DD getting into trouble for being late to lessons at college because she’s helping her brother

[WeirdVector]

DS and DD are 16 and in college. DS has ASD and started at college last year and DD started this year.

DS had a knee injury and last year was allowed to use the lift (anyone in the college is but people who can't use stairs are meant to get priority) but that area would get very busy and people would push etc and one occasion he got shoved and was hurt. I thought they'd have sorted it but they haven't

A few weeks ago he had surgery on the knee and is on crutches and is still in a lot of pain and is using the lift still, DD has been helping him get to lessons and has said she doesn’t feel comfortable with just leaving him when he’s waiting for the lift due to the pushing, DS is also meant to have priority due to not being able to use the stairs at all but he’s not the type of kid to say “excuse me, I can’t use the stairs i need to use the lift” to other 16/17 year olds who he doesn’t know, DD however is and would stand up for him

The surgery wasn’t straightforward and he is likely to need another surgery because they couldn’t fully straighten the knee so this is likely to be an ongoing thing

DD has been helping him but as a result has been late to lessons just by a few minutes but teachers are now getting annoyed with her and she said one of them was quite rude and said she did t care where she’d been and DD admitted she did talk back but she was helping her brother, not messing about or having a chat with her friends

DS doesn’t have a member of staff helping him get around and he doesn’t have an EHCP in general for his ASD

AIBU to think that this should be allowed? There’s no way he’d be able to make his own way around the college without any help

What an unsupportive college, they're teaching the pupils by implication that you shouldn't care about or help others! My DD (when about 15) helped a girl she didn't know to get to class on crutches, and missed a little of her lesson - the school reacted by sending me a letter saying how proud I should be of her for being so kind!

They need to step up and provide the support he needs, and provide a much better example for the young people in their care.

What would he do if his sister wasn't at the same college?
That's not to say your DD should get in trouble, more that it shouldn't be on her in the first place!
I have no experience of college other than attending myself a million years ago, so no actual advice, just wanted I think you are right to be unhappy about this and make it known (and I'm normally very much trying not to be "that parent"!)

Yes this! It is totally normal for schools to restrict lift access to staff, and students with passes.

Complaint to the Head of safeguarding. Students could get hurt.

in my daugther's school they would do a rota ie a classmate going to the same class would help the person with a broken limb etc or whatever.

Speak to the SENCO to get a better plan in place for DS. DD helping him is admirable but she's missing the start of her lessons, which means she could be missing valuable information and being late to lessons is disruptive for everyone else.

You are absolutely allowed to make an appointment to talk to tutors about this. Send an email to the principal and ask for help finding a solution. It’s likely that her tutors just don’t know it’s a real scenario, rather than an excuse.

Might you be able to teach him to speak up for himself?

It would bode well for him in life more generally also.

Becoming reliant on someone else speaking up for himself is a bad trap to fall into. You need to snap him out of it.

Speak to staff about priority passes for the lift. In my kids' school, there were kids with no disabilities using the accessible toilets, and they got staff to stop that happening.
Maybe the lift could have a key pass which is only given to those who need it.

A lot of people here don't seem to grasp how ASD can impact communication- I'm imagining just saying "speak up" to your son is not going to help!
The school need to sort this out, leaving early seems best and is a very common adjustment for autistic pupils. If your dd worries and wants to help you could also ask for her to be allowed out early to act as a buddy, but I'd be wary of creating a responsibility for her. My dd is younger and is now at the same school as my autistic son, and I hate the pressure she puts on herself to support him. She currently sits at lunch with him, it's lovely, and it's great when siblings are so kind, but they're kids and it isn't their job. It's ours as parents and the schools/colleges who need to implement reasonable adjustments and sensible safeguarding measures.

Can’t they just go earlier? If she’s late due to helping him, isn’t he also late?

This is not your daughter’ job, and whilst it’s nice the help family it is a dangerous lesson to teach young girls they should care for boys/men. Push the school to provide support for your son and let your daughter concentrate in her education.

If there is so much pushing next to the lifts that your DS at 16 got knocked over that does not sound safe and I would raise it with the college that they need to improve corridor behaviour.

I would also ask for students with injuries and disabilities to have a priority lift pass. Otherwise students with disabilities will be constantly late to class which is not fair.

This shouldn’t be your daughter’s responsibility. Yes it’s lovely that she is caring for her sibling, but she is a child herself and needs to prioritise her own education. It’s not just about being a bit late to class and teachers being annoyed - she is missing the start of the lesson often when vital information is given out, she will be starting every lesson behind and this will accumulate.

Why would he get pushed if he's waited for the rush to go?

Will the college give him a pass to leave lessons early,? My DD used to be able to leave 5 mins early for something similar.

You, DS and college need to come up with solutions. What if DD wasn't there?

Your DS needs a 'lift buddy'. Someone from his class to use the lift with him.

There's a crucial peices of information missing here:

• Which staff members have DS or you told about his injury and the difficulties he is having?
• What were their responses?

Obviously DS getting to class physically safely is a far higher priority than DD being on time for lessons. If DS or you if he can't, have made the college aware of his difficulties and the need for help moving safely, and they have failed to provide staff to escort him or provision for him to leave classes early to have more time to mobilise and get their before the rush, then DD is doing the school's job and you need to be telling the school that they need to make a plan to keep DS safe and comfortable at school and must not punish your daughter until they fulfil their legal obligation to keep your son safe.

If school don't really know about your son's difficulties, then you need to stop making your failure to act to support your child, your daughter's problem. You need to make sure that from TOMORROW, your DD no longer helps your DS in school. You need to go down the proper channels of requesting that suitable provision is put in place by the school, and get DS set up with everything he needs. If this means he needs to stay off tomorrow while you sort things so be it, but stop making your child do your job.

Have you told them any of this? Of jsut expected them to know and work it out?

I would think that you would have spoken to the school about this situation and explained that your daughter is helping your vulnerable son…

How would you know if a students got a disability (if you're another student)?

Well that's why I suggested issuing lift passes to students who need them, which could be worn on a lanyard.

The school I worked in last year had simply added a card reader outside the lift (it's the norm for entry doors, staff spaces, labs etc to require cards). No card. No lift. SENCO or reception issues cards when student produces evidence of injury or disability requiring the lift.

Can't they go in early so that your daughter doesn't have to be late to her class? Surely she can help her brother to class then and get him there safely without losing any learning time in her own lessons. It's lovely that she helps him but she's obviously getting to a point where she's missing out on her own learning and coming in late every session is now unfortunately disrupting the whole of her own class

Are you not worried about the messaging that your daughter has absorbed- that it is OK, noble even, for her to be late to make someone elses life easier, even it disrupts her life chances?

You need to follow proper channels if informal support isn't working and speak to the school.

You NEED to speak to the college. See if you can talk to your daughter's personal tutor to explain that she's caring for her brother. They should be understanding. You also need to make the learning support team aware that your son is having issues with the lift. There might be someone on the team who can support him at that time of day. No need to get mad at any one just yet as they may not realise the extent of what's been happening. They can't help or show understanding to your daughter if they don't fully know what's been happening. Hope you get the issue sorted x

Perhaps she could get him to his classroom a few minutes early.

Yes talk to the tutor or is there a student support facility there so that they can assist or liaise with tutors perhaps