AIBU not inviting my prankster brother to protect my fiancée's wedding day

[OneSereneBiscuit]

I am marrying the love of my life "Amanda" in a few months . We have a beautiful two year old son and a great life together. unfortunately she suffers from an anxiety disorder. She does see a therapist, but it is still something she has to manage on a daily basis, and wedding planning has been very hard for her emotionally.
I have an older brother "Jason" who is pretty famous for playing pranks that most people would consider over the line. For a few examples...

• tying a friend up and giving him a horrible spray tan
• setting his best friend up on a fake date and smashing pie all over her face as she waited thinking she got stood up
• filling a kids pool up with ice water inside the house and rolling his wife off the couch while she was sleeping

I'm just giving some context that his pranks are always over the top and would be a dealbreaker for most people. However he only does them to people he likes. We aren't very close and he has hardly interacted with Amanda at all. I really don't think he would pull a prank at the wedding, but she told me it is something she is extremely anxious about. Here is the thing, she has to manage her anxiety every day of her life and I want her wedding day to be perfect and as stress free as I can make it, so I decided not to invite Jason. This has really upset my parents. I've never seen them so furious. They are calling me a bad son, bad brother, saying I'm not a man. They feel we are "tearing apart the family" As for Jason I don't know if he even cares. He hasn't said anything one way or the other, but apparently his wife was telling people I'm just jealous of his money and his looks and don't want to be "shown up" She then made a nasty comment about Amanda's looks which solidified for me I made the right decision

"Blimey"

I’ve had exactly this situation before. The family prankster never knew when to stop. So humiliating people then laughing at their embarrassment was a huge amount of fun to them.
They weren’t invited to a family wedding because of this. It was a lovely day without them.
You’re doing the right thing.
I wouldn’t bother trying to do as PP’s say and get him to promise to behave. He won’t be able to and the stress of it will affect your wife’s wedding day.

Just go and get married quietly, the two of you, no family, no stress. If you need witnesses, a couple of easy going friends.

Best thing you’ll ever do. No stress, no massive financial outlay (we got married in the US, no witnesses needed, $80 for the licence).

If you want to, then afterwards have a celebration party with family and friends.

I'm shocked no one has beat the shit out of Jason yet.

Those aren't pranks, dude. Your parents enabled his nastiness. Your family is fucked up.

Elope.

So many brides on MN this week who suffer from severe anxiety yet can’t wait to get married in front of a crowd.

But yeah, I agree with the Reddit comparison.

He never did anything like that growing up. Our parents were pretty strict. He was a quiet depressed kid

That’s not pranks! That is behavior that should have got him arrested!!

Wouldn’t want him at my wedding. Team wife!

He sounds like a knob

I would be uninviting Jason from my life, to be honest.

These aren't pranks, they're abuse.

If you do want him there, could someone be assigned to shadow him the whole day - maybe prank HIM by having a prearranged group suddenly handcuffing him to a friend of yours before the ceremony. Can't do much harm then.

I don't mean it really, as the main issue is your bride feeling so worried, I think you've done the right thing.

Those aren't pranks. They range from bullying to assault. He shouldn't be within 100 miles of anywhere civilised.

So what? He's doing it now. Hurting and humiliating people he's supposed to care about.

All I'm saying is they didn't enable him. They can't really stop a grown man from doing what he wants with consenting adults. They don't approve of it

The thing with abusive bullies - sorry, 'pranksters' - like this is that they know very well that nobody wants them to do what they do, but they find the humiliation funny, so they don't care and do it anyway.

If you ask/beg him to promise that he won't do any 'pranks', he will doubtless solemnly agree to this... but then he will go ahead and do it anyway, because the unexpectedness and broken promise makes it even 'funnier' in his eyes. Even if he didn't do anything, the knowledge and fear that he might has already spoiled your day for you both.

Much safer to just acknowledge that he is a nasty person who cannot be trusted not to do a nasty thing to spoil your big day, so he obviously doesn't get an invitation. The only justification as to why he should be invited - because he is your brother - does not apply, because he does not act like a normal loving brother would and should act.

Exactly what I thought

Your sister in law sounds like a prize c*!!....and your brother an idiot. Sorry OP.
YANBU.
I would try to have an honest conversation with your brother (he is family after all) to try to resolve this....I would also be seeking a huge apology from my CF and unreasonable sister in law.....but if don't get anywhere then absolutely go ahead without them and cut your losses
Have an amazing wedding day 💝

Since you don't think there's any chance Jason would do anything like this to you or Amanda, the real issue here is Amanda's anxiety. Jason may be behave with others in a way you find unacceptable, but if he isn't doing it with you that's neither here nor there. (I'm curious - Do the people Jason pranks ever fall out with him over it, or does he judge his "victims" well?)

If you don't really want Jason at your wedding (and you kind of sound as though you don't and his wife don't gel), this is a convenient excuse. But I think excluding a close family member is a pretty extreme thing to do if they haven't actually done anything bad to you. I can see why it might cause a lot of, valid, upset in your family. Eloping might be a better way to avoid your wife's anxiety hurting more people.

I’d say there’s about an 85% chance that this is made up.

Why not get him enrolled on a us or Australian reality show which coincides with the wedding where he can prank his heart out.

it is the only feasible answer I can think of. 🤓

So report it, them's the rules.

I may be getting this wrong, but from the examples you give, it sounds like Jason only "pranks" people who are close to him and these people remain close after the prank also. So one can only assume they enjoy it/find it funny. In which case, Jason really isn't doing anything wrong, unpleasant as the pranks might sound to many of us.

Therefore, I think it's very unkind of Amanda to wish to exclude her future brother-in-law from her wedding. I accept that she suffers with her mental health - many of us do - but this does not give carte blanche to behave in a way that disregards others' feelings. Even when it is your "special day". Could Amanda seek counselling for this specific issue? Perhaps talk to Jason herself about it? At least try to address it, rather than immediately leaping to banning him, given that her fears do not sound rational (it sounds like there is no reason to suspect he would "prank" clearly unwilling participants, like Amanda). Sometimes we have to face hard things, in order to avoid irreparable harm to others' relationships. You intend to help her, but I am not even certain you are doing Amanda herself any favours by making this "problem" magically go away - if she has irrational fears that make her treat other people hurtfully, perhaps she needs to confront and address those, for her own sake as well as others'?

I'm also intrigued about this supposed unkind comment about Amanda that Jason's wife made. Who told you this? Because whoever they are, they are an infantile stirrer, and they may be the one you want to exclude from the wedding, not Jason.....

Jason is an arsehole. How he got to be an arsehole is irrelevant. I wouldn't have him in my life, let alone at my wedding.

If Jason and his wife are so convinced he won't do anything to spoil your wedding day, they will have no problem signing a legally witnessed document saying that if he does pull any kind of stunt at all, he is legally obliged to reimburse you for the entire cost of the wedding.

That should keep him in check and show you are serious. And then your fiancee can rest easy knowing that she can rebook the wedding without him another time without it costing you a penny extra.

Given the pranks you described in the original post, you can't claim that his victims were "consenting". There's a moral compass missing in your family.