AIBU to wonder why many posters find it harder to make friends than find a life partner?

[Thepeopleversuswork]

I'm baffled at the number of people on Mumsnet who struggle with the most basic social interactions and find making friends to be traumatic, but have found a life partner to settle down and have kids with.

A significant number of posters on here struggle with friendship or social interaction to various degrees, manifested in the extreme in the declarations that they "hate people", "don't want new friends", find friends to be too much "drama" and only want to spend time with their families. There is a classic of the genre running at the moment in which an OP has taken umbrage at a coworker making fairly mild friendly overtures to her as a gross invasion of her privacy. (But admits that she met her partner at work?) Or just at the milder end of the spectrum the huge amount of anxiety which making new friends seems to generate.

I genuinely don't understand why people who have managed to find an intimate relationship in which to have children can find the prospect of exchanging words outside the school gate or sending a text to a coworker so traumatic.

I found attracting a partner and building a relationship to be a far more fraught and involved process than making friends: there's so much more to lose, so much more vulnerability needed and the prospect of loss of face and self-esteem in the process of dating is far greater than in making friends. But texting someone (platonically) to ask if they want to have a coffee seems to spiral posters into paroxysms of self-doubt. The "school mum" threads are a whole sub-genre in their own right, where the paranoia and suspicion is often seriously irrational.

Why do people find it relatively easy to find a partner but finding friends so difficult? From my perspective it should be the other way around.

There is no need for defensiveness, honestly. Of course some people don’t wish to, but that’s different to saying I hate all people. Which is whay was being discussed in my comment snd the quote/

Who is being defensive? The armchair psychologists posting theories about what has messed up a person (apparently) because they don’t feel the need to surround themselves with people (about whom they then post on here because they have been left out or something) kind of amuse me.

It’s okay to want friends and it’s okay not to. All I would like is for the ones looking for friends not to try to engage the ones who want to be left alone!

And that is fine. Just to clarify it isn’t that I definitely can’t meet up, it’s just a lot of effort for a hideously expensive cup of coffee in a packed coffee shop, with little reward.

Maybe everyone should wear a badge with " Talk to me" or " Never talk to me" ? I have often thought this would simplify matters. 😁

I agree completely! A bit like the MN scarf thing a few years back 😬

And it’s always the ones who claim to be able to read people who just impose themselves, despite the obvious signs they aren’t welcome 🤣

I have been depressed for a very long time and don't have it in me to fake entusiasm for meeting new friends. I have a couple of friends who accept that I'm not to count on for fun stuff most of the time because I'm simply too tired. They can count on me when they have a problem though- I would do anything to help.

I think there are many out there who are barely holding up and do not have the energy to build up new relationships.

I couldn't give a toss if someone chooses not to have friends - thats entirely their choice, but I have seen lots of posts from people complaining that they are lonely, have no friends, noone ever wants to meet up with them whilst simultaneously expressing hatred for other human beings.

Cant have it both ways and those two things I suspect are linked.

For some, yes.

People don’t understand that you can’t just introduce yourself to some randomer and off you go. People who want friends and don’t have them generally lack social skills, more than those who aren’t bothered.

There are also a lot of threads about people upset because they have been left out of some meet up or they don’t get included in things. Nobody likes to say but it’s guaranteed to be a ‘them’ problem. But posters say ‘ooh they are jealous’ or some similar bollocks.

It is more likely that they pushed their way in from the outer circle and now people want to dump them.

How many people are saying they hate everyone but they want friends? That is definitely weird!

Yep- seen loads of threads about this.

Also, lots of posts about how they are so "kind and nice" yet everyone else is a bitch and they cant understand why people dont include them and the "bitches" are so popular.
🤣

I mean it's pretty easy to shag someone, end up pregnant and settle with and coast along with the dad as he's "alright", friendships take more effort than that.

Interesting stats!

Back in the day, when I were a child, we were encouraged to visit 'old people' who lived by themselves and couldn't really get out and about and who might be lonely. (The older me wonders how on earth a bratty child such as myself could bring joy to the life of an 'old person' or relieve loneliness- but let's put that to one side for a moment).

Whereas now social isolation seems to be regarded as unremarkable - other than when occasionally someone has died and the body goes undiscovered until neighbours etc complaint about the smell. And there's some hand ringing about social isolation.

Pandemic and lockdown was interesting in that some people loved the 'stay at home' edict as being the perfect excuse for avoiding social interaction

Bu

This is a really interesting point about alcohol: I have been wondering about this a lot.

Most of my longstanding friendships (20 years plus) were forged in drinking and going out. My alcohol consumption has fallen off a cliff since hitting perimenopause.I am not teetotal but I drink maybe once a week and never more than a couple of units. It has created some friction in some of my older friendships.

I don’t think that these relationships were all about alcohol but the context does change when you no longer bond through drink.

There isn’t much I miss about the heavy drinking culture of my youth and I wouldn’t go back to it but I do think it did loosen people up and enable people to get past their hangups which had certain benefits.

No one

I know. They all have ADHD.

Good question (and I don't know the answer)!

It's nothing to do with people who 'aren't bothered about having friends'. If they weren't bothered, they wouldn't be all over Mn proclaiming how much they hate people and how dreadful everyone is. They've fairly obviously been hurt into that position by something, and are in denial about it.

I'm good at making and keeping friends, but am not in the least bothered about whether people in general like me. I don't think friendship has anything to do with being generally liked -- most people will be indifferent to you, a few will dislike you and a few will be drawn to you and, of those few, you will be drawn to even fewer. It will only ever be a minority of people who are drawn to you to whom you are also drawn.

That's what a lot of the lonely people on Mn get wrong. Friendship is a specific thing involving individuals, not something to do with a generalised 'niceness'.

I don't

I would say they're only totally different processes in conservative societies and cultures where the genders are separated

Young women who are even reasonably attractive will, if they go out and about in the world, have men approach them because they like the look of them. This often leads a man to put in effort with the woman in a way other women who could be potential friends wouldn't and it allows a relationship to develop.
Partners also have a tendancy to overlook flaws in each other that friends may not, because they bring other things to the table. Or percieve differences as complementing each other, while expecting friends to be more similar to themselves.

Really? You can't fathom something being really interested in something unless they're an academic? I'm really interested in succulents - I'm not an academic. I'm also fascinated with the growth of the far right but not an academic or otherwise that politically interested

Obviously people don't get annoyed by themselves the way they do by others, they aren't wary of themselves, or vulnerable to themselves, or infuriating to themselves, etc

Sadly there are people who are precisely consumed by the self loathing and vulnerability you describe 😔

I don't mind saying that I am very interested in friendships. And I am not an academic. One of the reasons is that my mum was widowed young- at 62- and she has been saved by her wide circle of friendships. She's a very open, friendly, kind, and cheery person. The women in my family live till their mid 90s. So that may be 30 years on your own. She doesn't want to remarry. And why should she when she's out 3 times a week enjoying herself!

That might be me as DH may well pass 20 years before I do. The men in my family don't live as long.

I do agree with this, on MN it seems to be the worst thing if someone doesn’t like you.

Actually I think friendship is a bit like a romantic relationship - chemistry is everything