AIBU to think my sister is overcautious about the new baby?

[ThatShyAnt]

My sister won’t let my kids (4 & 2) meet her new son (3 weeks old - her first child) because she is worried about illnesses.
Obviously I would not take my kids to meet him if they were showing any signs of cold etc. but they are perfectly healthy at the moment and unless showing symptoms are no more likely to pass on an illness than anyone else? They are very excited to meet their new cousin.
To me, it seems excessive caution but is she being reasonable? Or should I be worried that she is struggling or something?

Yep - read a quote about "if you want a village, you have to be a villager" and it's so true

This does seem weird, never come across someone not seeing family like this. Only a doctor can diagnose, but the EY worker said anxiety can be a symptom, and it's good that you're caring about her.

I’m really finding some of the comments here quite flippant and ignorant. If you sailed through the newborn stage without any worries or issues, then consider yourselves very lucky and be grateful for it. Not everyone is so lucky. As others have said, newborns are very fragile and can deteriorate quite quickly if they become unwell.
OP - your sister isn’t being unreasonable. You yourself will understand how difficult those early months are - it’s all new to her, it’s exhausting and she has this tiny baby she wants to protect. She’s doing what feels right, so leave her to it and your children will meet the baby when she is ready.

Sorry but with my firstborn I wouldn't have wanted a bunch of germy toddlers in breathing on them and touching things, she's not being precious just protecting her newborn baby.
My 2nd born didnt have a choice and had a cold from about 2weeks old and its not nice to see such a young baby sick even if it is just a cold, it definitely affected his ability to BF

I’m wondering what she's been told by healthcare professionals. Our new born grandson was brought home from hospital recently with the advice to not let anybody kiss him because of infection. Fair enough, we complied.

Under 5s ARE more likely to pass lots of bugs on, they have a respiratory virus half the year and something asymptomatic for them can make a newborn quite ill. Your sister is being reasonable.

Of course she’s reasonable. Baby is only 3 weeks and she doesn’t want little people bringing germs in. She may also be using it as an excuse to not have too many people in general. I was exhausted, leaky and sore for a few weeks and hated people coming around.

you say you’re not judging but you are - you started a thread to ask if she’s unreasonable. You’re asking us to judge her!

give her a few more weeks when baby is a big stronger and she’s recovered.

Since he's not quite three, I think it's not a machiavellian plot on his part. And I don't have any illusions about them having a lifelong and enduring closeness for him to maintain. But your devaluing of relationships that aren't local is both cruel and false.

We live several hours from most of our family, and it hasn't stopped relationships developing. You talk about your family, you call and you make the effort.

And it is petty as fuck to refuse to bond with a baby or toddler because you didn't get your mitts on them at a few weeks old. And it does come down to a refusal - because adults can and do bond with other adults (that's how we get babies!) - so claiming that there's some sort of mother duck imprinting required is just self-serving bollocks.

Perhaps a little over the top but I don’t think it’s totally unreasonable or weird. If she was still not letting any kids near her baby at 4 months pp I’d genuinely worry about her anxiety but at 3 weeks he’s still tiny, leave her be for now x

I do laugh at people who say "I'm not judging" but post on AIBU, so disingenuous

I just wanted to know if other people think she is being weird. I think she’s being a bit OTT, and plenty of others have agreed with that too so I don’t think my opinion is wrong. But I also see plenty of others say she IS being PFB reasonable, so happy that’s she not too abnormal. Maybe I should have asked ‘is it normal?’ rather than ‘is it unreasonable?’ I haven’t argued about it with her or forced it on her or anything. I also think my kids, whilst still young, can 100% understand and follow instructions about washing hands etc before seeing baby and I’d remove them pronto if they weren’t behaving appropriately. But I understand the decision is not down to me and I won’t be pushing it with her!

I suggested walk/ playground (kids would be a lot less interested in the baby I reckon!)/ cafe / her house / our house (in case wanted a change of scene). She had a straight forward birth so has been out and about quite a bit already so all those options would be manageable! No option was acceptable.

Don’t dress up judgement as concern.

She is allowed to set boundaries, your job is to respect them whether you agree with them or not, just as you’d expect other people to do with your children.

Sounds like she has an issue with you or your kids then? Are they high energy, do you expect her to run around after them, are they badly behaved? You've either pissed her off or she doesn't like your kids, only you know why...

Everyone is a bit mental with their precious first born. Having babies is a learning curve for all of us. We only relax as we grow confidence. Be tolerant.

I am respecting her boundaries but I am entitled to question them! In this case it seemed better to ask for other opinions before questioning directly with her.

My opinion is still valid but I can see her pov much better now, so think I was correct to ask here!

And I’d be quite happy for her or other people to (politely) question my boundaries and opinions!

I think she likes my kids, though in the past I have suspected her husband doesn’t tbh! They are just typical toddler/ preschoolers, good kids most of the time but of course occasional meltdowns, bad behaviour etc. I am confident they could behave appropriately if they were to meet baby! 4yo very good with other babies she has met.

This is exactly how I feel about it. The new mum is tired and doesn't want to entertain people and have a couple toddlers jumping around screaming etc. with grubby little fingers and germs

it's her baby. Toddlers are full on and you know it.
Your children won't necessarily be showing signs of illness even if they were contagious
Just be patient. It's not going to hurt you or your children to wait until she's ready

YABU.
Yes I have met the baby once, but I don’t get much time off without the kids so it’s difficult to go on my own to check in on her if I can’t take the kids!

Sounds you are annoyed, because not being able to take the children is an inconvenience for you, but it really isn't her duty to accomodate your preferences and children now.

Her choice is perfectly valid - why to risk illnesses when she doesn't have to?

And, if you don't understand about the incubation period and that illnesses are transferable before the first symptoms, plus that young chilren are more likely to catch and transmitt it, she needs to protect her newborn from your ignorance.

It sounds a bit excessive, but then again it’s a merry go round of viruses at toddler age and she’ll be the one dealing with it. Some viruses caught young increase the chances of conditions like asthma or increase the susceptibility to other viruses. Washing hands isn’t much defence against airborne viruses. There is a covid wave increasing at the moment which can lead to all sorts of health issues. A few years ago you could fill the equivalent of 200 primary schools with children in England that had long covid. By the following year, 2024 it had increased to 400. That’s for an illness most consider harmless to children. There are lots of others. I don’t necessarily agree with her, but she’s also not being totally irrational. Congratulations on being an Auntie.

It’s a long drive (1hr) there and back so it’s an annoying trip to do anyway, especially if we would only be staying for half an hour!

Tbh it just means I won’t be able to go and see her again until I can take the kids, which yes, I’m a bit sad about. More because I can’t see her/help her/bring her food etc than because I’m not seeing the baby (Though he’s gorgeous and I love a newborn cuddle!). I had to take a day off work to visit before and I just can’t justify that again (unless I felt like she was struggling and really needed help). She doesn’t want evening visitors and weekends are full on - I work full time during the week.

Why can't you leave your kids with their father and go and visit your sister?

I do think there’s something in this. There was a thread a year or so ago by a lady who was the aunt in the situation- and she commented how sad it was that her SIL had been so controlling with access to the child that neither she nor her parents had ever really built a strong bond with him. And then the little boy was 7 or 8 and the complaints flooded in that nobody was interested in him. There’s definitely a balance to be struck.

Good for her 😊 you'll meet the baby soon let her have some private family time enough with people thinking they have to meet babies straight away let mum have a few days rest before visitors come trailing through the house