anxiety, not feeling like you fit in etc, it’s easier to say I hate people than to say people don’t include me, or I feel I don’t fit in, struggle to make conversation, in short, it’s easier to make others the problem

I completely agree with everything you have said. I also have a theory (I also don't have any evidence for this other than observation) that a lot of the friendships cultivated while younger were based on drinking and going out, particularly in the UK.

As a nation we are heavy drinkers and many people are accustomed to alcohol as a social lubricant. Once kids come along, these people are faced with the prospect of meeting friends sober, possibly doing family friendly activities. This can make people face the uncomfortable revelation that they have nothing in common other than drinking and have no idea how to interact with their friends in everyday life. This along with the lack of regular socialising perpetuates social anxiety (real or imagined) and results in people avoiding meet ups and becoming reclusive. Far easier to cocoon themselves in their family bubble at home- until it is too late.

I agree.

I know this thread has moved on but I have also thought this too. Sometimes people are getting married with no one to invite and their husband-to-be has hundreds of friends so it's not as if they are marrying a similar person. And many others haven't a single friend and they sound lovely and someone I would definitely be friends with if our paths crossed. I think it's luck a lot of the time.

Because the big D is still a draw? 🤷‍♂️ 🍆

Me too.

Personally, I used to have friends in my teens, 20s and 30s, not hundreds but some. But I was very overwhelmed by motherhood (undiagnosed ADHD and health issues) and lost touch with a lot after my first child was born. I then lost touch with other friends after a house move and I now have 3 ND children, no job, no hobbies and I'm not sure where you even meet friends at this stage of life. I have some old friends I see a couple of times a year but none I see more often. So I think I would find it hard to meet a partner now too.

My DP (40s) is just not interested in friends. I dont get it. He is very popular, other men are always asking him to do things but he just doesnt want to. This is regardless of whether he has a partner or not. He doesnt drink, so he says hes not interested in pub culture. The only thing he wants to do outside of work (without me) is go mountain biking - and hes quite serious about that and goes for hours. He doesnt like going with others. He tried it once and they just held him back. I like to do things with others. Makes me feel alive.

I agree with you though OP. Sometimes I wonder how some people ever got partnered up because they are so quiet and shy. Like how on earth did it happen?

Absolutely people have said exactly that on here.

And that's not even considering the people who proclaim that they loathe all people but only love their dogs (usually, though sometimes cats) with a passion. The 'Four Legs Good, Two Legs Bad' brigade.

Oh that's familiar. I read that post. That's different from not being able to make friends. I thought she was overreacting to some quite normal behaviour...... but we have to remember that we haven't witnessed any of their interactions and therefore can't judge.

I wonder why people feel able to confidently ascribe motives to others? I find it strange. Of course there are some people that can’t make friends for those reasons. But there are also people who choose not to.

And perhaps people who are desperate to make friends are just incredibly needy and they should learn to rely on themselves more. Particularly the ones who accost strangers in the hope that they can have a conversation which will lead to them being BFF.

Weirdly since I was diagnosed with AuDHD I have found people respond to me more positively but it’s just too much effort.

I think that's pretty reductive, judging by the relationships forum on here full of 'Does he like me?' 'Is he even single?' , 'If he does like me, why hasn't he asked me out? Should I ask him out?' 'We had a great date, so why has he ghosted me/ignored me at work?' 'Why does he still have a profile on Tinder?' 'Should I have sex on the third/fifth/seventeenth date?' 'Are we exclusive?' , 'Is it too soon to ask if we're exclusive?' 'Is it too soon to talk about the future?' 'When should I have met his friends/family/children?' 'When is a normal time line to move in together?' 'I want to have children by the time I'm 38 but is it too soon to bring it up?' 'Why hasn't he proposed after five years/ten years and two children?' 'We've been engaged for twelve years but I think he only did it to stop me asking what now?'

The stages aren't that definable, and the stakes, if you're pooling finances and/or having children together, are really high.

Unlike friendships, where you're highly unlikely to be cohabiting/marrying/having children together/pooling finances, and where there's no expectation you have to choose one friend only and stick them them. No need to think about having sex with them and the vulnerability of that. No need to think about STD checks and contraception. No need to divorce them if it doesn't work. No need for anyone else to know you don't have lots of other friends. If you encounter someone you like, and ask them for coffee, the stakes are pretty low.

I don’t even like dogs but I get why people would prefer them.

Why does it bother people if others aren’t keen on having friends? It’s weird.

It’s the ones like the thread the other week about someone who just walked up to people who were on their own and talked at them, despite clear signals that the person didn’t want to speak to them.

I think some people are just desperate to be liked.