Colleagues aren't your friends..why do I never learn

[Pioneerofaerodynamics]

I worked at a company for 11 months, started on the same day as a woman and we were in a training group together.
Got on well and helped each other out, messaged often. After a few months I was moved onto team 1 and her onto team 2, she was unhappy in the team and struggled.

We were in the same office so sometimes met at lunch and spoke pretty much daily on teams. She felt like she was being bullied by her manager and I gave her advice and support, and helped her apply for other jobs.

I got another job as I was unhappy working there and left 6 weeks ago. I had to drop my equipment off on the very last day, i told her and we said we could meet up.
I said to her "I'll be there for 10". Waited 10-15 minutes but no sign of her, but we'd already said we could meet for a coffee in town so I knew I'd see her again.

Got a message at 10:50 saying she was there. I explained I'd had to leave once I'd dropped off my equipment as wasn't allowed to stay in the building and I hadn't heard anything so I was really sorry I couldn't say bye there, but that we'd see each other for a,coffee. I even gave the following weekend as my availability for example, she replied 'no problems'.

That was 6 weeks ago, haven't seen her or heard from her. I messaged 4 weeks ago to ask how her new team was. She said 'amazing' then replied, I replied back and never got a reply.

AFAIK nothing happened, I think it's just out of sight out of mind, did I do something wrong here? Maybe by considering her an actual friend?

Yes, but only once. Not regularly. And no one is saying it's nice behaviour for her to just stop responding to your messages, regardless of how many times you saw one another out of work.

My point is only that you didn't work together for very long, and given that you weren't on the same team, so your contact was limited to some breaks and lunches, and you only saw each other once outside of work, you simply weren't thoroughly integrated into one another's lives outside the workplace the way you would have been if you'd worked together for, say, eight years and had been on holiday together.

I think it's this which must be responsible for that Mn truism that friends = 'drama'. Which has never been the case in my experience, but I think the frequency it gets trotted out on here is down to the fact that many Mners struggle socially, are very inexperienced with friendships and then, as beginners, over-think and over-expect from situations like the school run and the workplace where they are thrust into regular contact with other people, and then either decide they're 'cliques' full of 'Queen Bees' and 'toxicity', or have totally unrealistic friendship expectations.

Colleagues absolutely can be friends, and some of my best friends are ex coworkers (obviously you do have to be careful while you're still working together not to have professional issues if you're closer to some people, especially if you're senior).
This woman just sounds inconsiderate, but don't let that make you think it was stupid to expect a friendship, just like some men/parents etc etc are entitled-don't think everyone's the same! There will be others in the future who will be different.

@LaterSunrise

I think it's this which must be responsible for that Mn truism that friends = 'drama'. Which has never been the case in my experience, but I think the frequency it gets trotted out on here is down to the fact that many Mners struggle socially, are very inexperienced with friendships and then, as beginners, over-think and over-expect from situations like the school run and the workplace where they are thrust into regular contact with other people, and then either decide they're 'cliques' full of 'Queen Bees' and 'toxicity', or have totally unrealistic friendship expectations.

Agree: this is so diametrically opposed to my experience. I have never experienced friendships as "drama", friendship has been a huge source of comfort, support and stimulation and it makes me wonder what people do with their friends which leads to them being experienced like this.

Also if friendship is "drama" how to people form bonds with romantic partners which are (usually) necessary to have children? I don't understand how friendship can be difficult if you have built a romantic partnership (which is far harder).

Utterly bizarre.

I find work people tend to fizzle out. Op people more flaky now too. I still see a work girl 20 yrs later so it can work out well! I think though if you suggest meeting and no reply I wouldnt chase her..

I met my best friend through work 42 years ago.
My three other closest friends started off as colleagues all in separate jobs, in one I was their manager. All 5 of us meet up several times a month for dog walks, nights out, trips, gigs, etc
Of course people you work with can become friends.
I see it happen all the time in my team. My manager and ex deputy became friends 20 years ago and both families are very close.
However some friendships dont last but thise that do need to have a common ground and interests.

