DD getting into trouble for being late to lessons at college because she’s helping her brother

[WeirdVector]

DS and DD are 16 and in college. DS has ASD and started at college last year and DD started this year.

DS had a knee injury and last year was allowed to use the lift (anyone in the college is but people who can't use stairs are meant to get priority) but that area would get very busy and people would push etc and one occasion he got shoved and was hurt. I thought they'd have sorted it but they haven't

A few weeks ago he had surgery on the knee and is on crutches and is still in a lot of pain and is using the lift still, DD has been helping him get to lessons and has said she doesn’t feel comfortable with just leaving him when he’s waiting for the lift due to the pushing, DS is also meant to have priority due to not being able to use the stairs at all but he’s not the type of kid to say “excuse me, I can’t use the stairs i need to use the lift” to other 16/17 year olds who he doesn’t know, DD however is and would stand up for him

The surgery wasn’t straightforward and he is likely to need another surgery because they couldn’t fully straighten the knee so this is likely to be an ongoing thing

DD has been helping him but as a result has been late to lessons just by a few minutes but teachers are now getting annoyed with her and she said one of them was quite rude and said she did t care where she’d been and DD admitted she did talk back but she was helping her brother, not messing about or having a chat with her friends

DS doesn’t have a member of staff helping him get around and he doesn’t have an EHCP in general for his ASD

AIBU to think that this should be allowed? There’s no way he’d be able to make his own way around the college without any help

I'm a teacher and I just can't imagine this!

I think this is the point where you need to advocate for your daughter such as your son. Have a meeting with the SENDCo and remind them of their responsibilities around reasonable adjistments.

There are other things it might be possible to consider such as your son being allowed to leave class 5 mins early to enable him to transition at quieter times when the lift is free. Your daughter could be allowed to leave earlier as his 'buddy'.

This is a really common strategy because the last 5 mins of any lesson are less important than the first.

To add, at secondary school, my daughter was the buddy for a girl who required similar. She left lessons 5 mins early to meet her buddy. Had absolutely no impact on my daughter's education. It was a strategy that the school organised and implemented.

This kind of thing annoys the hell out of me. The college knows there’s a problem but won’t do anything to fix it so takes it out on your DD instead.

Good for her for helping her brother.

Why doesn’t one of your DSs mates help him as they would be going to the same lessons anyway? It seems a lot of unnecessary drama

I’m disabled and taught from a wheelchair for many years.

lesson changeover times are like Piccadilly Circus. Your DS’s teachers need to let him leave early.

consider renting a wheelchair for him as crutches are a bastard to get around on and can easily be over looked whereas wheelchair less so.

agree you need to contact your college. Your dd shouldn’t need to do this.

I don’t think your DD is doing anything wrong here, but it would have made sense for you to raise this with the school first, surely? Making it an agreed arrangement (or forcing the school to put something else in place) would have avoided the trouble in the first place.

Has she got an agreement with the college that she can do this?

She can’t unilaterally decide the rules don’t apply to her because she has something else she perceives as more important to do. She needs to speak to the relevant leadership at the college and explain the situation. Either they will need to come up with a solution, or get them to agree she can be late for lessons without punishment.

That’s when he could get pushed and lose his balance and make the injury worse

You need to pushback hard to the college.

Use the word safeguarding. Your DS is at risk of a serious injury because of their policy.

No one can use the lift at either of my kids school's unless they have a pass.

Your DS needs to learn to speak up, but sounds like he could get it from you as you’re not speaking up either. The first time DD came home and said she got told off by a teacher for being late, I would have been contacting the school to explain what is happening, so at least they could tell her teachers why she’s late. They probably just think she’s being late for other reasons. You need to get more involved!!!!

Yes you need to stop leaving this as your daughter’s job and handle it the way you would handle it if your daughter was at a different school and your son had to fend for himself. Who would you contact in that case? How would you get him sorted and safe? Do that and take your DD out of the equation.

