AIBU to feel uneasy about expensive gifts from his ex via their child?

[HelloUpThere]

It was my partners birthday a couple of weeks ago and his ex wife bought him a gift from their child as she does for every occasion. The gifts she/their child got would have cost around £50-£60. His child is late primary school age. AIBU to be annoyed about this? I get that they will still buy each other stuff but I would have thought a token gift is more than enough. Like for my DS’s dad I will just get a box of chocolates or something small. They are genuinely nice gifts and things that he likes and would choose himself. I’m not sure if that’s why it annoys me so much because she clearly still knows him so well. It just feels a bit odd as I will give him gifts from our child and I will include my son in that. But then his DC gives their own separate presents after. I mean I guess that’s what they want to do so I suppose that’s the most important thing. But is that sort of money normal to spend? Father’s Day it was about the same amount and last Christmas it was a bit more. It just feels like I’m sitting there whilst he’s opening presents from another woman. Am I being totally unreasonable here? It’s making me curious to know how much he spends on her as well as tbh I don’t have a clue. But he spends less on me for Mother’s Day than when she spends on him. So I’ll be annoyed if he’s spending more. Is that unreasonable too? 😂
AIBU- yes totally normal to spend however much on ex when it’s ’from the kids’
AIBU - no that’s an inappropriate amount and I’m right to be a bit bothered by it

This is not about the gift at all deep down. This is actually about a man who does not want to divorce his legal wife but wants a bit on the side (you), effectively having his cake and eating it. If either of the people in the relationship wanted a divorce, they would have one. It's not actually expensive if both parties agree to divorce. The fact it seems to be "not a priority" for either of them means they don't actually want to get divorced. You are worrying about if he is effectively treating her "better" (in regards to gift giving) than you as you feel a bit shafted over and taken advantage of. I'm guessing you are asking about when they are going to divorce and wanting to move the relationship on and he is just "it's not a priority/ financially right time". My advice is to either insist on divorce and put a time limit on it and if not met, move on. Or just move on. I have a friend who has wasted a good 12 years waiting for her "DP" to divorce his actual wife. She left him last year, he is still married.

What presents are bought on behalf of children in a good co-parenting arrangement doesn't matter. It's done for the benefit of the child so the child has a gift to give their parent. Some co- parents choose to go down the token gift route (chocs/ wine/ flowers/ beer/ smellies), some who get on better (or have older dc who are more conscious of good gift giving) may buy something that the other parent likes of a higher value. That arrangement is between the co-parents.

This is it. I don’t think in general I’m a petty, insecure person. But maybe that’s who I’m becoming and it is due to him not getting a divorce. I wasn’t drip feeding to justify my thinking, just reflecting that is probably what the issue is. If they were divorced I don’t think I’d care one bit. But actually if he/she doesn’t have the money to divorce then I don’t think it is reasonable to keep spending in excess of £50 each time they want to buy something off their child. On Father’s Day their child told me that they’d asked their mum to get him a ring as she knows he likes jewellery. But there were around 8 other presents that she didn’t even know what they were until he was unwrapping them. That’s not taking the child to buy something for their father. Again maybe that wouldn’t bother me normally but when it’s coming from two people who don’t want to get a divorce, as I said I start to overthink it and it starts to feel a bit personal between the adults rather than doing something nice for the child.
People can tell me I’m wrong but I imagine they’re not in this position. And I’m sure I’m not the only one who would be bothered about their partner not getting a divorce. But the gift giving, ok I admit I am being stupid and need to stop turning that into something that it’s not

You’re right to be bothered about this. Very bothered. This is where you put your energy.

I used to buy gifts for DC to give their dad (they are older now) and I would buy things that I knew he would like and he would do the same for me. Once the DC were old enough to go to the shops themselves I'd give them some money and they'd crack on with it.

Is their divorce likely to be complicated?

