AIBU to feel uneasy about expensive gifts from his ex via their child?

[HelloUpThere]

It was my partners birthday a couple of weeks ago and his ex wife bought him a gift from their child as she does for every occasion. The gifts she/their child got would have cost around £50-£60. His child is late primary school age. AIBU to be annoyed about this? I get that they will still buy each other stuff but I would have thought a token gift is more than enough. Like for my DS’s dad I will just get a box of chocolates or something small. They are genuinely nice gifts and things that he likes and would choose himself. I’m not sure if that’s why it annoys me so much because she clearly still knows him so well. It just feels a bit odd as I will give him gifts from our child and I will include my son in that. But then his DC gives their own separate presents after. I mean I guess that’s what they want to do so I suppose that’s the most important thing. But is that sort of money normal to spend? Father’s Day it was about the same amount and last Christmas it was a bit more. It just feels like I’m sitting there whilst he’s opening presents from another woman. Am I being totally unreasonable here? It’s making me curious to know how much he spends on her as well as tbh I don’t have a clue. But he spends less on me for Mother’s Day than when she spends on him. So I’ll be annoyed if he’s spending more. Is that unreasonable too? 😂
AIBU- yes totally normal to spend however much on ex when it’s ’from the kids’
AIBU - no that’s an inappropriate amount and I’m right to be a bit bothered by it

Get a grip.
Each to there own

Not a chance I’d be living with a bloke who isn’t starting the divorce process (maybe a bit different if it’s just taking ages).

The gift should be a non-issue. But it’s only a non -issue if You feel secure in the relationship and you clearly don’t. I wouldn’t either!

fwiw my parents are loooong divorced and my mum is still very kind to my dad, they aren’t big gift types, but my mum will still take my dad homemade cakes or something from her garden. Her partner will also help my dad out with various DIY things. I imagine to begin with they was for our sake, but now we are older it’s just because they are way past any kind of jealously and he’s someone/a friend she’s known for 40 years.

He doesn’t want to divorce her. It’s that’s simple. She maybe likes the fact he hasn’t filed as it shows he still wants that link to her.

She left him and he has a child with you but won’t divorce his wife. Watch his actions not his words. You’re renting when you could buy but he still won’t divorce her.

Why did she leave him?

To everyone else as it’s too late for op. Don’t get involved with a man who hasn’t already filed for divorce and do not have a baby with him till it’s finalised.

I definitely wouldn’t have a child with someone who was showing no interest in divorcing their wife!

So this thread is really about his non divorce. I think I need to have a final conversation with him as my pettiness isn’t going to stop as I’ve had everyone on here tell me I’m being ridiculous but I know at Christmas if he gets loads of presents again I’ll be fuming. Can’t help it! He even got a stocking last year. I’m sorry there’s nice and then there’s way OTT. I just don’t think there’s a need to buy so much off a child.
I can’t really comment on their marriage as I only know his side. He just said in the end there was a lot of arguments and she told him to leave. Apparently changed her mind later on but he didn’t go back. That made it a bit messy in the beginning but they get on well now. If they were divorced I genuinely don’t think I’d be bothered. But people are right, I am insecure. He will also say that to me. But actually if he wanted to make me a bit more reassured he could have at least started the divorce. You’re right, he just doesn’t want to.

OP you’re not crazy to be insecure! Don’t make him feel like you should be ‘cool’ or that asking him to divorce is ‘insecure’ or ‘jealous’ or ‘you don’t trust me’ etc.

It’s a bare minimum, in terms of relationship security, that your partner isn’t married to someone else.

It's nothing to do with you so why on earth is it any of your business?

You’ve entered into a relationship with a man who is still married and seemingly has no interest in getting divorced. As you rightly said, the gifts are a red herring- you’re mostly upset he won’t divorce her. If you’re unhappy about this enough, you’ll leave because you’re absolute correct in saying she’s his next of kin and would be able to claim half of your property if he died and you bought it together. Fuck that.

I voted YABU on your initial post, but am glad you’ve realised what your insecurities are really all about.
You say you ‘overthink’ things. I suspect in this relationship you have actually been underthinking. There’s a lot to sort out. I’d get started if I were you. The situation sounds very suspect and almost designed to keep you on edge.

The fact he calls you insecure yet still won’t divorce his ex is a huge red flag I think.

Happy to make you feel little and silly but won’t divorce his wife after all these years and a child.

Like a dog with two dicks enjoying the attention since the wife did ask him to come home and he said no. Then his got you in his house and her spoiling him with gifts more than you give.

cake eater.

Yet the op is desperate to be with him so neither person doesn't have the best judgement

It's none of your business! The present is from his child, the mum has paid, but the sentiment is from the child... To think of it any differently is weird!

Your insecurities are rational though. The way you feel makes sense given the entire picture of what is happening. There is no wonder you feel as you do.

