AIBU to think my sister is overcautious about the new baby?

[ThatShyAnt]

My sister won’t let my kids (4 & 2) meet her new son (3 weeks old - her first child) because she is worried about illnesses.
Obviously I would not take my kids to meet him if they were showing any signs of cold etc. but they are perfectly healthy at the moment and unless showing symptoms are no more likely to pass on an illness than anyone else? They are very excited to meet their new cousin.
To me, it seems excessive caution but is she being reasonable? Or should I be worried that she is struggling or something?

The kids have just gone back to school, the baby is still a newborn, she's cautious but that's fine. Just be supportive rather than another thing for your sister to worry about.

Although I can understand thie point of view I look at it in a different way. There isn't much bonding to do with someone else's 4 week old baby, they will likely be asleep or feeding. And another few weeks til the baby is stronger / bigger / has a better immune system will make no difference to the long term relationship between cousins. How much someone loves a cousin or niece / nephew isn't related in my view to how early they saw them after the birth. I imagine it would also be quite tricky from a relationship point of view if the OP did insist on a visit and the baby got ill...even if its not a serious illness, a newborn with a cold is likely to have much more disturbed sleep etc which the mum might be struggling with already

Re rotavirus vaccinations - even though the rates of vaccination are quite good, circa 4000 children under 5 are hospitalised with this every year and there are 90,000 doctors visits, so don't think it's unheard of to get illnesses like this even from vaccinated children

People are strange, it’s weird but it’s up to her. My SIL said she wouldn’t let anyone but her parents hold her baby for at least a fortnight!

Thanks for your opinions, general consensus is it might be a bit overcautious but not completely unreasonable! I actually think my kids will be more likely to have colds etc in a few weeks when autumn sets in but we’ll have to wait and see!

Once baby is a bit bigger and had their first round of vaccines - by 2 months if she is still restricting then she may need help but before then. - protection is fine

All these precious newborns...

Tbh I wouldn't spend more time on it. They will meet then your sister is bored of her own four walls.

This is a myth. For a lot of vaccines it trains your body how to fight off the virus. This means that you can catch it but it's a lot more mild / not noticeable (eg chicken pox vaccine) and you can still be contagious if you had exposure to others. However its a lot less likely vs unvaccinated kids.

Sorry OP this has turned into a medical thread. If you're worried about your sister could you speak to her partner to see if she is coping OK? Would she be OK meeting outside in the park to go a walk or something so no contact with baby and less chance of illness spreading if that's what she is worried about? Or could someone have your kids for a bit while you go and support her? Could you offer any other support like dropping off some food?

I just think it’s a personal point of view and I’ve held mine for some time so I don’t see it changing to be honest. I respect other people’s points of view and know that I’m in the minority. I just don’t want to be expected to look after / be besotted with a baby that I was held at arms length with. I find it hard to love people, I certainly wouldn’t be able to love someone I don’t see regularly and I don’t think the cousins should be expected to if they don’t get to see it.

Hahaha so true! She won’t be able to get rid of them in 3 months 😂

I'm a mum of 5. I always ban kids bar my own meeting baby for the first month. I don't want the germs, chaos or have to cater to other people's kids wanting food/drinks/climbing on me. Don't want their parents passing my baby to their kids like a doll I can't stand it. Just offer to meet them for a walk. Am sure she takes the baby out in the buggy or in a sling. Then she knows there's no pressure your kids will want to hold her baby. Don't put the needs of your kids though above the needs of a new mum. It's selfish and unfair.

When my baby was discharged from hospital, we were advised by the consultant not to let anyone else hold him for the first six weeks and not let small children meet him until he was six weeks either. This was alongside all the other advice about how often to feed/ bathe/ change. I dutifully followed this and honestly didn't realize how upset everyone else would be about it!

I do see now how OTT it was, but at the time it felt like what I should do to protect my tiny baby. Even if they didn't agree, I felt so supported by those who quietly accepted that boundary.

Erm also do a bit of research. Your kids can still catch these viruses but will hopefully just recover quicker and they can definitely pass them on. Imagine vaccinating your kids and not even knowing what it means.

YABU- perfectly normal, everyone feels comfortable with different things. It’s not because she dislikes you/your DC, I’m sure your DC will be invited to visit once she feels comfortable and it will in no way impact the cousins’ relationship going forward.

I personally feel more comfortable with adults visiting rather than children because adults are (usually!) a bit more aware/able to voice if their bodies feel a bit ill and tend not to touch everything in their reach 😂

I don’t think my children met their cousins till they were a few months old.

I mean babies are not exactly exciting I didn’t see the need to take them to visit a tiny baby who wasn’t yet vaccinated and wouldn’t be living with them.

We had our children first but I can’t say I’d want someone else’s over energised toddler near my new born either.

Even their own bouncy toddler siblings where more than enough 😅

Oh come on... death?

Many new babies have toddler siblings. Do they get shut out for weeks, too?

It's OTT but seems to be almost par for the course these days.
I get your concern though. It's your sister and you don't know whether she's okay or not. Can you talk to her DH/partner @ThatShyAnt ?

assuming You’re normally fairly close to your sister, I think she’s being ridiculous, but there’s not much you csn do about it.

No she’s not. If the baby had an older sibling what then? My baby met relatives and family friends the day after we came hone, and I took him out to a restaurant when he was four days old. I joined a post natal group when he was three weeks old, so obviously I don’t have the same protective feelings as your sister!

I work in a primary school with early years children. At this time of year with all the back to school bugs floating around I wouldn’t be going close to a newborn because of the RSV risk. And I understand hygiene better than a 4 year old!

RSV can be really dangerous at this age. Just wait until the baby is a bit older.

Agree.

I understand being excited but not to the point I’d risk the health of an unvaccinated newborn. It also doesn’t matter if the young children are vaccinated imo, sniffly nose, coughs, sneezes, etc can still get a baby sick and I bet if sister loosened her boundary and OP brought the kids over like they want and baby got sick, the sister would be pretty upset.

Seen plenty of threads on parenting forums where new mums regretted loosening boundaries over such things and their babies became sick.

Easy to not see an issue and think it’s overcautious when you’re not the one who is going to be up all night with a sick baby.

If you're worried about your sister could you speak to her partner to see if she is coping OK? Would she be OK meeting outside in the park to go a walk or something so no contact with baby and less chance of illness spreading if that's what she is worried about? Or could someone have your kids for a bit while you go and support her? Could you offer any other support like dropping off

This!

Very hard but leave her to it. Then when she decides you are good enough to spend time with her, oh what a shame, you're busy. Have no time for girls like her. She has clearly spent far too much time 'reading'.

This. No worries, just don't expect me or my kid to fawn over yours.

I wasn't letting anybody around my newborn at that age either. He spent two weeks in neonatal on breathing machines and IV's and antibiotics after birth. He had major allergies and his immune system was non existent.

I know family were having a gossip about it behind our backs but I don't care. Newborns are fragile, September when children are back in school is when all of the illnesses seem to be rife.

Let babies system mature for a few weeks first. I don't think she is unreasonable to say she would prefer not to have baby around school age children who dont wash their hands reliably, cough and sneeze without covering faces, and are around other children with potential illnesses.

If she had the recommended vaccines during pregnancy and is breastfeeding she is being a bit over protective probably but I do understand it, I wouldn’t have wanted preschoolers slobbering all over my firstborn either to be honest.

If she has another child in three years time is she going to keep the older siblings away from the new baby?