When my exh and I split up, the kids were primary school age. We agreed an amount to spend on each other, it was £10 for each child. So all birthday, Christmas, Father’s Day etc it was one gift for £20 usually. It was fairly flexible, so it would sometimes be a bit more.
They are obviously comfortable with the amount spent. I don’t think you can ask them to spend less.

Yabu, £50-60 is not over the top expensive and I think it's perfectly reasonable for her to buy a gift for her child to give to their father, they have shared history so you need to accept that she know what he would like

The gift giving is a red herring. I used to take DSC to buy a birthday/Christmas present for their mum (who was, is and always has been, vile to me. And no, I wasn’t OW, we met years after their divorce) and would spend around £100 many years ago. They wanted to do something nice for their mum and I supported that.
The issue is his lack of divorce and that’s what’s bothering you. It would bother me too. That is what you need to address.

I think I would feel the same @HelloUpThere
So you have a child together and a child each from a previous relationship and he is still married to her? I would feel quite uneasy about their relationship in these circumstances and probably the reason for your general unease.
As previous posters have said, it’s relatively easy to get divorced if you agree the finances etc before seeing a solicitor.
What would happen if his finances significantly improve while they are still married?

No I think this is weird - one gift or a couple at most absolutely fine but if he's opening loads of presents that's just odd.

That's the kind of thought you give to a partner. I doubt most people would give this level of presents or expense for siblings / friends. With my DH, when my step daughter was younger they'd go to tesco or something to pick out some gifts. My step daughter would be there to pick - there's no way she wouldn't know what her mum/dad was going to unwrap.

I'd find it galling- and very strange if my partner didn't find it OTT / embarrassing too.

Also re divorce - maybe no ill intention but if anything happened to your partner - what does that mean for you or your child? This could massively impact you. I'm not sure if you own/rent but what happens if the ex wife wants more re financial agreement etc. Is she next of kin/can she make decisions as his 'wife' if he was in intensive care etc. I know very doom.and gloom but it's putting you in a very vulnerable position.

My dsd “buys” me lovely gifts, i know it’s dh’s ex buying them, he gets less thoughtful presents like booze. It’s lovely of her to do it (adult with Sen)

I think if their family was used to spending 50 quid on birthday gifts then suddenly the child gives him a crappy box of choccies it would look quite pointed and like the ex was trying to insult him. She’s probably just putting her child first and wants to ensure that her child doesn’t feel left out or less important in any way.

I wouldn’t advise trying to get inbetween the father and his child. If you’re insecure then address that with him instead.

We spend quite a bit on birthdays/ christmas , so if me and dp separated, spending £50-60 'from the kids' would be a token gift. He is their dad after all.
Perhaps it's the same for them.

I think it’s all relative to what you’re used to. We’re not well off so to me that is a lot of money to spend on a parent from their underage child. I spend around that on my own parents but from my children I’d think it’s a bit OTT if they were giving me presents more than around £10 or so. when they’re adults and have their own money then yes, I suppose the general consensus is to spend quite a bit more than that.
Generally now they will make me something and they absolutely love doing that. I respect people are teaching their kids about giving nice gifts etc, but to me it’s not about the money spent. Here it is clear that his ex wife is going shopping and buying things she knows that he will like with actually not necessarily their child’s involvement in it. To me that defeats the purpose.
Yes lovely on one hand. But to me that’s strange and as someone said, that kind of thought you’d give to your partner, not an ex. But I guess we’re all different. And the majority think it’s the norm. And I’m not sitting there watching like a weirdo when he’s opening his presents by the way. But I stand by opening several gifts from an ‘8 year old’ is odd to me. I might open several gifts on my birthday but they’re not from my children. My partner yes.
At times her gifts have been around the same amount as what I’ve given myself. I personally think that’s unnecessary but each to their own then. I’ll stop thinking about it now. But the divorce will continue to weigh on my mind.
Thank you all for your input.