A straight forward divorce would be around £600 - The problem here is that your DP isn't prioritising you or your feelings! I wouldn't be worried that his ex is buying £50 presents, I would be wondering why he still wants to be married to her!!

This is all about perception I suppose. When I read your title saying "Expensive gifts" I was thinking £500 + not a £50 bottle of aftershave.

I'd day £50 is a pretty standard gift price for Fathers days etc

One thing MN has taught me, is that posts like yours are often about something much deeper than the OP.

What does your partner say when you speak to him about how important it is to you, that he prioritises ending his marriage? Especially as he's started a new family with you.
Does he care at all, about the precarious situation you and your shared child are in?

Just to balance the divorce conversation.

I’ve been separated for nearly 3 years, but we still haven’t done the divorce. All financial stuff is done, and we’ve moved on in our lives (although no new - permanent- partners involved) but we just haven’t pressed the button. There are definitely no feelings still there. He is the father of my child, and he’s a friend, but we will never be a couple again.

It’s not always a red flag if the divorce isn’t signed.

@HelloUpThere
i have recently left my partner of 8 years and I felt I needed to comment here after reading your update. As this is so something he would have done. I remember 1 year I got nothing for Mother’s Day (from my kids which DP would have taken care them to get) as he doesn’t really like occasions. But he took his DC to buy something for their mum. I was gutted he felt it was ok to make that effort for her and not for me esp as he was already in the shop anyway!!

he also wasn’t divorced until around 9 months ago. I brought it up so many times. Not being able to name him as my next of kin, not being able to buy a house or make any future plans really because of this. He didn’t see it as important and also used the ‘too expensive’ card which it wasn’t as they had 0 assets. I divorced my ex after 1 year and we had much more complications.

he would also spend money on other things I didn’t see that should be a priority over divorce (gadgets, clothes etc).

in the end it just felt like I wasn’t important enough to him and it bred so much resentment I no longer cared if he bothered to divorce or not as I had already written off any future. It wasn’t easy to leave, I’m still finding it hard some days. But I was done being 2nd best.

This sounds very similar. He doesn’t really like occasions either. Christmas it’s about the kids. We’ll get each other one or two gifts. (Hence it seeming weird to me when he’s opening several from ‘his kids’.) We don’t get gifts from our child to each other for Christmas or birthday. They make a card and something make something crafty or bake etc. He does get me a token something for Mother’s Day like this year it was slippers and a box of chocolates. That’s why I’m wondering whether it’s the same when he’s buying his ex gifts. As it definitely isn’t the same from her side. I actually asked him last night and he said he gets her whatever their child wants to buy. So there’s nothing in it I know and yes that’s up to them and I should leave them to it. But when he won’t get divorced but he’s happy to spend however much on presents for his ex, and as you said things that shouldn’t really be a priority over a divorce (if he cared about getting one) that’s what bothers me. That’s what I need to face. He could easily save £100 a month and not go on that one night out for example. But he will say he still needs to have a life

His DS wants to buy him presents and his mother gives him the money and helps him choose, none of your business. You sound rather jealous of his former relationship, remember he is with you now. This isn't a big deal, don't make it one. And he probably does the same and facilitates his son buying his mother presents as he should.

So you actually are jealous and annoyed he won't divorce his wife, that makes more sense. Perhaps in their relationship presents were more of a thing.

Maybe if you had a baby by the still married man, it would be different?

I spend about £100 on my kids' dad's birthday / Christmas presents. He does similar for me. It's a nice thing to do. He's a good person.

He has an 8yr with still married wife

but separated 5yrs and with you for 4

why isn’t he divorced - yes it costs money (mine is on my credit card) or I would have never saved the money

if he dies she will get everything as married

and yes nice to do gifts - I buyex something from dd which she chooses

I wouldn’t be spending £60 on a gift for him though

I think you need to bring up with your DP how him being still married to someone else is making you feel and say that you need him to prioritise this. I know what you are saying about neither wants to pay and he won't because she won't but I don't think it's that uncommon a scenario.

I divorced my husband after 7 years of separation. I waited until my son was 18 so we didn't have to go through the financials with the court and explain about provisions for DS. I thought if pushed my ex would likely seek more from me than he ultimately would if I made it very straightforward (I had more assets in my name).

I wanted the divorce so I paid. That's just what it is. It was a relief though getting it done.

Your husband should want it for your peace of mind. If that is not a priority to him then I would be questioning his commitment. That said, I would have wanted this sorted before having a child with him.

On the subject of presents, we both spent £40-50 on gifts from our son for birthdays and Christmas and maybe a tenner on mothers/fathers day. Now DS is at uni he budgets for and buys his own gifts and we exchange wine or chocolates.

He is still with the OW. It's been 8 years now. I don't know if she knows or cares about our gift giving customs. We usually (although not always) exchange gifts here. My ex comes over on Christmas morning (yes still)!