AIBU to feel uneasy about expensive gifts from his ex via their child?

[HelloUpThere]

It was my partners birthday a couple of weeks ago and his ex wife bought him a gift from their child as she does for every occasion. The gifts she/their child got would have cost around £50-£60. His child is late primary school age. AIBU to be annoyed about this? I get that they will still buy each other stuff but I would have thought a token gift is more than enough. Like for my DS’s dad I will just get a box of chocolates or something small. They are genuinely nice gifts and things that he likes and would choose himself. I’m not sure if that’s why it annoys me so much because she clearly still knows him so well. It just feels a bit odd as I will give him gifts from our child and I will include my son in that. But then his DC gives their own separate presents after. I mean I guess that’s what they want to do so I suppose that’s the most important thing. But is that sort of money normal to spend? Father’s Day it was about the same amount and last Christmas it was a bit more. It just feels like I’m sitting there whilst he’s opening presents from another woman. Am I being totally unreasonable here? It’s making me curious to know how much he spends on her as well as tbh I don’t have a clue. But he spends less on me for Mother’s Day than when she spends on him. So I’ll be annoyed if he’s spending more. Is that unreasonable too? 😂
AIBU- yes totally normal to spend however much on ex when it’s ’from the kids’
AIBU - no that’s an inappropriate amount and I’m right to be a bit bothered by it

I think you’re being weird. She’s buying him a gift from their child, not from her. Of course she knows him well, they were together long enough to have a child together. If DH and I split up, I wouldn’t all of a sudden stop knowing him.

My mum always bought a nice gift for my father for myself and sister to give him, even though she despised him. Usually a jumper or shirt etc.. it was for our benefit not his, he was our dad afterall.

You’re just being the jealous step-mum, get a grip!

Just because you’re an ex doesn’t mean you’re not still friends, or that you don’t car me about each other. I wouldn’t be bettered if there was a gift from the kids and another gift from her. In fact, I think it shows healthy relationships to the kids.

Yabu if the child is late primary they will probably want to buy their dad more than a box of chocolates. The gift is from them and the mum is supporting that.

My son has a ds with a former partner. He always brings him to buy a present for his Mom, a decent present. This is purely to teach his ds to see his Mom deserves a nice present and out of respect not to give a crappy old box of chocolates. He has absolutely no interest romantically in his ds Mom and actually has a long term partner who actually comes up with suggestions for presents. It's all about the child and you should know that.

When encouraging a child to buy a gift for their parent, in my opinion you would give them a 'pocket money' gift, ie, something that the child would be able to purchase from their pocket money. Giving something at the sort of value that you're talking about, seems OTT to me, but everyone is different, so I guess in your situation I would be having a conversation about it with my partner, to find out what sort of money he is spending when buying a gift for his ex from his child. If he's spending the same sort of money, and you can't afford it, then I think that's another conversation, but if it's the sort of money that they used to spend when they were together, then I guess I would bite the bullet and accept it.

On the other hand, if you feel threatened by this, you need to talk to your partner and explain why you find it threatening, and maybe suggest that he tells his child that they shouldn't be spending such a lot of money on a gift for him, they should maybe only be buying something like a box of chocolates, or a pair of socks or something small like that.

As a matter of interest OP, how old is your step child who is giving these expensive gifts?

I let my DC chose gifts for their dad. Sometimes its a £5 mug and sweets, sometimes its something that costs more that they have asked to get him such as a specific piece of clothing or item for a hobby which could be closer to £30. The kids chose it and wrap it, I just pay for it. To be clear I want my DC to grow up to be good at chosing gifts and to put thought into what people want so I do this 100% for their benefit. They do the same for each other and they help with chosing presents for eg grandparents and cousins.

Get over yourself, its not about you.

I understand it’s about the child but clearly the child is not choosing the gifts that she is buying as it isn’t just a ‘crappy box of chocolates’. Which I think is a bit harsh as my DS is 7 and that is what he picked for Father’s Day. I don’t think I should have said to him that’s not nice enough! I absolutely don’t expect expensive gifts off my kids! So I’m not sure why we need to teach our kids that you have to spend a lot of money on your parents. Their DC is 8.

Ok, so maybe she just wants to buy something nice for the father of her child and co parent? Don’t let your insecurities get in the way of someone doing something nice for their child’s father.