I suppose as the OP never met friend more than once socially outside work

I haven't stayed in contact with work colleagues but I wouldn't lie about it or make plans and then not turn up. That's rude

If you never socialised outside work then that was your main point of reference and she has obviously moved on with new people there. YANBU to have hoped you could still meet up. I have maintained relationships with some ex-colleagues, others just fizzled out. She sounds like a fizzler but I wouldn't take it personally or think everyone would be like that. She sounds like she just wanted support at work and someone to whinge at.

Every job I’ve left I’ve had the same - saying we’ll meet up / messaging on socials but that’s it - really the only thing we have in common is the actual work place. Sometimes it makes me a bit sad

Sorry this has happened.
Sit tight and wait for a problem to develop for her - the phone will ring when she needs something.

she sounds a bit selfish and self-centred. Perhaps you're having a luck escape? You come across as helping and caring. I hope you'll find people who are similar and who appreciate your qualities. Sound like your ex-colleague may have been a bit of a bloodsucker?

I work with a lovely group of people, of all ages, and we get on really well. We socialise out of work occasionally. However, I doubt that our friendship will continue when I no longer work there, not with everyone, one or two at the most. I read on here that a 'workship' is different from a friendship, and maybe it's wise to remember that.

This is really hard sometimes. I was in a little group of 4 at my last job - we had a WhatsApp chat and we used to travel together to conferences a day early, go for a meal and such. 6 years working there, left a year ago, and I've met one of them 3 times for a coffee, not seen the other 2. The last time I met the coffee-friend we had gone October to July and it was me who suggested a meetup so I got in the car afterwards and thought it was probably our last. I really miss them!

OTOH my line manager from 2007-2014 has moved to London but we still meet up at Christmas. We used to go to gigs and go round each other's for a takeaway once a month though and she came to my wedding, so that really is a friendship.

Im terrible at maintaining friendships with ex colleagues. The thing is you usually bond over work, when that bond has gone, the friendship can awkward. Especially if you go to a competitor, you can't even spill the gossip anymore. It's not that deep I dont think, you were work friends but not outside friends.

My experience has been that work colleague friendships are hugely circumstantial. Basically you are kind of trauma bonded, while you have a shared experience /thing in common (the job/workplace) it can feel like you are quite close, but once you are no longer working together that thread that held you together can very quickly snap/fray.

There has to have been more in common than just the job, shared experiences outside work etc

I worked somewhere lovely for eight years in a great team. We would go out for each others birthdays, baby showers etc. The commute was too long and I’d had my second child. I had to leave but would occasionally email them to say hi. Their responses became dry and I could see that we weren’t really friends. They didn’t invite me to any more events. It was a bit upsetting to me as I’d had them at my wedding and special events! I think it’s more people see work as a separate thing to personal life and establish boundaries to separate the two. So if you leave work, then in their mind you’re gone from their social scene.

This is the weirdest approach to friendship ever. You only want to be friends with rule breakers? And then just those that don’t cover their tracks?!

(I suspect we’re just very different people who wouldn’t be friends but this concept has blown my mind a little bit!)

You do seem to have invested in it more than she did. That’s not a criticism, but she probably saw it as a work thing whereas you experienced it as more. Just different views, depending on how much you need friendships I guess and what you both got out of it.

People say there are friends for a season, friends for a reason, and friends for life.
Unfortunately it sounds like you were friends for a reason to this person - company at work and a sounding board for her unhappiness in her team

A colleague shared a lot with me over 15 years, and she said I gave her the courage to divorce her large absent overseas husband. For the last two years she joined my team, with the idea that she’d take over my role when I retired. That’s when I saw things change (maybe when she saw it’d require some toil) even though she behaved like I was her bestie, hugging me time and again as I left on my final day, saying she’d be in touch soon.
It was all performative. I’ve never heard from her.
I feel a little sad but decided years ago that I only want people that want me.

Some colleague friendships do last; others are contingent on the workplace - guess only time shows you which is which. I'd be disappointed by this too.

There’s levels to rule breaking. Most people break company policy in some way to some degree, because a lot of rules are arbitrary. No I don’t want to be friends with someone who breaks important policy (like safeguarding) but I also don’t want to be friends with someone who’s gonna rat on me for breaking one of the many arbitrary work rules that were in place at my old job.

I’ve seen it several times, someone thinks their co worker is their mate, the co worker seems them do something a bit naughty (or saying something a bit risky) but harmless and the next day they’re called in HR because of it.