Kids usually just get a very cheap gift in primary, from their pocket money. Never known anyone expect an expensive Mum/Dad gift from a child, but maybe they're just richer than us. I often just made my mum something before I was old enough to have a job, and I'd never expect something that cost more than a fiver.

Thank you. I think most people commenting on here are just a lot richer than I am! I’m not saying that I’m not out of order for being bothered, just I think the context can change things sometimes.
And his ex is not rich. She works part time in an admin job. I’m sure she gets universal credit top ups but surely that doesn’t qualify as being rich. But maybe it does these days.

It does all come back to the divorce for me. She will still legally be his next of kin. We rent because I won’t buy whilst he’s still married! I don’t see why he doesn’t understand or maybe doesn’t care that it is stopping us moving forwards.
They don’t have any assets. They agree right now maintenance costs etc so in theory it should be a straight forward divorce.

God, the fact they’re not divorced and you have a child together is crazy. As you say, she’s his next of kin if anything goes wrong. She’s possibly even still the recipient of pensions or death in service benefits

My ex and I bought thoughtful girts from the children to each other until they were old enough to buy their own. Why are you jealous of an ex?

I think it’s lovely that they are able to do that for each other, as it is for the kids.

My sisters ex is absolutely awful to her (even though he is the one who cheated and left). They kids are older so can buy for her themselves, but if they had been younger, he wouldn’t have done it. It would be us (sisters or mum) that would have taken the kids shopping.

OP, you’re jealous of his ex and using the gift from his son to show this. Green is an ugly colour. Leave them be. It’s nice that his son gets to give his dad a lovely present - his mum is making this happen for him.

You're not unreasonable to feel insecure and unhappy about your situation. You're living with a man who is still married and who is not prepared to divorce his wife (she's not really an ex yet). The gift giving is just the thing that is triggering you at the moment. It's not really the issue.

She's not being unreasonable in either the gift giving (her money, her choice) or refusing to pay for the divorce. I'm guessing he left her (was that for you?) so why should she pay. And he doesn't seem in any hurry to get a divorce either. Maybe he is just keeping his options open.

This is what you should be worrying about and I would think that deep down it is what is bothering you. A man who doesn't want to divorce his wife but sets up a family with someone else is not someone to be trusted and I think you know this.

Yes it’s been established that IABU about the gifts. But it’s also been said the reasoning behind it. And I think other people would be unhappy about that and in my position possibly would feel differently then. Not everyone though I get that, but I think I am justified in being unhappy about him not divorcing. And the sad reality is this will probably keep happening unless that changes. Whether IABU or not, I can’t switch off my feelings around the divorce! And yes I guess it is manifesting in jealousy which I agree is ugly. And not what I want to be forever. As to me she’s not really an ex, I still view her as his wife. As marriage means more than a piece of paper to me.
And no he didn’t leave her for me. Don’t know why that’s been presumed. They’d been separated a year before we met. I probably shouldn’t have got involved as that’s not that long really. We’ve been together 4 years now. So 5 years and still not divorced, I think I need to accept it isn’t gonna happen. I can imagine a lot of women not being happy with that. I’ve just made it messy by adding a child to the situation.

But why is she not being unreasonable in not paying for at least some of the divorce? She ended the marriage. Based on that then, he is not being unreasonable either as why should it be up to the man to pay.
And then I guess it’s never going to happen as neither of them want to pay! So I definitely need to either accept that or leave.

Divorces don’t have to be expensive though. Since they are already living separately I’m guessing they’ve worked out money etc.

My sister got divorced recently, took about 1 year, cost £500. They’d been together a long time.

It is something I’d be bringing up again. Definitely more than the presents which is cause this. And reading your updates she definitely is going overboard.

If hes not divorced in 5 years, and he knows you wont progress whilst he is still married - thats telling you that you are not his priority. What you do with that information is up to you but this man doesnt see or prioritise you as "the one".