By insisting she prioritise getting to class her teachers are protecting her interests. This is really important for young carers like your daughter.

I think your son needs to be leaving his previous class 5 mins early to do the lifts before the rush. This is a completely standard adjustment that plenty of ASD students have and much less disruptive to the lesson than someone walking in 5 mins late. But the bigger point is this should not be your daughter's problem, and frankly it is your job to work out a different solution with college that does not put any demand at all on your daughter. Then you need to reassure her that his needs are being met and he does not need her.

I have one child with SEN and one without and I don't like them being in the same setting at all. But actively expecting her to care for him between lessons is next level. You need to put a stop to it and find a different way to make sure his needs are met.

At our school, anyone needing more time due to injuries have full permission to leave the existing lesson 5 mins early to get to the next one and avoid the jostling. This would enable your son to look after himself and your daughter would not be late?

Being late to every lesson will be disruptive to your DD, and she's also missing out on walking with and getting to know new classmates. It's not unreasonable that the college aren't okay with that.

However, the college do need to offer a suitable solution for DS, that doesn't involve DD: letting him out of class early, being accompanied by someone in the same class or a member of staff, or restricting lift access.

It is very nice of your DD but you shouldn't allow her to do this as it is making her late to her lessons and that is unfair. Can your DS leave his previous lesson/break a few minutes early in order to avoid the crush? That is the system most schools use if the child doesn't have a 1:1. Alternatively he can wait a few minutes until the crowds have calmed down. It will mean he might be a bit late for some of his lessons but he won't get in trouble for it if he is on crutches.

Put it back on the school. She is doing their job of keeping him safe and in lessons. Outline the situation to the SENCO/head teacher/pastoral lead etc - they might not know what’s going on if most teachers aren’t saying anything.

I think the school need to make a better plan for your DS

I know it is kind of your dd to help him but she shouldn’t be making herself late to do so, that’s just putting her own education as secondary to his wellbeing, and not a good precedent to set.

Sadly this cannot go on. When DS is a man out in the big wide world he will have to advocate for himself without her there at his elbow. Time to practice now!

I agree with others, the school have to sort this out.

Your daughter being late for lessons isn't the answer. While this is kind of your daughter, he can't go through life expecting her to yell at people to get out of the way. If he can't then he needs to have a plan. If he can't speak up then tell the school he will go to lessons after the halls are clear.

My son had an injury that put him in a boot and on crutches for weeks. They created a plan for him, his friends helped him and he was given allowances (if the distances between lessons were separate end of the school).

This is a lot of drama about something very fixable.

Its always the women expected to put their ambitions on hold to pander to the men. Your daughter is at college to learn, not push her brother around.

I think now is time for a polite but strongly worded email to the headteacher, cc ing governors etc and any pastoral head, saying that due to the woefully poor action taken for a student who needs the lift (how could anyone imagine a notice would have any impact in such an environment?), your daughter is having to help her brother to lessons. However, by her doing their job (and yes it is - if they can’t control other students’ selfishness, then a designated TA is needed) she is in trouble for being late.
Ask them to supply you with their plan of action so your daughter’s education is no longer compromised.

They also told ds to speak up but he won’t

That's up to him, though. It's not for your daughter to fix and it's not a reason for her to be late for lessons. The college have given your son options, and he's opted not to take them, so of course they're not going to accommodate your daughter being constantly late to help him. He needs to help himself.

You need to be dealing with this directly with the college … it’s not your DDs responsibility!! What would happen if she didn’t attend the college?!?

Two separate issues here.

Your son isn't getting the support he needs from the college. Chase this up.

You daughter can not constantly be late. It's disruptive to everyone else.

Sort the first to solve the second.

Polite notices at lifts quote frankly is a cop-out by the college. They need to be taking responsibility and ending what amounts to a form of discrimination.

He wouldn't be getting pushed if he's waiting for the area to be clear though?