It’s not that deep for kids, they don’t compare the price of gifts. If his DS buys him a gift then let your child give a separate gift, giving a joint gift doesn’t really make sense.
You can’t control the narrative here OP

That amount might not be a big issue for her as it is for you. She might feel that she feels sorry for her child not getting to grow up full time with his dad and let the child indulge his father a bit once a year in his birthday. You are projecting a lot on this woman and your stepson. My child is younger, has not been taught they need to ‘spend lots’, but it’s around the same value of gift they give to their father on their birthday (it obviously varies).

You sound bitter and a bit jealous. Let his son give him a gift, no matter the value. It’s his birthday/Christmas whatever - surely everyone who isn’t opening a gift sits and watches the person who is opening their gift. It sounds like you’re a bit envious that you don’t know your current husband as well as others do. Just let him have his presents from his son without making him feel guilty about it, he probably feels guilty enough he doesn’t see him all the time.

She’s just modeling what she feels is appropriate gift-giving behavior for her kid, ie she thinks a present of a certain value is appropriate to give to show appreciation to a parent, and she’s showing her kid the kind of presents his father would enjoy.

I personally don’t like my ex much but I make the effort to buy something nice for him from the kids. As they get older and I see that they “get it”, I will give them most of the money for gifts and they can add a contribution and choose themselves. Eventually they can contribute the whole cost.

If his new partner got narky about this, I’d tell her to stop interfering with my parenting.

What does he buy her from their child?

and what does he buy you from your child?

surely everyone who isn’t opening a gift sits and watches the person who is opening their gift

That bit stuck out for me too, the OP "feeling like" she's "sat there watching".

As you say, she probably is sat there watching, which would account for why she feels like she is.

Is he a good dad? Does he co parent well?

Ok fair enough, it’s just me then. I’ll take that on board and leave them to it. Not that I was going to do anything anyway. I don’t get involved in their parenting etc anyway. It probably is my insecurities as legally they’re still married. It was something I thought he would have sorted out by now but it always comes down to not being a priority money wise. And his ex won’t contribute to the divorce as she’ll say she hasn’t got the money. But to me that would be a priority over continuing to spend that amount for each celebration. But again I’m the only one bothered about them not getting divorced so it is a me thing. Although I guess that’s a separate issue and really my main issue so I think I just project and overthink everything.

i buy similar priced (or more expensive up to £120 at times). For me it is more the modelling aspect. It was what was done before hand we broke up, so from a kid perspective I don’t want them to see that has changed. It’s also the process up to it and talking to them about “what is he liking at the moment, what do you think he needs, what house thing does he like that has broke recently’. So teaching them to be thoughtful about gift giving. Now they’re older they come to me excited about ideas, plus I know they’re started to do that for me and even our partners. Regardless of breaking up with him, for the kids they are closest family member I can do that level of thinking with for them

I’ve got 3 kids with 2 Ex’s. I made sure they always had nice gifts to give their dad every birthday/Christmas/father day. And cards. Why should the DC feel like shit about giving crappy presents (or none at all) because the new partner doesn’t like it. It’s not about you!

And TBF I always get lush gifts from my youngest because of where his dad works he gets stuff in sales and staff discount so I always like to make sure he gets similar back.

You’re drip feeding about the divorce now. But anyway surely a good relationship (at least in front of the children) between ex partners is the idea situation post split?

"as legally they’re still married"

I'd feel more uneasy about this tbf @HelloUpThere

How long have you been together?

I think it’s lovely and I hope he does something equally thoughtful in return.

I also think it’s bizarre that they’re still married and you’re worried about a gift. I think you should worry about that really.

The fact that they’re still married is probably the root of your anxieties OP!

I think you need to massively get a grip. I buy my child’s father a football shirt for his team every single year because I know he likes it and would not buy it for himself. £50/60
is not a lot on a present and also why should his kid give him a poxy box of chocolates just to please you. You don’t get to decide what the other mother buys for him to show how grateful she is for him being a good dad and a present one obviously. I’d rock up with token gifts on a Father’s Day but Christmas and birthdays absolute not. Why can’t she know her ex still they shared a life and a child too.

It’s none of OPs business what he is spending his own earned money on if the bills are paid their shared child is looked after and everything inbetween and no it just doesn’t have to be a poxy £10 gift why should it when you can literally put actual proper brain power thought to it and buy something useable and abit more practical than the local shop tat. My children know what daddy likes and know what mummy likes so when we see daddy’s favourite things she knows he’d love it so why would I begrudge her same from him to me. I also get perfume from time to time and my little girl asks to wear it and where it came from so I say oh daddy bought it as a present from you and him can you remember on x day and she does. It teaches your children respect and love regardless of the actual circumstances. My children’s father has an elder son not a chance on earth id be asking for receipts and bank statements to prove what he’s spending on his eldest sons mother